Jaded Memories.

So I am actually out of town right now...i'm back in my hometown where my extended family still lives.  Its great to see my family because im super close with my grandparents..however these trips are always a little difficult.  See my family can be extremely triggering..without knowing it OF COURSE. I mean i know everybody's family is like that but honestly until you have met my grandparents...lets just say you may question if they have EDs.   (WHICH THEY DONT but its just difficult...they are stubborn and elder so ya)

Well before we actually met up with the fam we stopped at my grandma's house.  I love her house...see shes totally OCD like me and everything in her house is white and spotless and its just so crisp and clean hahaha weird but true. And see not to sound narcissistic but my brother and i are the center of her universe.  Soooo naturally her house is filled with pictures from birth to present. Its always fun to go and see baby pictures...but its not so fun when you've had an ED for most of your life and currently look very different than you did for most of your life.  So i mean i kind of expected it and my *wise mind* told me not to even look at the pics...see i knew i shouldnt..but there's something so addicting to me about pro-ana. Now please know this is NOT pro-ana but it was the same idea..they were pics of a sick looking person----ME.  I looked at a few and i mean one i was clearly sick in but it was the sick i knew i was..like i was aware of when i looked that way...or at least i am now. but then there was this one picture that kind of shocked me. I mean i know they say that you when you are in your ED you cannot correctly perceive your body or weight loss, but the thing is that i was sort of in recovery at the time this picture was taken. and i will not trigger anybody with details so all i will say is that i never realized i was that thin..even when i was sick..let alone in recovery.


And then of course as im marveling at how different i look my mom walked over. see my mom usually gets all of this and is honestly the most important and supportive person to me.  I WOULD BE NOWHERE WITHOUT HER. yet, in this moment i said like jokingly.."i look really *triggering word* in this picture and she just kind of laughed and pulled me away, giving me the look of ARE YOU SERIOUSLY STARTING THIS???!!! see i was seriously starting it, i wanted support and something more encouraging than her shrugging it off...however i did not let it ruin my day...i wasn't in the best mood the rest of the evening and until now i didnt know why...but i mean i guess in the whole scheme of things i could have reacted a whole lot worse...so yea

But the whole purpose of this was to point out to you..and myself that Ana or maybe in somebody elses case Mia, only lets us remember the parts of our disease that benefit her. Like I remember that I loved not eating, and that i felt in control, and that i felt the bliss of numbness, but i also remember not being skinny enough..EVER! yet im starting to see that Ana CONVENIENTLY forgot to remind me that i looked sick and had reached a bad point...something i really never accepted.  I mean im not saying i totally believe it from one picture or that i am ready to end my friendship with Ana, but im saying that this was definitely a strike against her tonight..and i think every strike counts!