Guilt.

Today was a difficult day. just a lot of stress with a lot of family time. my brother who i love very much wasnt in a super duper mood and that kind of put a damper on my originally chipper mood.  I duno why i let other peoples emotions affect me so much, its kind of a problem, but i've been told that it is a typical trait of people with anorexia...we tend to internalize other people's emotions and problems...really sucks if you ask me! ha And as i've said before my grandparents are amazing and special people but the whole day with my grandmother is just enough to send anyone bonkers.  I mean i love her to death and this could sound harsh but she marvels at EVERYTHING! like the trees on the hill are "just magnificent" (they are standard trees) and her favorite tree, the weeping willow...well not like we have seen over a hundred of those, but dont bother trying to drive by one without getting a reaction haha

but that just sets the stage for how my day was going...just slightly annoyed.  ED thoughts werent too bad today, my mom actually told me something that i never thought about my body but always wanted. (i wont say specifics as to trigger anybody) but it made me feel good...idk if it made *me* feel good or *Ana* feel good....cant really separate the two yet.  But the moral is that it was stressful but manageable until we went shopping.  Now see i LOVE to shop.  clothes are my favorite but handbags and accessories and home decorations...pretty much anything i can make fun.  Well we went to Forever 21 which is a pretty cheap store and i found a few things...see my grandparents usually pay when i am with them however i figured it was a small price and i would just pay myself.  I liked everything a lot, but when i got to the cash register i immediately started second guessing myself.  Now this is NOTHING NEW. I do this all the time. As much as i love buying new things, spending money is super hard for me. I always feel so incredibly guilty after...sometimes to the point of being sick or just returning the items. Today i really tried to rationalize with myself...use some *wise mind*...yea it was way beyond skills ha...sadly. i felt so sick i couldnt eat dinner. (but i did eat it a little later, just got it to-go) I actually went back to the store to return it! only to find out that they only do store credit!!! you would think they might mention that...NOPE. well i mean i left the store that second time feeling mixed emotions.  I was pissed i couldnt return it. i felt stupid for not thinking it through before i bought it. but i also thought well this will give me a chance to enjoy the clothes without thinking i could just return them for money. i mean it was kind of like forcing me to sit with the anxiety of having spent the money...not fun... but supposedly a good lesson!

But i think feeling guilty is something that people with eating disorders really feel severely.  I think it starts out with feeling guilty for eating or consuming calories or something of the sort...then maybe not having the behaviour they usually have...then for challenging the eating disorder....the list goes on and on but i know throughout my ED i ALWAYS felt guilty for something. maybe it would be guilty that my parents didnt have a healthy daughter, or that i lied to them, or that i crossed my fingers when i swore to God, or when i made my ill  mom get out of bed because she caught me exercising...and again the list goes on.  But Ana is clever, and just because i may not feel the magnitude of the guilt from my eating disorder, though i think i may always have some guilt for not committing my life to Ana, she is grasping at straws.  Making me feel guilty about other things.  Spending money.  i feel like im letting people down when i spend money.  Like im being frivolous and it could be going to a better place and im not worthy of just buying what i want. (eventhough i earned the money) I mean Ana is making me feel guilty in other ways...maybe hoping i will revert back to my eating disorder to cope with that negative emotion. And you know what!????? SHE IS DAMN SMART. I can totally see this happening, but today i dodged her clever trap. I did eat dinner tho i would have loved to have skipped it. I reached out to my friends and family for support instead of dealing with the emotion on my own.  So as much as i may feel guilty for a lot and shopping especially....i must be aware that it really is Ana who is making me feel guilty...and she hasn't been honest with me yet..so why now??