just a lot of stuff

Normally i name my posts before i write them..i usually have an idea of what i wana talk about...however not so much the case this time. I guess its been a few days and in those few days i didnt THINK a lot had happened but as im sitting down and trying to decide where to begin..ha maybe i was wrong OOPS ;)

Well im home now which idk how i feel about...kinda good. i guess i was really looking forward to the trip and it went really well just really quickly.  but i guess two potential topics come to mind..i guess il go with both and see where it takes me! ha

well the first topic is insecurity.  yea sure im insecure about my body. i hate this i hate that...blah blah its kind of white noise now. i guess it doesnt even seem worth me discussing because 1) it wont get me anywhere whether you hear it or not, and 2) it just makes me laugh to say it outloud because nobody really wants to hear it anymore. so i keep it to myself. i may not like it but thats not the insecurity im talking about.  this is the insecurity about my self worth and insecurity about why people want to be around me and care about me.  Like i feel the closest people to me are those that i have met in treatment, because they do want to talk about this stuff, they do understand why i feel this way and when i talk about EDs or nutrition or media pressure it actually interests them! But lately im not really surrounded by people from treatment. Im in touch with them, but im back in a life that doesnt totally revolve around EDs, however my mind is still there.  So i really dont know why somebody not as interested as me can want to be around me....SO WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS??? ha i tend to ramble and go on tangents but what i am really trying to get at is this...i always doubt the security of my relationships.  No matter what relationship i've been in if i am not getting constant reassurance from the other person that they are still interested in me or still want to be with or around me...i immediately start to doubt it. crazy? yea probably lol. But its true. And God bless my therapist who is my sounding board for this crazy paranoia, but its something i cant seem to shake.  And any of you who have been reading these blogs know that im blaming a lot on Ana, and i really dont know if i even believe what im about to say ha, but maybe, its true? il try you! maybe Ana doesnt want me to feel connected to people outside of treatment. She wants me to feel controlled and totally linked to that time and part of my life.  Because if not...i may begin to fathom the idea that i may not need her??? crazy? idk but its like if im doubting all of my other relationships and the only ones i can rely on are my treatment people and Ana...well that kinda keeps me under her wrath. So i mean idk if i even believe that...maybe if you wanna give feedback let me know lol but its just a thought...thinking outloud here!

Second topic (bored yet??? ha) well now that i think about it im kind of going off of my first topic but its a little different.  Along with not feeling secure....and because im not feeling secure i constantly plan. I plan my outfit for the next day because im afraid il wake up in the morning and have a meltdown.  I plan meals...well you can guess why ha...i plan my week/day. i plan my night. i plan my workout schedule. i plan presents months in advance. i really plan everything! literally il lay in bed thinking i have this and this and this to do..and i wont fall asleep till i figure out a schedule and have it in ink. again CRAZY ha but i cant help it.  I guess it gives me some sort of control in a world where i feel totally out of control.  Like dont get me wrong, being out of control allows me to feel less guilty for the things i do that Ana does not want me to do (ex. eating, walking not running, following an exercise regimine to the tee...) i mean the lack of control def lets me off the guilty hook with Ana, but that doesnt let me feel any less out of control.  Like idk i guess its like theres a sword at both ends. I feel like there are swords at a hundred ends. every way i turn there is a sword. and ya now i sound depressing but i guess i just feel trapped sometimes.  Like im doing the motions of recovery and i know that the goals i have for my life will NEVER be achieved if i do not succeed in recovery..however part of me doesnt even know if i think i can fully recover. like maybe its just not possible for me.  and they are forcing something that will never be. I am in no way giving up and i will go through these motions for a very lot longer before i throw in the towel but its just hard sometimes.  To see such little progress mentally.  I guess i wish i thought differently now. that Ana wasnt even a consideration. But she is. she always is.  however since my loved ones have pretty much banned her from my life, i am doing the best i can without having a choice.  I plan because it gives me control. and i am not in control of a whole lot right now.

PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT I AM SAYING THAT I NEED MORE CONTROL. I KNOW THIS IS WHATS BEST FOR ME AND I ACCEPT THAT. I AM MEARLY VENTING FRUSTRATION OVER A GOOD, BUT TIRING SITUATION. MY PARENTS ARE SAVING MY LIFE.