to melt or to not

So not tooo much to say. im on a short break from school and am at home for a little while. It's nice to be home, however idk its kinda weird.  Like a few weeks ago my weight went low....like pretty considerably lower than it should be, and i have gained most back but i dont think its all of it.  However, in that time i also started eating meat again and due to the weight loss my eating has changed a little.  Like i know my metabolism is kinda on overdrive but i feel like it should be done by now! I am so much more hungry than i used to be and i dont like it. I keep thinking like i JUST ate, why would my body want more food???? And i guess ive dealt with it by rationalizing that i screwed up my body and it pretty much deserves the food at this point, however. although i know they probably aren't judging me, i feel like my family is thinking "why is she eating all of this??" like i know its more than normal but its kind of become what has to be my normal.  And again, im sure they prob arent noticing much of a difference, but i cant help but be self conscious about it. Do they think im gona get fat??? I DO....do they think im being a bad anorexic???? I DO....do they wonder if im ready to give up my eating disorder for good??? I'M NOT. I mean yes i want to move towards recovery, but im not ready to dive in head first.

so this leads me to the cause of my title. melt.  its my favorite restaraunt.  pretty much i love it because they make the best grilled cheese (huge fear food but somehow i still love it) it was the best place for me when i was vegetarian because i could get a great grilled cheese, and although i am eating some meat now, i still love the restaurant.  Yet, as i mentioned, its a huge fear food.  I feel so weak for wanting it.  So i mean i was going to go with a friend tomorrow, and for some reason if i go with somebody else, i feel like it makes it justified because i tell Ana that people would wonder if i went and didnt eat it, im only eating it to appear not to have an eating disorder. but then my friend now cant go.  So, i was all excited (guilt, like huge amount that im embarrassed to even write this.) and now shes not going.  So i mean i still could go and get it to-go.  Its not far or anything, but i feel like i need an excuse to go and tomorrow i do not have one! If i went, it would be totally me eating it on my own because I want it. This may sound crazy but there is such a huge difference and i dont know if i can make myself do that.  I even suggested that my mom go with me and we would eat together, but she doesnt really feel like it.  I know i shouldnt have to rely on other people to justify eating my favorite meal....but i do. I am sure if or when she reads this she will want to go to melt, but i couldnt say to her that i need you to eat this so i can.  That just sounds fucking selfish.  But eating disorders are..arent they? But technically that wouldnt be my eating disorder, that would be recovery? is recovery even more selfish?

so im gona keep trying somebody to go with to melt for lunch tomorrow, but if not i really dont know what i will do. its like a war to melt, or to not, that is the question! Ana is like you dont have to eat that fattening of a lunch...you could and SHOULD eat something better, if anything at all (which i will.) And this just kinda brings up something that i realized...i have no idea what the difference in calories is between my melt lunch and a lunch i would get at the mall.  YET, because i like the melt one more, i automatically feel more guilty and assume it has more calories than the mall meal.  This is a common theme for me. Its like i assume that my body only craves things i shouldnt let it have..though i really have not proof. hmmmm i really dont know where im going with this because im not able to reach a conclusion but thats whats going on tn....post again soon!