alone.

This really isnt as depressing as it sounds. I mean i am feeling sort of alone, but like im not sad about it because I think it may be a figure of imagination.. (is that the right term?) So they say people with eating disorders, or at least anorexia are hypersensitive to others emotions.  Like you may be feeling totally fine but just tired, but i would tend to assume that its personal. you must be mad at me. you must be annoyed with me. I must have done something. or if i didnt, then at least, the VERY least you are upset about something that you dont want to talk about.  So like i have been told about this characteristic of anorexics in therapy, and been told i possess this.  Yet i mean its like fighting an oger to go against my instincts. my instincts are the oger. to go against my instincts is so hard. its like all the information im getting from the other person  is telling me that they are upset or mad or annoyed and they just dont want me to know.  And i can kinda tell when im doing this. but like its like my wise mind is telling me all the signs are there that this person is mad at you, wants you to go away, is annoyed with you, so i should just leave them alone.  I feel like the person reading this is prob getting really confused, sorry, i am just not so clear on it all myself so its hard to talk about.  I guess to sum up the idea: I tend to read into people's affect. If it is minutely not cheerful i assume they are mad or upset or annoyed or something negative.  I read into their emotions too deeply.
   And like so this tends to drive people away, but how do i know when i am totally overreacting? or just merely reacting to an obvious affect? i really dont know. i mean i can ask them i know. but how the heck am i supposed know if they are telling me the truth? like if i were mad and annoyed idk if i would be honest? ughhhh i just feel so confused.  And the problem is that when i feel like somebody is annoyed or mad at me i tend just back off. give them the cold shoulder..give them space. i guess its just i dont want to be where i am not wanted..ya know? but it sucks. because sometimes these are my closest friends i do this with and il end up losing them over soemthing that i am being stupid about.

All or Nothing

So for a while I thought all or nothing thinking could only apply to food, exercising, and weight.  I mean i understood and could recognize all of those.  But lately I recognized it in a diff part of my life, and its truly really problematic. It's been creating problems for a while but i never really realized what the issue was.  So I mean i've always been the girl who is either in a serious relationship, or none at all.  I really dont have many guy friends, and those that are friends, really quickly end up being my boyfriend or i dont talk to them anymore.  as you're reading this you probably are thinking how could you not realize that this is totally all or nothing...but i've been this way for so long that i really never thought of it as a problem.  Like i never saw the point in having guy friends. Like idk, i guess that i figured if i like them as a friend, they wouldn't be a bad boyfriend.  Not only does this keep me from making guy friends, but it also tends to get me into serious relationships that would've been better as just friendships, but I didnt really make the distinction.  I see friendship with guys as the grey area that im not really comfortable with.  And then, the part that is even more problematic, is the idea that I can't just "talk" to a guy, or like take things slow.  If i like somebody, i am very quick to jump into a serious commitment.  I dont like the area, the grey area where there is no official title.  Like it leaves for room for ambiguity...and i feel like if there is no actual commitment, then im bound to get hurt.  I mean i keep telling myself that i wont jump in too quickly. I'll wait. I'll play hard to get.  I'll be careful and not wear my heart on my sleeve.  But i totally feel like i cant help it.  I physically do not know how not to get attached. I dont want to be attached. I dont want to fall so quickly so hard for some guy that prob will just end up hurting me? often because they are weirded out that im interested so seriously so quickly.  I feel like im doomed.  I dont know how to take things slow and its really sabatoging my relationships.  Its like the only times i have been able to take things slow and not be heart-broken, are the times when i really wasnt into the guy enough to care. I was able to take it slow because i didnt even know if i wanted it to begin with.

to melt or to not

So not tooo much to say. im on a short break from school and am at home for a little while. It's nice to be home, however idk its kinda weird.  Like a few weeks ago my weight went low....like pretty considerably lower than it should be, and i have gained most back but i dont think its all of it.  However, in that time i also started eating meat again and due to the weight loss my eating has changed a little.  Like i know my metabolism is kinda on overdrive but i feel like it should be done by now! I am so much more hungry than i used to be and i dont like it. I keep thinking like i JUST ate, why would my body want more food???? And i guess ive dealt with it by rationalizing that i screwed up my body and it pretty much deserves the food at this point, however. although i know they probably aren't judging me, i feel like my family is thinking "why is she eating all of this??" like i know its more than normal but its kind of become what has to be my normal.  And again, im sure they prob arent noticing much of a difference, but i cant help but be self conscious about it. Do they think im gona get fat??? I DO....do they think im being a bad anorexic???? I DO....do they wonder if im ready to give up my eating disorder for good??? I'M NOT. I mean yes i want to move towards recovery, but im not ready to dive in head first.

