Paris

Paris. thats all i want right now. pretty much, i mean besides being skinnier hahaa but aren't Parisian women supposed to be skinny? hahah totalllllyyyyy kidding.  But not about Paris.  So i was there over spring break for a week last year, and as i am fluent in french i was in heaven.  Believe it or not, i fell in love with french crepes with nutella and banana! of course i felt a little guilty with my love for them, but i mean i kind of got over it seeing that being in europe you walk like wayyyy over the normal american so i figured it all evened out ha.

Well so im in college and a bunch of people i know are studying abroad or going on immersion trips.  I guess for a while this was kind of totally out of the question so i didnt even bother asking.  But as i found out that my sorority sister is going to study in france next semester, i didnt expect to feel SOOOO JEALOUS. Like i cant help but think, THAT SHOULD BE ME.

im the one who has taken french and loves it so much! But its not me. Because she probably will go to france and adore the food and get as much as she can and not feel guilty...she will go and not worry about whether or not they have zumba somehwere i can do it every night....she will not have to find somebody to weigh her every week to make sure she doesnt lose any weight....she will not be leaving behind a family that she is totally reliant on and that would be worried sick probably most of the time....she wont have to worry about relapsing and having to leave the program early to come back to the states and be admitted to ip again. No, she wont have to worry about any of that....but i would love not to either. i think??

I feel like people will say that if i got to go to france, staying there should be enough motivation to stay healthy and not relapse..and i would LOVE to say that i totally agree and it most def would....however, in my totally wise mind, i hate to admit it, but i could kinda seeing it go the other way.  Like what if i get to france and instead of thinking o ill have to go home if i get too sick, i think well nobody here will be worried about my weight and my parents cant see much over skype so they would never know how much weight i lose...i mean honestly based on my history, thats the more likely occurrence.

So i mean any normal person would be able to realize that studying abroad is a bad idea and i really shouldnt, however i cant help but think Im only in college once and studying abroad won't always be an opportunity, i would hate to miss it and most definitely regret it.  So how am i supposed to reconcile that? How am i supposed to get rid of the shame of having taken the time and passion to learn and succeed in the language and then letting Ana stop me from truly experiencing it?  I really dont know how i would live with myself.  Like i know that if i am to ever fully recover, which idk if i even believe in that, but for arguments sake if i did, i would most definitely regret not doing it. I feel like i would think why did i just not recover fully then and not miss the opportunity....

i know that its not necessarily a choice to like "just recover" and i mean at least i know that now, but maybe i wont think that later in life? what if i get to recovery and cannot understand at all why this was so hard for me ??? I imagine it kinda like the movie "Baby Geniuses." In the movie, the babies speak baby talk up till a point, but then once they "cross over" and speak adult, then they can no longer understand or relate to their friends.  What if its like that? What if i "cross over" to recovery and cannot at all understand my anorexia anymore and the difficulty of recovery? (understatement)

sooo that being said, im leaning towards a month program in paris....idk if that is a happy medium but i think it would be good. i mean i dont think i can get tooooo sick in a month and i feel like if i knew i would be home in a month, the freedom and distance wouldnt go to my head too much.  I mean i still feel like its a failure not to go for a whole semester. But i kinda feel like that is still not even an option..