So a good friend, a super important and special person to me is having a bitch of a time with Ana. She has a blog and i read it avidly just to keep a check on her and see how i can help. We live pretty far apart and texting doesnt always convey everything i want to tell her so when i read her latest post i thought i would dedicate this post to her. She needs to hear all i have to say, and i think it is a lesson that can help a lot of people. so hear it goes!
Darling, being responsible for yourself is the hardest thing ever! I truly dont think there is any way to completely be ok with being responsible for your own eating and actions and decisions about food. I think you grew up in Maudsley like me?? For so long there was absolutely no choice in what we ate. it was not even an option and therefore we didnt feel AS guilty because it wasnt OUR choice. I remember sitting in the windowless room in the hospital and listening to another girl who was farther along in her recovery than i was, talk about how she was so scared to go get her snack when her mom forgot. She would have totally eaten it if her mom got it, but because her mom forgot... she didnt HAVE to eat it and then the guilt creeps up. Its like if we can get Ana to blame somebody but us, it takes the burden off of us. The anger isnt towards us..its towards them! I never ever thought i would be able to remind my mom, i mean for God's sake, i was still hiding food in unmentionable places to get rid of crumbs of calories!! There was no effing was i was going to remind my mom i needed a snack!!! However, what i have seen is that the relying on people for a while is NOT A BAD THING. i did it for about the first three years of my in and out of treatment. My parents prepared the meals. decided what i ate. measured. weighed. and Ana wasnt mad at me so it was somewhat bearable. I dont know how it changes, its a subconcious process. the only thing i can explain it like is that the more you go through the motions of eating, the less weird it becomes. It doesnt matter that its for somebody else or because somebody else is making you, its like youre training yourself the whole time to do it on your own. it just happens. Its like one day your mom is waiting till 3:15 for you pm snack but at 3 you feel yourself hungry...its like youll realize that youre gona eat anyways, why not just get it on your own when you actually feel the need for it???!!! now i know dear, this sounds foreign but what i am trying to tell you is that you shouldnt feel guilty at all for relying on other people. HOWEVER, they MUST know that you are relying on them. You need to be very forward and say "mom dad, i am at a point where i will eat but i need you to remind me and tell me that i need to. explain the guilt piece to them. tell them that its ok if they tell you to eat but you just cant do it on your own...YET (key word=yet) I mean there is no shame in saying what you need, which is accountability. That was actually a skill at my last treatment center, not a weakness...a skill!!!! And i promise you, that the more you get into the habit of eating, slowly you will realize that if you dont make yourself do it...somebody will!!! your mom, dad, or a treatment center! through force or a tube!!! so im not saying you have to take responsiblity today, but take responsiblity and ask for their support and accountability. its what you need and shouldnt be ashamed. It shows how far you have come that you WANT them to tell you to eat!! and honestly...the rest will come my dear!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Help in an unexpected person.
Long time no post..i know i just have been really busy and not had a whole lot of insight as to what was going on with me. Well, i had a really good and eye opening night tonight. Ive been hanging out a lot with a girl ive been in treatment with since the beginning...like the very beginning. She is a bit younger than me, but we have gone through almost all of the same stuff and really get each other. I remember even when i first started and i wanted nothing more than to be thin and stay sick, i wanted Lola (we will call her) to get better. I wanted her to be back to her life and get out of her routine of her eating disorder. Today she is doing pretty well, but like me, Ana is still and may always be a part of her. We laugh to this day about how awful we were when we were younger...i told her she was the most difficult child i had ever seen..she laughs now! We didnt talk for a few years and i never really thought we would be this close..but we are. We have started doing fun activities together and its just really good to talk to her because since she has known me so long and gone through it all with me, she gets me. nothing i say surprises her...which is truly rare! haha
Well tonight i suggested we go out to eat, after our fun activity. Although we are really close, I still dont know how comfortable she is with eating. I mean i know she will do it, but i didnt know if this would be hard for her. I actually felt kind of guilty because i SOOOO didnt want to put her in a situation where she would feel uncomfortable or feel badly saying no and then it cause bad stuff to happen after or anything...i just really thought it would be fun to eat out together and talk but i was a little nervous. SKIPPING AHEAD it went really well. we had a lot of fun and she said it was really good that we did it together!
