alone.

This really isnt as depressing as it sounds. I mean i am feeling sort of alone, but like im not sad about it because I think it may be a figure of imagination.. (is that the right term?) So they say people with eating disorders, or at least anorexia are hypersensitive to others emotions.  Like you may be feeling totally fine but just tired, but i would tend to assume that its personal. you must be mad at me. you must be annoyed with me. I must have done something. or if i didnt, then at least, the VERY least you are upset about something that you dont want to talk about.  So like i have been told about this characteristic of anorexics in therapy, and been told i possess this.  Yet i mean its like fighting an oger to go against my instincts. my instincts are the oger. to go against my instincts is so hard. its like all the information im getting from the other person  is telling me that they are upset or mad or annoyed and they just dont want me to know.  And i can kinda tell when im doing this. but like its like my wise mind is telling me all the signs are there that this person is mad at you, wants you to go away, is annoyed with you, so i should just leave them alone.  I feel like the person reading this is prob getting really confused, sorry, i am just not so clear on it all myself so its hard to talk about.  I guess to sum up the idea: I tend to read into people's affect. If it is minutely not cheerful i assume they are mad or upset or annoyed or something negative.  I read into their emotions too deeply.
   And like so this tends to drive people away, but how do i know when i am totally overreacting? or just merely reacting to an obvious affect? i really dont know. i mean i can ask them i know. but how the heck am i supposed know if they are telling me the truth? like if i were mad and annoyed idk if i would be honest? ughhhh i just feel so confused.  And the problem is that when i feel like somebody is annoyed or mad at me i tend just back off. give them the cold shoulder..give them space. i guess its just i dont want to be where i am not wanted..ya know? but it sucks. because sometimes these are my closest friends i do this with and il end up losing them over soemthing that i am being stupid about.

All or Nothing

So for a while I thought all or nothing thinking could only apply to food, exercising, and weight.  I mean i understood and could recognize all of those.  But lately I recognized it in a diff part of my life, and its truly really problematic. It's been creating problems for a while but i never really realized what the issue was.  So I mean i've always been the girl who is either in a serious relationship, or none at all.  I really dont have many guy friends, and those that are friends, really quickly end up being my boyfriend or i dont talk to them anymore.  as you're reading this you probably are thinking how could you not realize that this is totally all or nothing...but i've been this way for so long that i really never thought of it as a problem.  Like i never saw the point in having guy friends. Like idk, i guess that i figured if i like them as a friend, they wouldn't be a bad boyfriend.  Not only does this keep me from making guy friends, but it also tends to get me into serious relationships that would've been better as just friendships, but I didnt really make the distinction.  I see friendship with guys as the grey area that im not really comfortable with.  And then, the part that is even more problematic, is the idea that I can't just "talk" to a guy, or like take things slow.  If i like somebody, i am very quick to jump into a serious commitment.  I dont like the area, the grey area where there is no official title.  Like it leaves for room for ambiguity...and i feel like if there is no actual commitment, then im bound to get hurt.  I mean i keep telling myself that i wont jump in too quickly. I'll wait. I'll play hard to get.  I'll be careful and not wear my heart on my sleeve.  But i totally feel like i cant help it.  I physically do not know how not to get attached. I dont want to be attached. I dont want to fall so quickly so hard for some guy that prob will just end up hurting me? often because they are weirded out that im interested so seriously so quickly.  I feel like im doomed.  I dont know how to take things slow and its really sabatoging my relationships.  Its like the only times i have been able to take things slow and not be heart-broken, are the times when i really wasnt into the guy enough to care. I was able to take it slow because i didnt even know if i wanted it to begin with.

to melt or to not

So not tooo much to say. im on a short break from school and am at home for a little while. It's nice to be home, however idk its kinda weird.  Like a few weeks ago my weight went low....like pretty considerably lower than it should be, and i have gained most back but i dont think its all of it.  However, in that time i also started eating meat again and due to the weight loss my eating has changed a little.  Like i know my metabolism is kinda on overdrive but i feel like it should be done by now! I am so much more hungry than i used to be and i dont like it. I keep thinking like i JUST ate, why would my body want more food???? And i guess ive dealt with it by rationalizing that i screwed up my body and it pretty much deserves the food at this point, however. although i know they probably aren't judging me, i feel like my family is thinking "why is she eating all of this??" like i know its more than normal but its kind of become what has to be my normal.  And again, im sure they prob arent noticing much of a difference, but i cant help but be self conscious about it. Do they think im gona get fat??? I DO....do they think im being a bad anorexic???? I DO....do they wonder if im ready to give up my eating disorder for good??? I'M NOT. I mean yes i want to move towards recovery, but im not ready to dive in head first.

