identity

You know the feeling of wanting to be the best? Well the answer for me was to be the best at Ana. I would be the thinnest. the sickest. the most anorexically motivated. the one that always fought for Ana. And never let anything blindside me from the goal of being the best anorexic.

I remember when somebody, dont remember if it was a treatment provider or my mom, asked why i didnt focus that drive into recovery? I could be the best at recovery.  For some reason that never worked for me.  I really cant pinpoint why not, i mean in theory its a good idea. but its like i wanted to be the best at something that not everybody could do.  I didnt think everybody had the amount of will-power that i did to be thin.  to me recovery was the easy way out. the way that anybody with less will-power than me could do, so why would i want to succeed at that?

It may sound crazy but it still all makes sense to me.  I totally feel the same way, thought i havent let my actions reflect it.  I am going through the motions of a great recovery, but i really dont know what or who i would be without my eating disorder.  Like when i meet somebody for the first time, i dont outright say "i struggle with anorexia." but i kinda feel like for them to know and get me, they will eventually need to know that. I guess it could be considered skillful, and i really doubt its gona ever change, but i am noticing that it allows Ana to still hold on to me.  It allows me to keep that as my identity.  Its like I cant just say "Hi im Gillian" because otherwise there is nothing special about me to remember. It may sound sad that thats what i consider special, but it is.  It sets me apart from a lot of people.  It allows me to be good at something, losing weight and not eating, that not everybody is.  It allows me to distinguish myself from the so called normal population, and put me in the smaller (no pun intended) population of anorexics.  i guess i see that as a more prestigious spot because not everybody can be there.

But since my actions cannot really mimic my feelings about anorexia anymore, ive noticed myself trying to build an identity.  Most of you prob think thats great! an identity outside of Ana!! WHAT COULD BE BETTER??!! Well the thought is good, but im noticing all to many similarities between this "forming identity" and my anorexic identity.  My new identity really has to do with being noticed for being stylish and classy and well dressed and fashionable and having good taste and having people be jealous of me for that instead of anorexia.  yes, im embarrassed as i write this because i really shouldnt want people to be jealous of me. but i guess thats the feeling i had in my ED, I wanted people to look at me and think, wow i wish i was as thin as her!! but people dont do that anymore, if they ever did.  So yea. i am seeing that both identities are based on an outward appearance.  I've noticed that both identities involve being noticed for something. being the best.  So like as im planning my room decorations for next year, i notice that i keep adding things. its like ill be totally happy with it today...but tomorrow i have something to make it even better!! it may sound like im just being a silly girl, but the similarity between this and my ED is interesting. its like with my weight it could ALWAYS be lower, and with my room it can ALWAYS be better.  idk its just interesting.

but i guess this identity is better than my Ana one.  I mean it costs more, which makes me mad. i keep thinking well being anorexic was free while im spending money to build this new identity... but i guess i just have to get over that. I mean ive tried other identities, ive tried involving in activities and that never worked. i couldnt find anything i was as passionate about. and i mean ive done the co-dependency thing with boyfriends. That did work...till that became extremely self-destructive too. I mean i still struggle with this one but the NEW identity of fashion and class is helping distract me from things. it may not be a fix all or the best or cheapest ha solution, but its getting me somewhere i think.. and anywhere is somewhere.