So heres where ill get to the interesting part, I realized how motivated i was at dinner not to worry about calories or anything and to be TOTALLLY NOT EATING DISORDERED. I guess i still feel like as much as i want to be sick, i so want her to be well. I think i feel like if im doing well, maybe being a little older she will follow in my footsteps. I want to be a role model for her. I want to set a good example. I guess its kind of a lot of pressure, but i really dont feel that way. I just feel like this is motivating me to do well myself. I've always wanted to work with eating disorders and be an advocate and although the advocacy thing is going well, i doubt ill be recovered enough to work with EDs. But i see this as an opportunity. An opportunity to change the course of Lola's life. Show her that if i can do it, maybe we can beat this together! She is so receptive to what i tell her and she knows so much about me that she knows i wouldnt bullshit her. Im going to tell her if it sucks and all but mostly i just want her to get better and to be honest, i think it wouldve helped if i had somebody to play the role im playing for her. Not that i dont have amazing role models, but somebody who still is going through it every day and knows exactly how much it sucks, who was older and maybe a bit wiser (ha maybe??) I think with all the older role models out there who are constantly dieting and bouncing between "anorexically thin" and "obese" (i say those with such sarcasm and disgust because of the way the media uses them), that having somebody real who is recovering from an eating disorder would have helped. But lets not fret over what cannot be changed..what i can do is be there for Lola. And i will be. She is helping me, as much as i am helping her.
Well tonight i suggested we go out to eat, after our fun activity. Although we are really close, I still dont know how comfortable she is with eating. I mean i know she will do it, but i didnt know if this would be hard for her. I actually felt kind of guilty because i SOOOO didnt want to put her in a situation where she would feel uncomfortable or feel badly saying no and then it cause bad stuff to happen after or anything...i just really thought it would be fun to eat out together and talk but i was a little nervous. SKIPPING AHEAD it went really well. we had a lot of fun and she said it was really good that we did it together!
So heres where ill get to the interesting part, I realized how motivated i was at dinner not to worry about calories or anything and to be TOTALLLY NOT EATING DISORDERED. I guess i still feel like as much as i want to be sick, i so want her to be well. I think i feel like if im doing well, maybe being a little older she will follow in my footsteps. I want to be a role model for her. I want to set a good example. I guess its kind of a lot of pressure, but i really dont feel that way. I just feel like this is motivating me to do well myself. I've always wanted to work with eating disorders and be an advocate and although the advocacy thing is going well, i doubt ill be recovered enough to work with EDs. But i see this as an opportunity. An opportunity to change the course of Lola's life. Show her that if i can do it, maybe we can beat this together! She is so receptive to what i tell her and she knows so much about me that she knows i wouldnt bullshit her. Im going to tell her if it sucks and all but mostly i just want her to get better and to be honest, i think it wouldve helped if i had somebody to play the role im playing for her. Not that i dont have amazing role models, but somebody who still is going through it every day and knows exactly how much it sucks, who was older and maybe a bit wiser (ha maybe??) I think with all the older role models out there who are constantly dieting and bouncing between "anorexically thin" and "obese" (i say those with such sarcasm and disgust because of the way the media uses them), that having somebody real who is recovering from an eating disorder would have helped. But lets not fret over what cannot be changed..what i can do is be there for Lola. And i will be. She is helping me, as much as i am helping her.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Linger-ers.
So a good friend of mine (you know who you are ;) ) gave me an idea to make a list of all the ways in which I am still actively using my eating disorder. They may seem insignificant, and thats what i even tell myself, however i do know that it is still fueling Ana. I usually will not post triggering things but i really want to be honest with myself and put it all out there. bc i think they say acceptance is the first step..here it goes.
* I have a number in my head, 1XX calories that is a number that i consider that max number of calories a food can have for it not to be "bad". I wont eat two "bad" foods in one meal. It doesnt prevent me from eating the food, but i usually will work around that "bad" food for the rest of the day with "good" foods.
*I will NOT eat oreo cakesters. there is a long story behind this but i think i would cry if i had to eat them.
*Every morning when i pour my cereal it HAS to be in the same blue bowl. i know exactly how much i need IN THAT BOWL. it avoids measuring. however, i am rarely satisfied with what i pour. I often end up putting some back, for fear of "overeating"
*I wont let myself have regular cheese more than once a day. I can have the light stuff, but the full fat stuff is limited to once a day
*The night before my weigh-in i am very semi-restrictive. I dont mean i am not eating, but i am very aware. Like tonight i went out to dinner and had a mushroom burger and fries...(normal) and we had frozen yogurt...i got the toppings i like, but the idea of eating the whole thing made me feel like a failure and sure way to be out of my weight range. i didnt finish it.
*I have to get weighed in the morning. BEcause i will not eat ANYTHING before i am weighed. Sometimes i am so weak from not eating that morning that i am dizzy but it seems ok to me because i am just trying to give an accurate weight.
*I get excited to get weighed because i know then if i succeeded at staying in my range this week or if i failed. OBVIOUSLY i hate failing, but the high of succeeding is so good.
*I still get a sort of high from pro-ana
*Today I looked in the mirror and while body-checking, thought if i were a model they would airbrush this...and this...and this..and o deff that...
ok so im falling asleep as im writing but i will continue tomorrow with these lingering Ana traits.