so this leads me to the cause of my title. melt.  its my favorite restaraunt.  pretty much i love it because they make the best grilled cheese (huge fear food but somehow i still love it) it was the best place for me when i was vegetarian because i could get a great grilled cheese, and although i am eating some meat now, i still love the restaurant.  Yet, as i mentioned, its a huge fear food.  I feel so weak for wanting it.  So i mean i was going to go with a friend tomorrow, and for some reason if i go with somebody else, i feel like it makes it justified because i tell Ana that people would wonder if i went and didnt eat it, im only eating it to appear not to have an eating disorder. but then my friend now cant go.  So, i was all excited (guilt, like huge amount that im embarrassed to even write this.) and now shes not going.  So i mean i still could go and get it to-go.  Its not far or anything, but i feel like i need an excuse to go and tomorrow i do not have one! If i went, it would be totally me eating it on my own because I want it. This may sound crazy but there is such a huge difference and i dont know if i can make myself do that.  I even suggested that my mom go with me and we would eat together, but she doesnt really feel like it.  I know i shouldnt have to rely on other people to justify eating my favorite meal....but i do. I am sure if or when she reads this she will want to go to melt, but i couldnt say to her that i need you to eat this so i can.  That just sounds fucking selfish.  But eating disorders are..arent they? But technically that wouldnt be my eating disorder, that would be recovery? is recovery even more selfish?

so im gona keep trying somebody to go with to melt for lunch tomorrow, but if not i really dont know what i will do. its like a war to melt, or to not, that is the question! Ana is like you dont have to eat that fattening of a lunch...you could and SHOULD eat something better, if anything at all (which i will.) And this just kinda brings up something that i realized...i have no idea what the difference in calories is between my melt lunch and a lunch i would get at the mall.  YET, because i like the melt one more, i automatically feel more guilty and assume it has more calories than the mall meal.  This is a common theme for me. Its like i assume that my body only craves things i shouldnt let it have..though i really have not proof. hmmmm i really dont know where im going with this because im not able to reach a conclusion but thats whats going on tn....post again soon!

Paris

Paris. thats all i want right now. pretty much, i mean besides being skinnier hahaa but aren't Parisian women supposed to be skinny? hahah totalllllyyyyy kidding.  But not about Paris.  So i was there over spring break for a week last year, and as i am fluent in french i was in heaven.  Believe it or not, i fell in love with french crepes with nutella and banana! of course i felt a little guilty with my love for them, but i mean i kind of got over it seeing that being in europe you walk like wayyyy over the normal american so i figured it all evened out ha.

Well so im in college and a bunch of people i know are studying abroad or going on immersion trips.  I guess for a while this was kind of totally out of the question so i didnt even bother asking.  But as i found out that my sorority sister is going to study in france next semester, i didnt expect to feel SOOOO JEALOUS. Like i cant help but think, THAT SHOULD BE ME.

im the one who has taken french and loves it so much! But its not me. Because she probably will go to france and adore the food and get as much as she can and not feel guilty...she will go and not worry about whether or not they have zumba somehwere i can do it every night....she will not have to find somebody to weigh her every week to make sure she doesnt lose any weight....she will not be leaving behind a family that she is totally reliant on and that would be worried sick probably most of the time....she wont have to worry about relapsing and having to leave the program early to come back to the states and be admitted to ip again. No, she wont have to worry about any of that....but i would love not to either. i think??

I feel like people will say that if i got to go to france, staying there should be enough motivation to stay healthy and not relapse..and i would LOVE to say that i totally agree and it most def would....however, in my totally wise mind, i hate to admit it, but i could kinda seeing it go the other way.  Like what if i get to france and instead of thinking o ill have to go home if i get too sick, i think well nobody here will be worried about my weight and my parents cant see much over skype so they would never know how much weight i lose...i mean honestly based on my history, thats the more likely occurrence.

So i mean any normal person would be able to realize that studying abroad is a bad idea and i really shouldnt, however i cant help but think Im only in college once and studying abroad won't always be an opportunity, i would hate to miss it and most definitely regret it.  So how am i supposed to reconcile that? How am i supposed to get rid of the shame of having taken the time and passion to learn and succeed in the language and then letting Ana stop me from truly experiencing it?  I really dont know how i would live with myself.  Like i know that if i am to ever fully recover, which idk if i even believe in that, but for arguments sake if i did, i would most definitely regret not doing it. I feel like i would think why did i just not recover fully then and not miss the opportunity....

i know that its not necessarily a choice to like "just recover" and i mean at least i know that now, but maybe i wont think that later in life? what if i get to recovery and cannot understand at all why this was so hard for me ??? I imagine it kinda like the movie "Baby Geniuses." In the movie, the babies speak baby talk up till a point, but then once they "cross over" and speak adult, then they can no longer understand or relate to their friends.  What if its like that? What if i "cross over" to recovery and cannot at all understand my anorexia anymore and the difficulty of recovery? (understatement)

sooo that being said, im leaning towards a month program in paris....idk if that is a happy medium but i think it would be good. i mean i dont think i can get tooooo sick in a month and i feel like if i knew i would be home in a month, the freedom and distance wouldnt go to my head too much.  I mean i still feel like its a failure not to go for a whole semester. But i kinda feel like that is still not even an option..

