You know the feeling of wanting to be the best? Well the answer for me was to be the best at Ana. I would be the thinnest. the sickest. the most anorexically motivated. the one that always fought for Ana. And never let anything blindside me from the goal of being the best anorexic.
I remember when somebody, dont remember if it was a treatment provider or my mom, asked why i didnt focus that drive into recovery? I could be the best at recovery. For some reason that never worked for me. I really cant pinpoint why not, i mean in theory its a good idea. but its like i wanted to be the best at something that not everybody could do. I didnt think everybody had the amount of will-power that i did to be thin. to me recovery was the easy way out. the way that anybody with less will-power than me could do, so why would i want to succeed at that?
It may sound crazy but it still all makes sense to me. I totally feel the same way, thought i havent let my actions reflect it. I am going through the motions of a great recovery, but i really dont know what or who i would be without my eating disorder. Like when i meet somebody for the first time, i dont outright say "i struggle with anorexia." but i kinda feel like for them to know and get me, they will eventually need to know that. I guess it could be considered skillful, and i really doubt its gona ever change, but i am noticing that it allows Ana to still hold on to me. It allows me to keep that as my identity. Its like I cant just say "Hi im Gillian" because otherwise there is nothing special about me to remember. It may sound sad that thats what i consider special, but it is. It sets me apart from a lot of people. It allows me to be good at something, losing weight and not eating, that not everybody is. It allows me to distinguish myself from the so called normal population, and put me in the smaller (no pun intended) population of anorexics. i guess i see that as a more prestigious spot because not everybody can be there.
But since my actions cannot really mimic my feelings about anorexia anymore, ive noticed myself trying to build an identity. Most of you prob think thats great! an identity outside of Ana!! WHAT COULD BE BETTER??!! Well the thought is good, but im noticing all to many similarities between this "forming identity" and my anorexic identity. My new identity really has to do with being noticed for being stylish and classy and well dressed and fashionable and having good taste and having people be jealous of me for that instead of anorexia. yes, im embarrassed as i write this because i really shouldnt want people to be jealous of me. but i guess thats the feeling i had in my ED, I wanted people to look at me and think, wow i wish i was as thin as her!! but people dont do that anymore, if they ever did. So yea. i am seeing that both identities are based on an outward appearance. I've noticed that both identities involve being noticed for something. being the best. So like as im planning my room decorations for next year, i notice that i keep adding things. its like ill be totally happy with it today...but tomorrow i have something to make it even better!! it may sound like im just being a silly girl, but the similarity between this and my ED is interesting. its like with my weight it could ALWAYS be lower, and with my room it can ALWAYS be better. idk its just interesting.
but i guess this identity is better than my Ana one. I mean it costs more, which makes me mad. i keep thinking well being anorexic was free while im spending money to build this new identity... but i guess i just have to get over that. I mean ive tried other identities, ive tried involving in activities and that never worked. i couldnt find anything i was as passionate about. and i mean ive done the co-dependency thing with boyfriends. That did work...till that became extremely self-destructive too. I mean i still struggle with this one but the NEW identity of fashion and class is helping distract me from things. it may not be a fix all or the best or cheapest ha solution, but its getting me somewhere i think.. and anywhere is somewhere.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
just a lot of stuff
Normally i name my posts before i write them..i usually have an idea of what i wana talk about...however not so much the case this time. I guess its been a few days and in those few days i didnt THINK a lot had happened but as im sitting down and trying to decide where to begin..ha maybe i was wrong OOPS ;)
Well im home now which idk how i feel about...kinda good. i guess i was really looking forward to the trip and it went really well just really quickly. but i guess two potential topics come to mind..i guess il go with both and see where it takes me! ha
well the first topic is insecurity. yea sure im insecure about my body. i hate this i hate that...blah blah its kind of white noise now. i guess it doesnt even seem worth me discussing because 1) it wont get me anywhere whether you hear it or not, and 2) it just makes me laugh to say it outloud because nobody really wants to hear it anymore. so i keep it to myself. i may not like it but thats not the insecurity im talking about. this is the insecurity about my self worth and insecurity about why people want to be around me and care about me. Like i feel the closest people to me are those that i have met in treatment, because they do want to talk about this stuff, they do understand why i feel this way and when i talk about EDs or nutrition or media pressure it actually interests them! But lately im not really surrounded by people from treatment. Im in touch with them, but im back in a life that doesnt totally revolve around EDs, however my mind is still there. So i really dont know why somebody not as interested as me can want to be around me....SO WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS??? ha i tend to ramble and go on tangents but what i am really trying to get at is this...i always doubt the security of my relationships. No matter what relationship i've been in if i am not getting constant reassurance from the other person that they are still interested in me or still want to be with or around me...i immediately start to doubt it. crazy? yea probably lol. But its true. And God bless my therapist who is my sounding board for this crazy paranoia, but its something i cant seem to shake. And any of you who have been reading these blogs know that im blaming a lot on Ana, and i really dont know if i even believe what im about to say ha, but maybe, its true? il try you! maybe Ana doesnt want me to feel connected to people outside of treatment. She wants me to feel controlled and totally linked to that time and part of my life. Because if not...i may begin to fathom the idea that i may not need her??? crazy? idk but its like if im doubting all of my other relationships and the only ones i can rely on are my treatment people and Ana...well that kinda keeps me under her wrath. So i mean idk if i even believe that...maybe if you wanna give feedback let me know lol but its just a thought...thinking outloud here!
