You know who you are ;)

So a good friend, a super important and special person to me is having a bitch of a time with Ana.  She has a blog and i read it avidly just to keep a check on her and see how i can help.  We live pretty far apart and texting doesnt always convey everything i want to tell her so when i read her latest post i thought i would dedicate this post to her.  She needs to hear all i have to say, and i think it is a lesson that can help a lot of people. so hear it goes!

Darling, being responsible for yourself is the hardest thing ever! I truly dont think there is any way to completely be ok with being responsible for your own eating and actions and decisions about food.   I think you grew up in Maudsley like me?? For so long there was absolutely no choice in what we ate. it was not even an option and therefore we didnt feel AS guilty because it wasnt OUR choice.  I remember sitting in the windowless room in the hospital and listening to another girl who was farther along in her recovery than i was, talk about how she was so scared to go get her snack when her mom forgot.  She would have totally eaten it if her mom got it, but because her mom forgot... she didnt HAVE to eat it and then the guilt creeps up. Its like if we can get Ana to blame somebody but us, it takes the burden off of us.  The anger isnt towards us..its towards them! I never ever thought i would be able to remind my mom, i mean for God's sake, i was still hiding food in unmentionable places to get rid of crumbs of calories!! There was no effing was i was going to remind my mom i needed a snack!!! However, what i have seen is that the relying on people for a while is NOT A BAD THING.  i did it for about the first three years of my in and out of treatment.  My parents prepared the meals. decided what i ate. measured. weighed. and Ana wasnt mad at me so it was somewhat bearable.  I dont know how it changes, its a subconcious process. the only thing i can explain it like is that the more you go through the motions of eating, the less weird it becomes.  It doesnt matter that its for somebody else or because somebody else is making you, its like youre training yourself the whole time to do it on your own.  it just happens.  Its like one day your mom is waiting till 3:15 for you pm snack but at 3 you feel yourself hungry...its like youll realize that youre gona eat anyways, why not just get it on your own when you actually feel the need for it???!!! now i know dear, this sounds foreign but what i am trying to tell you is that you shouldnt feel guilty at all for relying on other people.  HOWEVER, they MUST know that you are relying on them.  You need to be very forward and say "mom dad, i am at a point where i will eat but i need you to remind me and tell me that i need to.  explain the guilt piece to them. tell them that its ok if they tell you to eat but you just cant do it on your own...YET (key word=yet)  I mean there is no shame in saying what you need, which is accountability.  That was actually a skill at my last treatment center, not a weakness...a skill!!!! And i promise you, that the more you get into the habit of eating, slowly you will realize that if you dont make yourself do it...somebody will!!! your mom, dad, or a treatment center! through force or a tube!!! so im not saying you have to take responsiblity today, but take responsiblity and ask for their support and accountability.  its what you need and shouldnt be ashamed.  It shows how far you have come that you WANT them to tell you to eat!! and honestly...the rest will come my dear!