Win-Win

 Things have been going well for me, and i spent the day with a girl i was in treatment with today.  Ive known her since the beginning and we talked about a lot and i’ve come to some good conclusions. For those of you not as immersed in the ED world as i am, Maudsley is a form of eating disorder treatment.  It is used mostly in treatment of kids or adolescents because total control of weight and food management is given to the parents.  I know lots of you reading may be thinking that SUCKS! and at first it totally does.  I mean i remember my first day when the food was given to me and i had no choice as to what it was….lets just say not fun.  But im not gona really talk about whether Maudsley is good or bad, because for me it was good but not everybody i know has had the same experience.  However, I have realized how little responsibility i hold in my recovery....this probably sounds LOADED with issues but it actually is a benefit ;)


See, when you start Maudsley at such a young age, (14) and have no option in food choice or whether or not to eat it, you become accustomed to blaming somebody else, in my case, my parents.  Now, please do not misunderstand, i am not saying i have any resentment for my parents...just keep reading and you will understand.  See, my eating disorder would be really SUPER mad at me if one day i decided to have a super big brownie ice cream sunday, HOWEVER, if my parents had insisted i had it, it was like my ED wasnt mad at me, he was mad at my parents.  This left me to feel less guilty.  At least at the end of the day I could say to myself, well, if i had any choice i wouldn't have done it, but it was for them, not for me. NOT MY CHOICE. 


And as the years have gone by, though i do not resent my parents in the least, in fact i adore them and am so blessed to have them, i have continued to let them take the blame for me recovering.  I keep telling myself the recovery is THEIR choice, not mine.  ED then isnt mad at me. Just them.  I tell myself i must eat because if not THEY will have me hospitalized and tubed. THEY would make my life a living hell.


Yea Yea i know its a load of bull crap and im just lying to myself, but it has gotten me through a lot.  Although therapists may say that i am failing to accept the responsibility of my recovery and health, i just cant do it yet.  and believe me, my parents are more than ready for that.  so its kind of a win-win situation, they get me in a "healthy" state of mind, and i dont feel QUITE  as guilty because, again, its not for me, its for THEM.