Second topic (bored yet??? ha) well now that i think about it im kind of going off of my first topic but its a little different. Along with not feeling secure....and because im not feeling secure i constantly plan. I plan my outfit for the next day because im afraid il wake up in the morning and have a meltdown. I plan meals...well you can guess why ha...i plan my week/day. i plan my night. i plan my workout schedule. i plan presents months in advance. i really plan everything! literally il lay in bed thinking i have this and this and this to do..and i wont fall asleep till i figure out a schedule and have it in ink. again CRAZY ha but i cant help it. I guess it gives me some sort of control in a world where i feel totally out of control. Like dont get me wrong, being out of control allows me to feel less guilty for the things i do that Ana does not want me to do (ex. eating, walking not running, following an exercise regimine to the tee...) i mean the lack of control def lets me off the guilty hook with Ana, but that doesnt let me feel any less out of control. Like idk i guess its like theres a sword at both ends. I feel like there are swords at a hundred ends. every way i turn there is a sword. and ya now i sound depressing but i guess i just feel trapped sometimes. Like im doing the motions of recovery and i know that the goals i have for my life will NEVER be achieved if i do not succeed in recovery..however part of me doesnt even know if i think i can fully recover. like maybe its just not possible for me. and they are forcing something that will never be. I am in no way giving up and i will go through these motions for a very lot longer before i throw in the towel but its just hard sometimes. To see such little progress mentally. I guess i wish i thought differently now. that Ana wasnt even a consideration. But she is. she always is. however since my loved ones have pretty much banned her from my life, i am doing the best i can without having a choice. I plan because it gives me control. and i am not in control of a whole lot right now.
PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT I AM SAYING THAT I NEED MORE CONTROL. I KNOW THIS IS WHATS BEST FOR ME AND I ACCEPT THAT. I AM MEARLY VENTING FRUSTRATION OVER A GOOD, BUT TIRING SITUATION. MY PARENTS ARE SAVING MY LIFE.
Well im home now which idk how i feel about...kinda good. i guess i was really looking forward to the trip and it went really well just really quickly. but i guess two potential topics come to mind..i guess il go with both and see where it takes me! ha
well the first topic is insecurity. yea sure im insecure about my body. i hate this i hate that...blah blah its kind of white noise now. i guess it doesnt even seem worth me discussing because 1) it wont get me anywhere whether you hear it or not, and 2) it just makes me laugh to say it outloud because nobody really wants to hear it anymore. so i keep it to myself. i may not like it but thats not the insecurity im talking about. this is the insecurity about my self worth and insecurity about why people want to be around me and care about me. Like i feel the closest people to me are those that i have met in treatment, because they do want to talk about this stuff, they do understand why i feel this way and when i talk about EDs or nutrition or media pressure it actually interests them! But lately im not really surrounded by people from treatment. Im in touch with them, but im back in a life that doesnt totally revolve around EDs, however my mind is still there. So i really dont know why somebody not as interested as me can want to be around me....SO WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS??? ha i tend to ramble and go on tangents but what i am really trying to get at is this...i always doubt the security of my relationships. No matter what relationship i've been in if i am not getting constant reassurance from the other person that they are still interested in me or still want to be with or around me...i immediately start to doubt it. crazy? yea probably lol. But its true. And God bless my therapist who is my sounding board for this crazy paranoia, but its something i cant seem to shake. And any of you who have been reading these blogs know that im blaming a lot on Ana, and i really dont know if i even believe what im about to say ha, but maybe, its true? il try you! maybe Ana doesnt want me to feel connected to people outside of treatment. She wants me to feel controlled and totally linked to that time and part of my life. Because if not...i may begin to fathom the idea that i may not need her??? crazy? idk but its like if im doubting all of my other relationships and the only ones i can rely on are my treatment people and Ana...well that kinda keeps me under her wrath. So i mean idk if i even believe that...maybe if you wanna give feedback let me know lol but its just a thought...thinking outloud here!
