Seize the Moment.

What i’ve learned through my many relapses, is that getting past a relapse is not always a breakthrough moment.  Often, i have many of these.  I have a moment, where im like, “this is ridiculous, just eat.” The first ten times or so i usually dont listen to it. I think that that thought is the ridiculous one, not restriction.  But then, maybe the eleventh time or so, il actually do something. Maybe il get something to eat, or il tell my parents i havent been eating so that they will then help me.  The annoying part is that often after doing this, i dont feel better like many non-eating disorder ppl would think.  They think that if you fight ed, you will feel stronger.  NOT. typically i immediately feel guilty.  Im like what the heck was i thinking eating that, or asking for help.  Now im gona get fat.  

After this scenario playing out countless times in the past 5 years, ive kinda begun to lose hope in doing the right, or “healthy” thing. I think, well im gona feel bad after i eat it eventhough i know its the right thing, so whY?  BECAUSE you need to seize the moment.  Recovery isnt about a one stop decision to recover.  Its about constantly doing little things like eating something or asking for help.  You will most likely have to do this so many times you start to lose faith in the process. And it sucks.  Its so hard because im always like, If i could just pick ed or my life it would be so much easier.  But theres nothing easy about this.  Its hard.  And its painful.  But im learning that with every right choice, no matter how small it is, or how guilty you feel after, the next one, which may not be for a while, will be a teensy bit easier.  Each healthy decision is like a blow to ed, and yes he may  come back stronger because he’s pissed, but its still a blow. And eventually a blow is gona knock him down for good, or at least a while.  So take every opportunity you have to make a healthy decision.  It may be so small that you think its not worth it, or you may be afraid of the aftermath, but if for a second you are convinced, take that second and do it.  You will be thankful one day, when you no longer are controlled by ed.