(written previously) Since i was forced into treatment, i’ve had a hard time coming to terms with a certain idea. I know that rationally and in wise mind it makes perfect sense, however i still dont feel it. believe it. That concept is that my friends and family (They) are fighting Ana, and NOT me. For so long i have associated myself with Ana, i visualize her as a stick figure, or my skeleton, inside me. I dont really know how They think that i can seperate from her. its like with every attempt at recovery she is slowly being pulled out. but so slowly. like silly putty. its like in the movies where somebody’s soul leaves their body, except its not peaceful like that.
With every therapy session and meal i eat its like she comes out a millimeter, or maybe less. But then, with calorie restriction, she crawls back in, and with every full meal restriction, its like she digs deeper into my skin. so the next time i decide to eat, it will be even harder to pull her out.
So if Ana is so embedded in me, how the heck do they expect me to think they are fighting just Ana, and not me? I really havent come to terms with this idea, as i said, but i have accepted a few things. I have accepted that They do not think They are fighting me. They have good intentions. Ana may be in me, a part of me, or just Me, but then They are trying to save me from myself.
So as much as i would like to say i have separated myself from Ana, I am telling you i havent. and if you are a loved one of an anorexic, if they cannot grasp this, please do not hold it against us. I hope we can grasp onto the fact that those that love us are trying to help, and although they may be totally going against what we want, wouldnt you do the same thing to save their lives? I would.
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