Second topic (bored yet??? ha) well now that i think about it im kind of going off of my first topic but its a little different. Along with not feeling secure....and because im not feeling secure i constantly plan. I plan my outfit for the next day because im afraid il wake up in the morning and have a meltdown. I plan meals...well you can guess why ha...i plan my week/day. i plan my night. i plan my workout schedule. i plan presents months in advance. i really plan everything! literally il lay in bed thinking i have this and this and this to do..and i wont fall asleep till i figure out a schedule and have it in ink. again CRAZY ha but i cant help it. I guess it gives me some sort of control in a world where i feel totally out of control. Like dont get me wrong, being out of control allows me to feel less guilty for the things i do that Ana does not want me to do (ex. eating, walking not running, following an exercise regimine to the tee...) i mean the lack of control def lets me off the guilty hook with Ana, but that doesnt let me feel any less out of control. Like idk i guess its like theres a sword at both ends. I feel like there are swords at a hundred ends. every way i turn there is a sword. and ya now i sound depressing but i guess i just feel trapped sometimes. Like im doing the motions of recovery and i know that the goals i have for my life will NEVER be achieved if i do not succeed in recovery..however part of me doesnt even know if i think i can fully recover. like maybe its just not possible for me. and they are forcing something that will never be. I am in no way giving up and i will go through these motions for a very lot longer before i throw in the towel but its just hard sometimes. To see such little progress mentally. I guess i wish i thought differently now. that Ana wasnt even a consideration. But she is. she always is. however since my loved ones have pretty much banned her from my life, i am doing the best i can without having a choice. I plan because it gives me control. and i am not in control of a whole lot right now.
PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT I AM SAYING THAT I NEED MORE CONTROL. I KNOW THIS IS WHATS BEST FOR ME AND I ACCEPT THAT. I AM MEARLY VENTING FRUSTRATION OVER A GOOD, BUT TIRING SITUATION. MY PARENTS ARE SAVING MY LIFE.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Guilt.
Today was a difficult day. just a lot of stress with a lot of family time. my brother who i love very much wasnt in a super duper mood and that kind of put a damper on my originally chipper mood. I duno why i let other peoples emotions affect me so much, its kind of a problem, but i've been told that it is a typical trait of people with anorexia...we tend to internalize other people's emotions and problems...really sucks if you ask me! ha And as i've said before my grandparents are amazing and special people but the whole day with my grandmother is just enough to send anyone bonkers. I mean i love her to death and this could sound harsh but she marvels at EVERYTHING! like the trees on the hill are "just magnificent" (they are standard trees) and her favorite tree, the weeping willow...well not like we have seen over a hundred of those, but dont bother trying to drive by one without getting a reaction haha
but that just sets the stage for how my day was going...just slightly annoyed. ED thoughts werent too bad today, my mom actually told me something that i never thought about my body but always wanted. (i wont say specifics as to trigger anybody) but it made me feel good...idk if it made *me* feel good or *Ana* feel good....cant really separate the two yet. But the moral is that it was stressful but manageable until we went shopping. Now see i LOVE to shop. clothes are my favorite but handbags and accessories and home decorations...pretty much anything i can make fun. Well we went to Forever 21 which is a pretty cheap store and i found a few things...see my grandparents usually pay when i am with them however i figured it was a small price and i would just pay myself. I liked everything a lot, but when i got to the cash register i immediately started second guessing myself. Now this is NOTHING NEW. I do this all the time. As much as i love buying new things, spending money is super hard for me. I always feel so incredibly guilty after...sometimes to the point of being sick or just returning the items. Today i really tried to rationalize with myself...use some *wise mind*...yea it was way beyond skills ha...sadly. i felt so sick i couldnt eat dinner. (but i did eat it a little later, just got it to-go) I actually went back to the store to return it! only to find out that they only do store credit!!! you would think they might mention that...NOPE. well i mean i left the store that second time feeling mixed emotions. I was pissed i couldnt return it. i felt stupid for not thinking it through before i bought it. but i also thought well this will give me a chance to enjoy the clothes without thinking i could just return them for money. i mean it was kind of like forcing me to sit with the anxiety of having spent the money...not fun... but supposedly a good lesson!