* I have a number in my head, 1XX calories that is a number that i consider that max number of calories a food can have for it not to be "bad". I wont eat two "bad" foods in one meal. It doesnt prevent me from eating the food, but i usually will work around that "bad" food for the rest of the day with "good" foods.
*I will NOT eat oreo cakesters. there is a long story behind this but i think i would cry if i had to eat them.
*Every morning when i pour my cereal it HAS to be in the same blue bowl. i know exactly how much i need IN THAT BOWL. it avoids measuring. however, i am rarely satisfied with what i pour. I often end up putting some back, for fear of "overeating"
*I wont let myself have regular cheese more than once a day. I can have the light stuff, but the full fat stuff is limited to once a day
*The night before my weigh-in i am very semi-restrictive. I dont mean i am not eating, but i am very aware. Like tonight i went out to dinner and had a mushroom burger and fries...(normal) and we had frozen yogurt...i got the toppings i like, but the idea of eating the whole thing made me feel like a failure and sure way to be out of my weight range. i didnt finish it.
*I have to get weighed in the morning. BEcause i will not eat ANYTHING before i am weighed. Sometimes i am so weak from not eating that morning that i am dizzy but it seems ok to me because i am just trying to give an accurate weight.
*I get excited to get weighed because i know then if i succeeded at staying in my range this week or if i failed. OBVIOUSLY i hate failing, but the high of succeeding is so good.
*I still get a sort of high from pro-ana
*Today I looked in the mirror and while body-checking, thought if i were a model they would airbrush this...and this...and this..and o deff that...
ok so im falling asleep as im writing but i will continue tomorrow with these lingering Ana traits.
Monday, August 1, 2011
I'm a sponge.
Maybe that isnt the right title but its kinda how i've been feeling lately. Emotion wise. Like whatever is going on around me is how i feel...internalizing is what they call it i think? well i mean i know its a typical characteristic of somebody with anorexia...that they tend to be overly sensitive to others feelings and to pick up on slight changes and to internalize it. and i just have to say that i really hate it. its like today i was babysitting and the families house basement flooded (bad storm) it wasnt my fault, it wasnt even like i was home alone with the kids so it was my responsibility, it wasnt my house, it had no impact on me. HOWEVER the mood in the house was tense, as you can imagine. Everyone was running around me doing their part and although i had no reason to feel anxious or in a bad mood, i did! its really frustrating. because when i start feeling that way i totally realize i have no reason to feel that emotion..but i cannot help it!
Then there's the "absorption" of eating disorder thoughts and feelings. Its like i can totally be having a fine day, but if i know my friend is struggling, i start to feel like i should be too. Now i know you may be thinking Well Gillian you are just triggered by their behaviour... But its not that at all. I dont even have to know what they are doing or any details, it can be the most general thing that they are having a rough day. I kind of chalk it up to being that if they are struggling then I have no reason to be doing well. Its like i should be feeling their agony with them.
But ultimately, the part that i am having the most difficulty with is the "absorption" of emotions from the people i care about most. I've done this for a while but i have really started noticing it. Like if my brother is snappy and in a bad mood, either i retreat and stop talking, or i do exactly the same thing. Im not even always aware of the fact that im doing it! il just notice, all of the sudden, that im being snappy whereas ten minutes ago i was in a totally fine mood! Or if my mom is in a bad mood, i cant distance myself from that and just give space, i tend to feel the same way and get moody as well.
Ok so i dont really know where i was going with the "absorption" idea, i think, as usual, i may have gotten off track, but let me get to the point that has been really eating at me. I seem to pick up on emotions and small emotional and social cues that are normally undetectable, and sometimes non-existent. Its like either i am totally overanalyzing something and creating a problem that isnt there, or there is a small problem (VERY small like somebody is feeling tired) and i tend to make it a big deal. Its really a problem when it comes to relationships of all kinds. Like in friendships, i remember when i was little, i used to always think my friends were mad at me. I dont really know if i had any concrete evidence that they were, but even if i did, i can guaruntee it wasnt of any substance. And if i am constantly asking somebody if they are mad at me...it tends to either annoy them or make them think i dont trust them. Which is weird to me. I dont know how me thinking that they are mad at me, means i dont trust them???!!! i think it more means, (which someone astutely pointed out to me) that i dont trust myself..i mean come on..that seems much more likely!!! :) hahaha i mean i think that is totally the problem. I know i dont trust myself. I dont trust that i am worthy of friendship or being loved. I dont trust that i am special enough for either of those. I mean this isnt going to be a pitty party. its not like im some sad puppy wandering around because i dont think i deserve to be loved...its more of something that perplexes me. I dont totally understand why my friends want to be friends with me or my boyfriend is with me. I mean yes i know i have some desireable qualities, but they dont amount to too much (according to me). AGAIN, i am not trying to say i dont have any self-esteem or anything, because i do have some and i know i am a good person and all, but its just something that perplexes me sometimes. And i truly think that the confusion, has to do with the insecurities i feel in all of my relationships. Its like i dont know why they WOULDN'T want to stop being friends with me. or why they WOULDN'T be annoyed with me. It truly isnt about me not trusting them, its that i dont trust myself. I think??? im really not sure. because i truly believe that i trust my friends and boyfriend, and i know very well that i dont trust myself...so this would make sense.
