Help in an unexpected person.

Long time no post..i know i just have been really busy and not had a whole lot of insight as to what was going on with me.  Well, i had a really good and eye opening night tonight.  Ive been hanging out a lot with a girl ive been in treatment with since the beginning...like the very beginning. She is a bit younger than me, but we have gone through almost all of the same stuff and really get each other.  I remember even when i first started and i wanted nothing more than to be thin and stay sick, i wanted Lola (we will call her) to get better.  I wanted her to be back to her life and get out of her routine of her eating disorder.  Today she is doing pretty well, but like me, Ana is still and may always be a part of her.   We laugh to this day about how awful we were when we were younger...i told her she was the most difficult child i had ever seen..she laughs now! We didnt talk for a few years and i never really thought we would be this close..but we are.  We have started doing fun activities together and its just really good to talk to her because since she has known me so long and gone through it all with me, she gets me. nothing i say surprises her...which is truly rare! haha
 
Well tonight i suggested we go out to eat, after our fun activity.  Although we are really close, I still dont know how comfortable she is with eating.  I mean i know she will do it, but i didnt know if this would be hard for her.  I actually felt kind of guilty because i SOOOO didnt want to put her in a situation where she would feel uncomfortable or feel badly saying no and then it cause bad stuff to happen after or anything...i just really thought it would be fun to eat out together and talk but i was a little nervous.  SKIPPING AHEAD it went really well. we had a lot of fun and she said it was really good that we did it together!

So heres where ill get to the interesting part, I realized how motivated i was at dinner not to worry about calories or anything and to be TOTALLLY NOT EATING DISORDERED.  I guess i still feel like as much as i want to be sick, i so want her to be well.  I think i feel like if im doing well, maybe being a little older she will follow in my footsteps.  I want to be a role model for her.  I want to set a good example.  I guess its kind of a lot of pressure, but i really dont feel that way.  I just feel like this is motivating me to do well myself.  I've always wanted to work with eating disorders and be an advocate and although the advocacy thing is going well, i doubt ill be recovered enough to work with EDs.  But i see this as an opportunity.  An opportunity to change the course of Lola's life.  Show her that if i can do it, maybe we can beat this together! She is so receptive to what i tell her and she knows so much about me that she knows i wouldnt bullshit her.  Im going to tell her if it sucks and all but mostly i just want her to get better and to be honest, i think it wouldve helped if i had somebody to play the role im playing for her.  Not that i dont have amazing role models, but somebody who still is going through it every day and knows exactly how much it sucks, who was older and maybe a bit wiser (ha maybe??) I think with all the older role models out there who are constantly dieting and bouncing between "anorexically thin" and "obese" (i say those with such sarcasm and disgust because of the way the media uses them), that having somebody real who is recovering from an eating disorder would have helped.  But lets not fret over what cannot be changed..what i can do is be there for Lola.  And i will be.  She is helping me, as much as i am helping her.