But i think feeling guilty is something that people with eating disorders really feel severely. I think it starts out with feeling guilty for eating or consuming calories or something of the sort...then maybe not having the behaviour they usually have...then for challenging the eating disorder....the list goes on and on but i know throughout my ED i ALWAYS felt guilty for something. maybe it would be guilty that my parents didnt have a healthy daughter, or that i lied to them, or that i crossed my fingers when i swore to God, or when i made my ill mom get out of bed because she caught me exercising...and again the list goes on. But Ana is clever, and just because i may not feel the magnitude of the guilt from my eating disorder, though i think i may always have some guilt for not committing my life to Ana, she is grasping at straws. Making me feel guilty about other things. Spending money. i feel like im letting people down when i spend money. Like im being frivolous and it could be going to a better place and im not worthy of just buying what i want. (eventhough i earned the money) I mean Ana is making me feel guilty in other ways...maybe hoping i will revert back to my eating disorder to cope with that negative emotion. And you know what!????? SHE IS DAMN SMART. I can totally see this happening, but today i dodged her clever trap. I did eat dinner tho i would have loved to have skipped it. I reached out to my friends and family for support instead of dealing with the emotion on my own. So as much as i may feel guilty for a lot and shopping especially....i must be aware that it really is Ana who is making me feel guilty...and she hasn't been honest with me yet..so why now??
but that just sets the stage for how my day was going...just slightly annoyed. ED thoughts werent too bad today, my mom actually told me something that i never thought about my body but always wanted. (i wont say specifics as to trigger anybody) but it made me feel good...idk if it made *me* feel good or *Ana* feel good....cant really separate the two yet. But the moral is that it was stressful but manageable until we went shopping. Now see i LOVE to shop. clothes are my favorite but handbags and accessories and home decorations...pretty much anything i can make fun. Well we went to Forever 21 which is a pretty cheap store and i found a few things...see my grandparents usually pay when i am with them however i figured it was a small price and i would just pay myself. I liked everything a lot, but when i got to the cash register i immediately started second guessing myself. Now this is NOTHING NEW. I do this all the time. As much as i love buying new things, spending money is super hard for me. I always feel so incredibly guilty after...sometimes to the point of being sick or just returning the items. Today i really tried to rationalize with myself...use some *wise mind*...yea it was way beyond skills ha...sadly. i felt so sick i couldnt eat dinner. (but i did eat it a little later, just got it to-go) I actually went back to the store to return it! only to find out that they only do store credit!!! you would think they might mention that...NOPE. well i mean i left the store that second time feeling mixed emotions. I was pissed i couldnt return it. i felt stupid for not thinking it through before i bought it. but i also thought well this will give me a chance to enjoy the clothes without thinking i could just return them for money. i mean it was kind of like forcing me to sit with the anxiety of having spent the money...not fun... but supposedly a good lesson!
But i think feeling guilty is something that people with eating disorders really feel severely. I think it starts out with feeling guilty for eating or consuming calories or something of the sort...then maybe not having the behaviour they usually have...then for challenging the eating disorder....the list goes on and on but i know throughout my ED i ALWAYS felt guilty for something. maybe it would be guilty that my parents didnt have a healthy daughter, or that i lied to them, or that i crossed my fingers when i swore to God, or when i made my ill mom get out of bed because she caught me exercising...and again the list goes on. But Ana is clever, and just because i may not feel the magnitude of the guilt from my eating disorder, though i think i may always have some guilt for not committing my life to Ana, she is grasping at straws. Making me feel guilty about other things. Spending money. i feel like im letting people down when i spend money. Like im being frivolous and it could be going to a better place and im not worthy of just buying what i want. (eventhough i earned the money) I mean Ana is making me feel guilty in other ways...maybe hoping i will revert back to my eating disorder to cope with that negative emotion. And you know what!????? SHE IS DAMN SMART. I can totally see this happening, but today i dodged her clever trap. I did eat dinner tho i would have loved to have skipped it. I reached out to my friends and family for support instead of dealing with the emotion on my own. So as much as i may feel guilty for a lot and shopping especially....i must be aware that it really is Ana who is making me feel guilty...and she hasn't been honest with me yet..so why now??
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Jaded Memories.