but despite the fact that it makes sense, its EXTREMELY frustrating. i feel like i need constant reassurance that people still want to be my friend or my boyfriend. i want to constantly ask..."do you stilll like me? love me? want to hang out with me?" but i am learning that that eventually pushes people away. I can understand its annoying. and i know im supposed to "ask for what i need" in relationships, but i dont think this is a healthy need. I think this is something that i need to overcome. I need to put more faith in myself. Give myself the chance to trust myself, even if it could end badly. I mean there is always the chance that if i dont ask, then they will just drop me as a friend....but i guess thats a risk, whereas if i keep checking in, its inevitable. its kind of a sucky position. i dont like either option...but il go with trust.
Then there's the "absorption" of eating disorder thoughts and feelings. Its like i can totally be having a fine day, but if i know my friend is struggling, i start to feel like i should be too. Now i know you may be thinking Well Gillian you are just triggered by their behaviour... But its not that at all. I dont even have to know what they are doing or any details, it can be the most general thing that they are having a rough day. I kind of chalk it up to being that if they are struggling then I have no reason to be doing well. Its like i should be feeling their agony with them.
But ultimately, the part that i am having the most difficulty with is the "absorption" of emotions from the people i care about most. I've done this for a while but i have really started noticing it. Like if my brother is snappy and in a bad mood, either i retreat and stop talking, or i do exactly the same thing. Im not even always aware of the fact that im doing it! il just notice, all of the sudden, that im being snappy whereas ten minutes ago i was in a totally fine mood! Or if my mom is in a bad mood, i cant distance myself from that and just give space, i tend to feel the same way and get moody as well.
Ok so i dont really know where i was going with the "absorption" idea, i think, as usual, i may have gotten off track, but let me get to the point that has been really eating at me. I seem to pick up on emotions and small emotional and social cues that are normally undetectable, and sometimes non-existent. Its like either i am totally overanalyzing something and creating a problem that isnt there, or there is a small problem (VERY small like somebody is feeling tired) and i tend to make it a big deal. Its really a problem when it comes to relationships of all kinds. Like in friendships, i remember when i was little, i used to always think my friends were mad at me. I dont really know if i had any concrete evidence that they were, but even if i did, i can guaruntee it wasnt of any substance. And if i am constantly asking somebody if they are mad at me...it tends to either annoy them or make them think i dont trust them. Which is weird to me. I dont know how me thinking that they are mad at me, means i dont trust them???!!! i think it more means, (which someone astutely pointed out to me) that i dont trust myself..i mean come on..that seems much more likely!!! :) hahaha i mean i think that is totally the problem. I know i dont trust myself. I dont trust that i am worthy of friendship or being loved. I dont trust that i am special enough for either of those. I mean this isnt going to be a pitty party. its not like im some sad puppy wandering around because i dont think i deserve to be loved...its more of something that perplexes me. I dont totally understand why my friends want to be friends with me or my boyfriend is with me. I mean yes i know i have some desireable qualities, but they dont amount to too much (according to me). AGAIN, i am not trying to say i dont have any self-esteem or anything, because i do have some and i know i am a good person and all, but its just something that perplexes me sometimes. And i truly think that the confusion, has to do with the insecurities i feel in all of my relationships. Its like i dont know why they WOULDN'T want to stop being friends with me. or why they WOULDN'T be annoyed with me. It truly isnt about me not trusting them, its that i dont trust myself. I think??? im really not sure. because i truly believe that i trust my friends and boyfriend, and i know very well that i dont trust myself...so this would make sense.
but despite the fact that it makes sense, its EXTREMELY frustrating. i feel like i need constant reassurance that people still want to be my friend or my boyfriend. i want to constantly ask..."do you stilll like me? love me? want to hang out with me?" but i am learning that that eventually pushes people away. I can understand its annoying. and i know im supposed to "ask for what i need" in relationships, but i dont think this is a healthy need. I think this is something that i need to overcome. I need to put more faith in myself. Give myself the chance to trust myself, even if it could end badly. I mean there is always the chance that if i dont ask, then they will just drop me as a friend....but i guess thats a risk, whereas if i keep checking in, its inevitable. its kind of a sucky position. i dont like either option...but il go with trust.
