Linger-ers.

So a good friend of mine (you know who you are ;) ) gave me an idea to make a list of all the ways in which I am still actively using my eating disorder. They may seem insignificant, and thats what i even tell myself, however i do know that it is still fueling Ana.  I usually will not post triggering things but i really want to be honest with myself and put it all out there. bc i think they say acceptance is the first step..here it goes.

* I have a number in my head, 1XX calories that is a number that i consider that max number of calories a food can have for it not to be "bad".  I wont eat two "bad" foods in one meal.  It doesnt prevent me from eating the food, but i usually will work around that "bad" food for the rest of the day with "good" foods.
*I will NOT eat oreo cakesters. there is a long story behind this but i think i would cry if i had to eat them.
*Every morning when i pour my cereal it HAS to be in the same blue bowl.  i know exactly how much i need IN THAT BOWL. it avoids measuring.  however, i am rarely satisfied with what i pour.  I often end up putting some back, for fear of "overeating"
*I wont let myself have regular cheese more than once a day.  I can have the light stuff, but the full fat stuff is limited to once a day
*The night before my weigh-in i am very semi-restrictive.  I dont mean i am not eating, but i am very aware. Like tonight i went out to dinner and had a mushroom burger and fries...(normal) and we had frozen yogurt...i got the toppings i like, but the idea of eating the whole thing made me feel like a failure and sure way to be out of my weight range. i didnt finish it.
*I have to get weighed in the morning.  BEcause i will not eat ANYTHING before i am weighed.  Sometimes i am so weak from not eating that morning that i am dizzy but it seems ok to me because i am just trying to give an accurate weight.
*I get excited to get weighed because i know then if i succeeded at staying in my range this week or if i failed.  OBVIOUSLY i hate failing, but the high of succeeding is so good.
*I still get a sort of high from pro-ana
*Today I looked in the mirror and while body-checking, thought if i were a model they would airbrush this...and this...and this..and o deff that...


ok so im falling asleep as im writing but i will continue tomorrow with these lingering Ana traits.