So I am actually out of town right now...i'm back in my hometown where my extended family still lives. Its great to see my family because im super close with my grandparents..however these trips are always a little difficult. See my family can be extremely triggering..without knowing it OF COURSE. I mean i know everybody's family is like that but honestly until you have met my grandparents...lets just say you may question if they have EDs. (WHICH THEY DONT but its just difficult...they are stubborn and elder so ya)
Well before we actually met up with the fam we stopped at my grandma's house. I love her house...see shes totally OCD like me and everything in her house is white and spotless and its just so crisp and clean hahaha weird but true. And see not to sound narcissistic but my brother and i are the center of her universe. Soooo naturally her house is filled with pictures from birth to present. Its always fun to go and see baby pictures...but its not so fun when you've had an ED for most of your life and currently look very different than you did for most of your life. So i mean i kind of expected it and my *wise mind* told me not to even look at the pics...see i knew i shouldnt..but there's something so addicting to me about pro-ana. Now please know this is NOT pro-ana but it was the same idea..they were pics of a sick looking person----ME. I looked at a few and i mean one i was clearly sick in but it was the sick i knew i was..like i was aware of when i looked that way...or at least i am now. but then there was this one picture that kind of shocked me. I mean i know they say that you when you are in your ED you cannot correctly perceive your body or weight loss, but the thing is that i was sort of in recovery at the time this picture was taken. and i will not trigger anybody with details so all i will say is that i never realized i was that thin..even when i was sick..let alone in recovery.
And then of course as im marveling at how different i look my mom walked over. see my mom usually gets all of this and is honestly the most important and supportive person to me. I WOULD BE NOWHERE WITHOUT HER. yet, in this moment i said like jokingly.."i look really *triggering word* in this picture and she just kind of laughed and pulled me away, giving me the look of ARE YOU SERIOUSLY STARTING THIS???!!! see i was seriously starting it, i wanted support and something more encouraging than her shrugging it off...however i did not let it ruin my day...i wasn't in the best mood the rest of the evening and until now i didnt know why...but i mean i guess in the whole scheme of things i could have reacted a whole lot worse...so yea
But the whole purpose of this was to point out to you..and myself that Ana or maybe in somebody elses case Mia, only lets us remember the parts of our disease that benefit her. Like I remember that I loved not eating, and that i felt in control, and that i felt the bliss of numbness, but i also remember not being skinny enough..EVER! yet im starting to see that Ana CONVENIENTLY forgot to remind me that i looked sick and had reached a bad point...something i really never accepted. I mean im not saying i totally believe it from one picture or that i am ready to end my friendship with Ana, but im saying that this was definitely a strike against her tonight..and i think every strike counts!
Well before we actually met up with the fam we stopped at my grandma's house. I love her house...see shes totally OCD like me and everything in her house is white and spotless and its just so crisp and clean hahaha weird but true. And see not to sound narcissistic but my brother and i are the center of her universe. Soooo naturally her house is filled with pictures from birth to present. Its always fun to go and see baby pictures...but its not so fun when you've had an ED for most of your life and currently look very different than you did for most of your life. So i mean i kind of expected it and my *wise mind* told me not to even look at the pics...see i knew i shouldnt..but there's something so addicting to me about pro-ana. Now please know this is NOT pro-ana but it was the same idea..they were pics of a sick looking person----ME. I looked at a few and i mean one i was clearly sick in but it was the sick i knew i was..like i was aware of when i looked that way...or at least i am now. but then there was this one picture that kind of shocked me. I mean i know they say that you when you are in your ED you cannot correctly perceive your body or weight loss, but the thing is that i was sort of in recovery at the time this picture was taken. and i will not trigger anybody with details so all i will say is that i never realized i was that thin..even when i was sick..let alone in recovery.
And then of course as im marveling at how different i look my mom walked over. see my mom usually gets all of this and is honestly the most important and supportive person to me. I WOULD BE NOWHERE WITHOUT HER. yet, in this moment i said like jokingly.."i look really *triggering word* in this picture and she just kind of laughed and pulled me away, giving me the look of ARE YOU SERIOUSLY STARTING THIS???!!! see i was seriously starting it, i wanted support and something more encouraging than her shrugging it off...however i did not let it ruin my day...i wasn't in the best mood the rest of the evening and until now i didnt know why...but i mean i guess in the whole scheme of things i could have reacted a whole lot worse...so yea
But the whole purpose of this was to point out to you..and myself that Ana or maybe in somebody elses case Mia, only lets us remember the parts of our disease that benefit her. Like I remember that I loved not eating, and that i felt in control, and that i felt the bliss of numbness, but i also remember not being skinny enough..EVER! yet im starting to see that Ana CONVENIENTLY forgot to remind me that i looked sick and had reached a bad point...something i really never accepted. I mean im not saying i totally believe it from one picture or that i am ready to end my friendship with Ana, but im saying that this was definitely a strike against her tonight..and i think every strike counts!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Late.
