Late.

So I am kinda having a weird night.  This isnt my usual *one subject* post, but more of a vent and so if you are not interested...totally take no offense ;)  So i had a good evening, baked cupcakes with my best friend but now i am home and all day my dog has been acting weird...now this may not make much sense to some people but my dog is like my child, i couldnt love him any more if i tried. I miss him when i am sitting next to him.  I talk about him constantly. He gets whatever he wants.  I cannot get enough of him.  But as great as i am saying he is, he does have a grouchy side.  So it isnt weird that he is snappy, but what is weird is since this morning his tail has been between his legs and he doesnt really wanna be touched...just lay close to somebody???!!!! This is so not like him. Usually he wants to be scratched all the time and his tail is always wagging!! So i know my mom said we would call the vet in the morning but i am laying here so worried.  See-i got my dog, named Ed, as a sort of reward.  It was the first time i got out of treatment, hahaha i know should've been the last but what can ya do?? I named him Ed...idk why exactly it just seemed right.  I fell in love with him right away, and he is my love.  I would take him everywhere with me if i could. I remember the first week we had him he was a really little puppy and i had him in a blanket and i carried him through Target. the lady was like....

"miss, we dont allow dogs, but he's so darn cute, if you keep him quiet i wont tell!!!!!"  hahahahahahha

I could just go on and on about him.  He is my world, and i just dont even want to think about what i would do if something was wrong or happened to him.  He's not so much a motivation....as a reminder of the work i do to fight my eating disorder. Like when i was at Remuda for four months i remember i missed him the most, because you can talk to your family...but not to your puppy!! 

And i know i really should just put it out of my mind because we will call the vet tomorrow but my OCD is not letting me.  I have tried to be super skillful and read and do my nails and yes i know its 1am but im not sleepy and i just am sitting here FREAKING.  I know if my mom was up she would talk sense into me...but i doubt she'd be thrilled if i woke her ha.  so im left to stew...and write to you :) And see, the even bigger problem is when i feel out of control...i always resort to my ED.  However, since it is not meal time i cannot gain control that way and my other ways of releasing anxiety are not much more "kind" to my body....i mean i totally do not want to go down that path again of behavior substitution and i know when i wake up in the morning (if i ever fall asleep!) im going to think i was crazy for even being tempted, but i am tempted.  I havent had these urges in so long and part of me just likes that i have urges, but i know that part isnt me...its Ana.  She wants to reel me back in anyway she can, and now that im writing this...i've come to the conclusion....I WILL NOT LET HER USE MY PRECIOUS PUPPY Ed TO PULL ME BACK!!!!! HE CANNOT BE TO BLAME FOR A RELAPSE ...ANYTHING BUT HIM. so i guess that settles what i sat down to write about....i know im worried but Ana is just grasping at straws here and using my puppy's odd and unsettling behaviour to throw me off course. well Ana, for once i figured it out before it was too late.

My heart- Ed