so this leads me to the cause of my title. melt.  its my favorite restaraunt.  pretty much i love it because they make the best grilled cheese (huge fear food but somehow i still love it) it was the best place for me when i was vegetarian because i could get a great grilled cheese, and although i am eating some meat now, i still love the restaurant.  Yet, as i mentioned, its a huge fear food.  I feel so weak for wanting it.  So i mean i was going to go with a friend tomorrow, and for some reason if i go with somebody else, i feel like it makes it justified because i tell Ana that people would wonder if i went and didnt eat it, im only eating it to appear not to have an eating disorder. but then my friend now cant go.  So, i was all excited (guilt, like huge amount that im embarrassed to even write this.) and now shes not going.  So i mean i still could go and get it to-go.  Its not far or anything, but i feel like i need an excuse to go and tomorrow i do not have one! If i went, it would be totally me eating it on my own because I want it. This may sound crazy but there is such a huge difference and i dont know if i can make myself do that.  I even suggested that my mom go with me and we would eat together, but she doesnt really feel like it.  I know i shouldnt have to rely on other people to justify eating my favorite meal....but i do. I am sure if or when she reads this she will want to go to melt, but i couldnt say to her that i need you to eat this so i can.  That just sounds fucking selfish.  But eating disorders are..arent they? But technically that wouldnt be my eating disorder, that would be recovery? is recovery even more selfish?

so im gona keep trying somebody to go with to melt for lunch tomorrow, but if not i really dont know what i will do. its like a war to melt, or to not, that is the question! Ana is like you dont have to eat that fattening of a lunch...you could and SHOULD eat something better, if anything at all (which i will.) And this just kinda brings up something that i realized...i have no idea what the difference in calories is between my melt lunch and a lunch i would get at the mall.  YET, because i like the melt one more, i automatically feel more guilty and assume it has more calories than the mall meal.  This is a common theme for me. Its like i assume that my body only craves things i shouldnt let it have..though i really have not proof. hmmmm i really dont know where im going with this because im not able to reach a conclusion but thats whats going on tn....post again soon!

Paris

Paris. thats all i want right now. pretty much, i mean besides being skinnier hahaa but aren't Parisian women supposed to be skinny? hahah totalllllyyyyy kidding.  But not about Paris.  So i was there over spring break for a week last year, and as i am fluent in french i was in heaven.  Believe it or not, i fell in love with french crepes with nutella and banana! of course i felt a little guilty with my love for them, but i mean i kind of got over it seeing that being in europe you walk like wayyyy over the normal american so i figured it all evened out ha.

Well so im in college and a bunch of people i know are studying abroad or going on immersion trips.  I guess for a while this was kind of totally out of the question so i didnt even bother asking.  But as i found out that my sorority sister is going to study in france next semester, i didnt expect to feel SOOOO JEALOUS. Like i cant help but think, THAT SHOULD BE ME.

im the one who has taken french and loves it so much! But its not me. Because she probably will go to france and adore the food and get as much as she can and not feel guilty...she will go and not worry about whether or not they have zumba somehwere i can do it every night....she will not have to find somebody to weigh her every week to make sure she doesnt lose any weight....she will not be leaving behind a family that she is totally reliant on and that would be worried sick probably most of the time....she wont have to worry about relapsing and having to leave the program early to come back to the states and be admitted to ip again. No, she wont have to worry about any of that....but i would love not to either. i think??

I feel like people will say that if i got to go to france, staying there should be enough motivation to stay healthy and not relapse..and i would LOVE to say that i totally agree and it most def would....however, in my totally wise mind, i hate to admit it, but i could kinda seeing it go the other way.  Like what if i get to france and instead of thinking o ill have to go home if i get too sick, i think well nobody here will be worried about my weight and my parents cant see much over skype so they would never know how much weight i lose...i mean honestly based on my history, thats the more likely occurrence.