So I am kinda having a weird night. This isnt my usual *one subject* post, but more of a vent and so if you are not interested...totally take no offense ;) So i had a good evening, baked cupcakes with my best friend but now i am home and all day my dog has been acting weird...now this may not make much sense to some people but my dog is like my child, i couldnt love him any more if i tried. I miss him when i am sitting next to him. I talk about him constantly. He gets whatever he wants. I cannot get enough of him. But as great as i am saying he is, he does have a grouchy side. So it isnt weird that he is snappy, but what is weird is since this morning his tail has been between his legs and he doesnt really wanna be touched...just lay close to somebody???!!!! This is so not like him. Usually he wants to be scratched all the time and his tail is always wagging!! So i know my mom said we would call the vet in the morning but i am laying here so worried. See-i got my dog, named Ed, as a sort of reward. It was the first time i got out of treatment, hahaha i know should've been the last but what can ya do?? I named him Ed...idk why exactly it just seemed right. I fell in love with him right away, and he is my love. I would take him everywhere with me if i could. I remember the first week we had him he was a really little puppy and i had him in a blanket and i carried him through Target. the lady was like....
"miss, we dont allow dogs, but he's so darn cute, if you keep him quiet i wont tell!!!!!" hahahahahahha
I could just go on and on about him. He is my world, and i just dont even want to think about what i would do if something was wrong or happened to him. He's not so much a motivation....as a reminder of the work i do to fight my eating disorder. Like when i was at Remuda for four months i remember i missed him the most, because you can talk to your family...but not to your puppy!!
And i know i really should just put it out of my mind because we will call the vet tomorrow but my OCD is not letting me. I have tried to be super skillful and read and do my nails and yes i know its 1am but im not sleepy and i just am sitting here FREAKING. I know if my mom was up she would talk sense into me...but i doubt she'd be thrilled if i woke her ha. so im left to stew...and write to you :) And see, the even bigger problem is when i feel out of control...i always resort to my ED. However, since it is not meal time i cannot gain control that way and my other ways of releasing anxiety are not much more "kind" to my body....i mean i totally do not want to go down that path again of behavior substitution and i know when i wake up in the morning (if i ever fall asleep!) im going to think i was crazy for even being tempted, but i am tempted. I havent had these urges in so long and part of me just likes that i have urges, but i know that part isnt me...its Ana. She wants to reel me back in anyway she can, and now that im writing this...i've come to the conclusion....I WILL NOT LET HER USE MY PRECIOUS PUPPY Ed TO PULL ME BACK!!!!! HE CANNOT BE TO BLAME FOR A RELAPSE ...ANYTHING BUT HIM. so i guess that settles what i sat down to write about....i know im worried but Ana is just grasping at straws here and using my puppy's odd and unsettling behaviour to throw me off course. well Ana, for once i figured it out before it was too late.
 |
| My heart- Ed |
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Win-Win
Things have been going well for me, and i spent the day with a girl i was in treatment with today. Ive known her since the beginning and we talked about a lot and i’ve come to some good conclusions. For those of you not as immersed in the ED world as i am, Maudsley is a form of eating disorder treatment. It is used mostly in treatment of kids or adolescents because total control of weight and food management is given to the parents. I know lots of you reading may be thinking that SUCKS! and at first it totally does. I mean i remember my first day when the food was given to me and i had no choice as to what it was….lets just say not fun. But im not gona really talk about whether Maudsley is good or bad, because for me it was good but not everybody i know has had the same experience. However, I have realized how little responsibility i hold in my recovery....this probably sounds LOADED with issues but it actually is a benefit ;)
See, when you start Maudsley at such a young age, (14) and have no option in food choice or whether or not to eat it, you become accustomed to blaming somebody else, in my case, my parents. Now, please do not misunderstand, i am not saying i have any resentment for my parents...just keep reading and you will understand. See, my eating disorder would be really SUPER mad at me if one day i decided to have a super big brownie ice cream sunday, HOWEVER, if my parents had insisted i had it, it was like my ED wasnt mad at me, he was mad at my parents. This left me to feel less guilty. At least at the end of the day I could say to myself, well, if i had any choice i wouldn't have done it, but it was for them, not for me. NOT MY CHOICE.