Body building

So i haven't written in a while but i wanted to post about something that has been on my mind and present in my life lately, and i feel like perhaps writing about it may give me some sort of clarity.  so somebody very close to me has taken an interest, or i mean "obsession" may be biased but its borderline between the two.  in body building.  I mean there is a lot of debate i know in the ed community about this sport. where do i begin?
-people are being judged on their appearance.
-people are being judged on how well they can manipulate their body.
 -people are being forced to use steroids to win the competition.
-people are expected to have almost no fat on their bodies.
 -people are being rewarded for an addiction to looking "good" and looking a certain way

i mean i dont know about anybody else but this sounds freakishly similar to something people call AN EATING DISORDER. i feel like i want to scream. like how the hell are people socially allowed to do this, well not even socially allowed but socially encouraged!!! I mean when i obsessed about my body i was told i was mentally ill....anybody ELSE see a double standard here. lets just look at this. this is what people define characteristics as anorexia. (A MENTAL DISORDER) 
-obsession with weight and calories (to have no fat on bodies)
-want to have the same appearance as the stick thin models in magazines (judged by appearance)
-not eating to change their weight and appearance (manipulation)
-often anorexics take diet pills in order to attain this, or more dangerous things like ipecac (steroid use)
-HOWEVER, I WAS NOT REWARDED FOR HAVING ANOREXIA, MORE LIKE PENALIZED

so if you didnt catch on yett...the blue in parentheses is the equivalent in body building....awfully similar if you ask me......or a tonnn of other people.

I mean i guess what bothers me the most is how on Somethingfishy.com i ready that many eating disorder professionals recognize Bigorexia, as the opposite of Anorexia, i mean i know that Bigorexia involves obsession with food as well and that it interfere with your life...but idk doesnt it seem like if your goal is to win the competition..hmmm maybe its TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE???? i mean that seems even worse than interfering. Yet, it also said that there are few, if any medical professionals that will diagnose Bigorexia.

I know im totally ranting but im actually realizing that i clearly have some anger about this. not necessarily with this person that i know that is involved in body building, but with the ignorance of people. the idea that its ok to manipulate your body to be all muscle and look totally abnormal and to take steroids to change your body even more than obsessive exercise and protein shakes would do and its ok, its actually all ok! In fact, we watch these people on TV. we watch them compete in a sport.  On that note, a very good friend and i were talking about this today. She's in a similar situation as i am and i wanted some feedback from her. (note: she pretty much could finish my sentences. we agreed that much) and she said something verrrryyyyy interesting. In pretty much every single other sport, the team or individual is judged on their performance and talent. yet, this sport  of bodybuilding is NOT judging people based on talent or performance, unless you count how well they can manipulate their bodies, but if so then i win that one ha.  hahahaha. i mean bodybuilding you are judged and win based on how you look.  I mean i cant even comprehend why this is a "sport" it is nothing like any other sport.  The only aspect of it that is "sport-like" would be the aspect of competition, yet, there is plenty of competition in the ed world....might as well make anorexia the next up and coming sport.!!!! (I hope you hear my sarcasm)

well i mean i think ive said enough, i guess i had a lot to say and clearly have a lot of emotion behind it all.  I will probably try and post on this again after some reflection and therapy hahaha so night to all. i know ill sleep better having gotten that off my chest

You know who you are ;)

So a good friend, a super important and special person to me is having a bitch of a time with Ana.  She has a blog and i read it avidly just to keep a check on her and see how i can help.  We live pretty far apart and texting doesnt always convey everything i want to tell her so when i read her latest post i thought i would dedicate this post to her.  She needs to hear all i have to say, and i think it is a lesson that can help a lot of people. so hear it goes!