So i mean any normal person would be able to realize that studying abroad is a bad idea and i really shouldnt, however i cant help but think Im only in college once and studying abroad won't always be an opportunity, i would hate to miss it and most definitely regret it.  So how am i supposed to reconcile that? How am i supposed to get rid of the shame of having taken the time and passion to learn and succeed in the language and then letting Ana stop me from truly experiencing it?  I really dont know how i would live with myself.  Like i know that if i am to ever fully recover, which idk if i even believe in that, but for arguments sake if i did, i would most definitely regret not doing it. I feel like i would think why did i just not recover fully then and not miss the opportunity....

i know that its not necessarily a choice to like "just recover" and i mean at least i know that now, but maybe i wont think that later in life? what if i get to recovery and cannot understand at all why this was so hard for me ??? I imagine it kinda like the movie "Baby Geniuses." In the movie, the babies speak baby talk up till a point, but then once they "cross over" and speak adult, then they can no longer understand or relate to their friends.  What if its like that? What if i "cross over" to recovery and cannot at all understand my anorexia anymore and the difficulty of recovery? (understatement)

sooo that being said, im leaning towards a month program in paris....idk if that is a happy medium but i think it would be good. i mean i dont think i can get tooooo sick in a month and i feel like if i knew i would be home in a month, the freedom and distance wouldnt go to my head too much.  I mean i still feel like its a failure not to go for a whole semester. But i kinda feel like that is still not even an option..

Body building

So i haven't written in a while but i wanted to post about something that has been on my mind and present in my life lately, and i feel like perhaps writing about it may give me some sort of clarity.  so somebody very close to me has taken an interest, or i mean "obsession" may be biased but its borderline between the two.  in body building.  I mean there is a lot of debate i know in the ed community about this sport. where do i begin?
-people are being judged on their appearance.
-people are being judged on how well they can manipulate their body.
 -people are being forced to use steroids to win the competition.
-people are expected to have almost no fat on their bodies.
 -people are being rewarded for an addiction to looking "good" and looking a certain way

i mean i dont know about anybody else but this sounds freakishly similar to something people call AN EATING DISORDER. i feel like i want to scream. like how the hell are people socially allowed to do this, well not even socially allowed but socially encouraged!!! I mean when i obsessed about my body i was told i was mentally ill....anybody ELSE see a double standard here. lets just look at this. this is what people define characteristics as anorexia. (A MENTAL DISORDER) 
-obsession with weight and calories (to have no fat on bodies)
-want to have the same appearance as the stick thin models in magazines (judged by appearance)
-not eating to change their weight and appearance (manipulation)
-often anorexics take diet pills in order to attain this, or more dangerous things like ipecac (steroid use)
-HOWEVER, I WAS NOT REWARDED FOR HAVING ANOREXIA, MORE LIKE PENALIZED

so if you didnt catch on yett...the blue in parentheses is the equivalent in body building....awfully similar if you ask me......or a tonnn of other people.

I mean i guess what bothers me the most is how on Somethingfishy.com i ready that many eating disorder professionals recognize Bigorexia, as the opposite of Anorexia, i mean i know that Bigorexia involves obsession with food as well and that it interfere with your life...but idk doesnt it seem like if your goal is to win the competition..hmmm maybe its TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE???? i mean that seems even worse than interfering. Yet, it also said that there are few, if any medical professionals that will diagnose Bigorexia.

I know im totally ranting but im actually realizing that i clearly have some anger about this. not necessarily with this person that i know that is involved in body building, but with the ignorance of people. the idea that its ok to manipulate your body to be all muscle and look totally abnormal and to take steroids to change your body even more than obsessive exercise and protein shakes would do and its ok, its actually all ok! In fact, we watch these people on TV. we watch them compete in a sport.  On that note, a very good friend and i were talking about this today. She's in a similar situation as i am and i wanted some feedback from her. (note: she pretty much could finish my sentences. we agreed that much) and she said something verrrryyyyy interesting. In pretty much every single other sport, the team or individual is judged on their performance and talent. yet, this sport  of bodybuilding is NOT judging people based on talent or performance, unless you count how well they can manipulate their bodies, but if so then i win that one ha.  hahahaha. i mean bodybuilding you are judged and win based on how you look.  I mean i cant even comprehend why this is a "sport" it is nothing like any other sport.  The only aspect of it that is "sport-like" would be the aspect of competition, yet, there is plenty of competition in the ed world....might as well make anorexia the next up and coming sport.!!!! (I hope you hear my sarcasm)

well i mean i think ive said enough, i guess i had a lot to say and clearly have a lot of emotion behind it all.  I will probably try and post on this again after some reflection and therapy hahaha so night to all. i know ill sleep better having gotten that off my chest