And as the years have gone by, though i do not resent my parents in the least, in fact i adore them and am so blessed to have them, i have continued to let them take the blame for me recovering. I keep telling myself the recovery is THEIR choice, not mine. ED then isnt mad at me. Just them. I tell myself i must eat because if not THEY will have me hospitalized and tubed. THEY would make my life a living hell.
Yea Yea i know its a load of bull crap and im just lying to myself, but it has gotten me through a lot. Although therapists may say that i am failing to accept the responsibility of my recovery and health, i just cant do it yet. and believe me, my parents are more than ready for that. so its kind of a win-win situation, they get me in a "healthy" state of mind, and i dont feel QUITE as guilty because, again, its not for me, its for THEM.
See, when you start Maudsley at such a young age, (14) and have no option in food choice or whether or not to eat it, you become accustomed to blaming somebody else, in my case, my parents. Now, please do not misunderstand, i am not saying i have any resentment for my parents...just keep reading and you will understand. See, my eating disorder would be really SUPER mad at me if one day i decided to have a super big brownie ice cream sunday, HOWEVER, if my parents had insisted i had it, it was like my ED wasnt mad at me, he was mad at my parents. This left me to feel less guilty. At least at the end of the day I could say to myself, well, if i had any choice i wouldn't have done it, but it was for them, not for me. NOT MY CHOICE.
And as the years have gone by, though i do not resent my parents in the least, in fact i adore them and am so blessed to have them, i have continued to let them take the blame for me recovering. I keep telling myself the recovery is THEIR choice, not mine. ED then isnt mad at me. Just them. I tell myself i must eat because if not THEY will have me hospitalized and tubed. THEY would make my life a living hell.
Yea Yea i know its a load of bull crap and im just lying to myself, but it has gotten me through a lot. Although therapists may say that i am failing to accept the responsibility of my recovery and health, i just cant do it yet. and believe me, my parents are more than ready for that. so its kind of a win-win situation, they get me in a "healthy" state of mind, and i dont feel QUITE as guilty because, again, its not for me, its for THEM.
Recovery?
n Fighting Anorexia, Recovery Is Elusive
By ABBY ELLIN
Published: April 25, 2011
Dr. Suzanne Dooley-Hash believes that she will never fully recover from the anorexia that has plagued her since she was 15 years old.
Brendan Smialowski for The New York Times
Kathleen MacDonald, a policy assistant at the Eating Disorders Coalition in Washington, had an eating disorder for 16 years, but considers herself fully recovered.
Multimedia
For many years, she did not take laxatives constantly to lose weight, as she did in the mid-1980s, and her health was “relatively O.K.” Thoughts about her weight did not occupy every second of every minute of every day.
But in 2005 she relapsed, losing one-third of her body weight in six months. She took off 19 months from her job as an emergency room physician at the University of Michigan Medical School in Ann Arbor to devote herself to getting her life back in order.
Like many patients with eating disorders, however, she is not sure what recovery means.
“Does it mean ‘functional?’ ” asked Dr. Dooley-Hash, 45. “I’m a physician at a really high-powered institution, and I’ve published in well-respected journals — I’m functional. I don’t think functionality is necessarily a good measure.”
Dr. Dooley-Hash is not alone in her confusion. Most medical experts agree that a third of people with the disorder will remain chronically ill, a third will die of their disorder, and a third will recover — with one significant caveat. There is surprisingly little agreement as to what “recovery” means for people with anorexia.
Indeed, just a handful of studies on long-term recovery rates have been conducted over the last decade or so, and different parameters were used in each one.
“Without consistency, it’s hard to compare across studies,” said Dr. Michael Strober, a professor of eating disorders and psychiatry at the University of California, Los Angeles. “You just have to know how recovery is defined in each study to have a balanced interpretation.”
It is difficult to define recovery from an illness that has both physical and mental dimensions.
If, for example, a patient reaches “normal weight” — which researchers define as either 85 or 95 percent of a person’s ideal weight — and starts menstruating again, she would be considered to have recovered in most studies.
But what if she still weighs herself daily, monitors her calories with a vengeance and obsesses about food and the size of her ankles? Or, as is often the case, moves from anorexia to bulimia or binge-eating disorder?