Darling, being responsible for yourself is the hardest thing ever! I truly dont think there is any way to completely be ok with being responsible for your own eating and actions and decisions about food.   I think you grew up in Maudsley like me?? For so long there was absolutely no choice in what we ate. it was not even an option and therefore we didnt feel AS guilty because it wasnt OUR choice.  I remember sitting in the windowless room in the hospital and listening to another girl who was farther along in her recovery than i was, talk about how she was so scared to go get her snack when her mom forgot.  She would have totally eaten it if her mom got it, but because her mom forgot... she didnt HAVE to eat it and then the guilt creeps up. Its like if we can get Ana to blame somebody but us, it takes the burden off of us.  The anger isnt towards us..its towards them! I never ever thought i would be able to remind my mom, i mean for God's sake, i was still hiding food in unmentionable places to get rid of crumbs of calories!! There was no effing was i was going to remind my mom i needed a snack!!! However, what i have seen is that the relying on people for a while is NOT A BAD THING.  i did it for about the first three years of my in and out of treatment.  My parents prepared the meals. decided what i ate. measured. weighed. and Ana wasnt mad at me so it was somewhat bearable.  I dont know how it changes, its a subconcious process. the only thing i can explain it like is that the more you go through the motions of eating, the less weird it becomes.  It doesnt matter that its for somebody else or because somebody else is making you, its like youre training yourself the whole time to do it on your own.  it just happens.  Its like one day your mom is waiting till 3:15 for you pm snack but at 3 you feel yourself hungry...its like youll realize that youre gona eat anyways, why not just get it on your own when you actually feel the need for it???!!! now i know dear, this sounds foreign but what i am trying to tell you is that you shouldnt feel guilty at all for relying on other people.  HOWEVER, they MUST know that you are relying on them.  You need to be very forward and say "mom dad, i am at a point where i will eat but i need you to remind me and tell me that i need to.  explain the guilt piece to them. tell them that its ok if they tell you to eat but you just cant do it on your own...YET (key word=yet)  I mean there is no shame in saying what you need, which is accountability.  That was actually a skill at my last treatment center, not a weakness...a skill!!!! And i promise you, that the more you get into the habit of eating, slowly you will realize that if you dont make yourself do it...somebody will!!! your mom, dad, or a treatment center! through force or a tube!!! so im not saying you have to take responsiblity today, but take responsiblity and ask for their support and accountability.  its what you need and shouldnt be ashamed.  It shows how far you have come that you WANT them to tell you to eat!! and honestly...the rest will come my dear!

Help in an unexpected person.

Long time no post..i know i just have been really busy and not had a whole lot of insight as to what was going on with me.  Well, i had a really good and eye opening night tonight.  Ive been hanging out a lot with a girl ive been in treatment with since the beginning...like the very beginning. She is a bit younger than me, but we have gone through almost all of the same stuff and really get each other.  I remember even when i first started and i wanted nothing more than to be thin and stay sick, i wanted Lola (we will call her) to get better.  I wanted her to be back to her life and get out of her routine of her eating disorder.  Today she is doing pretty well, but like me, Ana is still and may always be a part of her.   We laugh to this day about how awful we were when we were younger...i told her she was the most difficult child i had ever seen..she laughs now! We didnt talk for a few years and i never really thought we would be this close..but we are.  We have started doing fun activities together and its just really good to talk to her because since she has known me so long and gone through it all with me, she gets me. nothing i say surprises her...which is truly rare! haha
 
Well tonight i suggested we go out to eat, after our fun activity.  Although we are really close, I still dont know how comfortable she is with eating.  I mean i know she will do it, but i didnt know if this would be hard for her.  I actually felt kind of guilty because i SOOOO didnt want to put her in a situation where she would feel uncomfortable or feel badly saying no and then it cause bad stuff to happen after or anything...i just really thought it would be fun to eat out together and talk but i was a little nervous.  SKIPPING AHEAD it went really well. we had a lot of fun and she said it was really good that we did it together!

So heres where ill get to the interesting part, I realized how motivated i was at dinner not to worry about calories or anything and to be TOTALLLY NOT EATING DISORDERED.  I guess i still feel like as much as i want to be sick, i so want her to be well.  I think i feel like if im doing well, maybe being a little older she will follow in my footsteps.  I want to be a role model for her.  I want to set a good example.  I guess its kind of a lot of pressure, but i really dont feel that way.  I just feel like this is motivating me to do well myself.  I've always wanted to work with eating disorders and be an advocate and although the advocacy thing is going well, i doubt ill be recovered enough to work with EDs.  But i see this as an opportunity.  An opportunity to change the course of Lola's life.  Show her that if i can do it, maybe we can beat this together! She is so receptive to what i tell her and she knows so much about me that she knows i wouldnt bullshit her.  Im going to tell her if it sucks and all but mostly i just want her to get better and to be honest, i think it wouldve helped if i had somebody to play the role im playing for her.  Not that i dont have amazing role models, but somebody who still is going through it every day and knows exactly how much it sucks, who was older and maybe a bit wiser (ha maybe??) I think with all the older role models out there who are constantly dieting and bouncing between "anorexically thin" and "obese" (i say those with such sarcasm and disgust because of the way the media uses them), that having somebody real who is recovering from an eating disorder would have helped.  But lets not fret over what cannot be changed..what i can do is be there for Lola.  And i will be.  She is helping me, as much as i am helping her.