My first words.

(written in the past) I don’t really know where to start. To be honest, im kinda nervous to say the wrong thing. Thats probably the perfectionism that feels suffocating at the moment.  I probs wont even post this for a few days, i need to figure out if this is something im ready for. To speak out. To tell my full story. To not pick and chose who knows my secret.  Up until now, i tell those who need to know.  Its not that im ashamed of it at all, whether or not you believe me when i say that, but im worried of how me being honest is going to affect the people i care about.  I dont want to cause any trouble or unwanted attention for them….but again, one of my flaws, i would be caretaking and those people are probably stronger than im giving them credit for. 

So as im thinking about what to say next, i realized that im beating around the bush and not telling you what im about and what my secret is.  I have had Anorexia Nervosa for the past twelve to thirteen years.  I have lived with it since i was about 6 or 7 yrs old. The typical reaction i get is disbelief.  People dont usually realize that eating disorders can start that young.  In fact, mine may have started earlier, but thats about how far back i can remember soo…..i say thats when it began.  I was forced into treatment when i was 14, in February of my freshman year.  I say forced because for those of you who are not familiar with ED (eating disorder) treatment, if you are under the age of 18, you can be forced by your parents to go to treatment.  Today im still in therapy.  Ive been in every level of treatment-individual therapy,iop (intensive outpatient therapy), php (partial hospitalization program, residential and inpatient.  I still see a therapist once a week, and to be honest, i dont see that stopping anytime soon. 

I wanna be clear, this is NOT a PRO-ANA blog, i would characterize it as a pro-reality blog.  I wanna expose the truth about anorexia and eating disorders.  I wanna put a face to this disorder, and share the embarrassing and unbelievable things that people dont know about.  If i ever share that i had a negative behavior such as restricting or tell a story about hiding food, i am not sharing it to give any tips to anybody.  I am sharing this so maybe a loved one of somebody with these behaviors will read my blog and be more the wiser and save that persons life because of the information i am sharing. Lets be honest, there is a very fine line between being informative and enabling, but i’ll do my best to stay on informative, but im only human. so please only read if you are in a healthy and safe place.

See, my passion is speaking the truth and loudly about eds.  I think the biggest reason that people develop disorders is because people dont know the early signs and dont know how to stop it before it becomes deadly.  I know my stuff. I have lived this life for all too long and everything i will say and tell you is from personal experience.  every ed is different, and of course this is only based on my experience, but you can be sure im gona tell you the truth about where i am in recovery, and what ive been through, because i dont think that putting a “positive spin” on things will help anybody. the truth is hard and sometimes painful.  But not as hard and painful as anorexia.