I'm a sponge.

Maybe that isnt the right title but its kinda how i've been feeling lately. Emotion wise.  Like whatever is going on around me is how i feel...internalizing is what they call it i think? well i mean i know its a typical characteristic of somebody with anorexia...that they tend to be overly sensitive to others feelings and to pick up on slight changes and to internalize it. and i just have to say that i really hate it.  its like today i was babysitting and the families house basement flooded (bad storm) it wasnt my fault, it wasnt even like i was home alone with the kids so it was my responsibility, it wasnt my house, it had no impact on me. HOWEVER the mood in the house was tense, as you can imagine. Everyone was running around me doing their part and although i had no reason to feel anxious or in a bad mood, i did! its really frustrating. because when i start feeling that way i totally realize i have no reason to feel that emotion..but i cannot help it!

Then there's the "absorption" of eating disorder thoughts and feelings.  Its like i can totally be having a fine day, but if i know my friend is struggling, i start to feel like i should be too.  Now i know you may be thinking Well Gillian you are just triggered by their behaviour... But its not that at all.  I dont even have to know what they are doing or any details, it can be the most general thing that they are having a rough day.  I kind of chalk it up to being that if they are struggling then I have no reason to be doing well.  Its like i should be feeling their agony with them.

But ultimately, the part that i am having the most difficulty with is the "absorption" of emotions from the people i care about most.  I've done this for a while but i have really started noticing it.  Like if my brother is snappy and in a bad mood, either i retreat and stop talking, or i do exactly the same thing. Im not even always aware of the fact that im doing it! il just notice, all of the sudden, that im being snappy whereas ten minutes ago i was in a totally fine mood! Or if my mom is in a bad mood, i cant distance myself from that and just give space, i tend to feel the same way and get moody as well.

Ok so i dont really know where i was going with the "absorption" idea, i think, as usual, i may have gotten off track, but let me get to the point that has been really eating at me.  I seem to pick up on emotions and small emotional and social cues that are normally undetectable, and sometimes non-existent.  Its like either i am totally overanalyzing something and creating a problem that isnt there, or there is a small problem (VERY small like somebody is feeling tired) and i tend to make it a big deal.  Its really a problem when it comes to relationships of all kinds.  Like in friendships, i remember when i was little, i used to always think my friends were mad at me.  I dont really know if i had any concrete evidence that they were, but even if i did, i can guaruntee it wasnt of any substance.  And if i am constantly asking somebody if they are mad at me...it tends to either annoy them or make them think i dont trust them. Which is weird to me.  I dont know how me thinking that they are mad at me, means i dont trust them???!!! i think it more means, (which someone astutely pointed out to me) that i dont trust myself..i mean come on..that seems much more likely!!! :) hahaha i mean i think that is totally the problem.  I know i dont trust myself.  I dont trust that i am worthy of friendship or being loved. I dont trust that i am special enough for either of those.  I mean this isnt going to be a pitty party. its not like im some sad puppy wandering around because i dont think i deserve to be loved...its more of something that perplexes me.  I dont totally understand why my friends want to be friends with me or my boyfriend is with me.  I mean yes i know i have some desireable qualities, but they dont amount to too much (according to me).  AGAIN, i am not trying to say i dont have any self-esteem or anything, because i do have some and i know i am a good person and all, but its just something that perplexes me sometimes.  And i truly think that the confusion, has to do with the insecurities i feel in all of my relationships.  Its like i dont know why they WOULDN'T want to stop being friends with me. or why they WOULDN'T be annoyed with me. It truly isnt about me not trusting them, its that i dont trust myself.  I think??? im really not sure. because i truly believe that i trust my friends and boyfriend, and i know very well that i dont trust myself...so this would make sense.

but despite the fact that it makes sense, its EXTREMELY frustrating.  i feel like i need constant reassurance that people still want to be my friend or my boyfriend. i want to constantly ask..."do you stilll like me? love me? want to hang out with me?" but i am learning that that eventually pushes people away.  I can understand its annoying. and i know im supposed to "ask for what i need" in relationships, but i dont think this is a healthy need. I think this is something that i need to overcome.  I need to put more faith in myself.  Give myself the chance to trust myself, even if it could end badly. I mean there is always the chance that if i dont ask, then they will just drop me as a friend....but i guess thats a risk, whereas if i keep checking in, its inevitable. its kind of a sucky position. i dont like either option...but il go with trust.