“About 50 percent of people with anorexia will be able to reach and maintain a normal weight, but most of them are very preoccupied with the calorie content of food,” said Dr. Katharine Halmi, professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College in New York City.
Still, she added: “Many people who’ve never had anorexia watch their diet carefully. So the big issue is, how do you define recovery? Maintaining a normal weight, recurrence of menstruation is easy to document. Mental status is a different problem.”
With that in mind, many with anorexia prefer to view recovery as many alcoholics do — the disease may be in remission, but the potential for relapse always lurks in the background.
“Some people find comfort in saying ‘recovering’ so they don’t have to be responsible for being recovered, which means ‘I will never relapse,’ ” said Aimee Liu, 57, author of “Restoring Our Bodies, Reclaiming Our Lives.” Others, she said, liken their eating disorder to managing a chronic illness like diabetes, requiring constant vigilance.
“I say to patients, ‘This is your Achilles’ heel,’ ” said Dr. Daniel Le Grange, an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Chicago and director of the eating disorders program at the University of Chicago Medical Center. “If you have another crisis, you’re predisposed to resorting to starvation as your way of managing that issue. It would be foolish of us as clinicians not to prepare our patients that they should be on the lookout for a recurrence.”
Most doctors believe recovery from anorexia is rarely absolute and more often occurs by degrees. While patients may get better, aspects of their disease will continue to nag at them.
“The literature suggests you can have physical recovery from the weight loss, but the cognitive symptoms might not continue to get better,” said Dr. Kamryn T. Eddy, a psychologist at Massachusetts General Hospital. “They definitely do improve, but one of the things we wonder is, how well does one have to be to be ‘recovered’? And how well does one actually get?”
In the absence of expert consensus, patients and caregivers have come up with their own definitions of recovery.
Harriet Brown, author of the recently released “Brave Girl Eating,” a memoir of her 14-year-old daughter’s bout with anorexia, defines it as “absolutely ordinary relations with food.”
And what exactly is ordinary? “That thinking about food does not consume large quantities of your time and energy,” she said in an interview. “You enjoy food, you don’t undereat or overeat often, you don’t meet any of the diagnostic criteria for anorexia. Your weight is in a healthy range for you. And most of all, you’re able to live life in a way that’s not completely organized around food and eating.”
For Ms. Liu, recovery is a “full restoration of nutritional, physical, emotional and psychological health.” But in a telephone conversation, Ms. Liu, who was actively anorexic from age 13 to 20, acknowledged that without good treatment many people spend years in what she called the “half life” of anorexia.
“They recover nutritionally and suspend the behaviors of starving, bingeing and purging,” said Ms. Liu, who suffered a relapse 11 years ago. “But the self-criticism, self-abuse, perfectionism, judgmentalism and restrictive mind-set persist.”
Still, both doctors and patients emphasize the importance of believing that full recovery is an option.
Kathleen MacDonald, a policy assistant at the Eating Disorders Coalition in Washington, was anorexic and then bulimic for 16 years, but considers herself fully recovered since 2004.
“People always said once you have an eating disorder, you’re always going to have an eating disorder,” she said. “I tell people, ‘There was a time in your life when you didn’t have an eating disorder, and if that’s possible, anything is.’ ”
For Dr. Dooley-Hash, the future feels a little murkier.
“I feel like I can’t ever be off guard,” she said. “The next time I’m overwhelmed and stressed, my first instinct is going to go back to restricting. I think I would be naïve to think it would ever not be a part of my life.”
Are Celebs making EDs ok???
Experts: Dramatic Celebrity Weight Loss for Film Roles Can Trigger Eating Disorders, Body Issues
Published February 23, 2011
| FoxNews.com
AP/Paramount
Natalie Portman and Christian Bale both lost significant amounts of weight in roles that have already won them Golden Globe Awards.
Natalie Portman delivered a highly-acclaimed performance as a professional ballerina crumbling under pressure in Darren Aronofsky’s psychological thriller “Black Swan.” But while her performance has made her an Oscar frontrunner, the discussion of her grueling diet and dramatic weight loss has become an even bigger topic of scrutiny.
After losing 20 pounds from her already thin frame, the 29-year-old’s on-set picture has been posted in numerous “thinspiration” sites – but she isn’t the first, and nor will she be the last to undergo drastic weight loss for a role.
Beyonce famously shed 20 pounds by drinking nothing but maple syrup and lemon juice for weeks for her part in “Dream Girls,” Megan Fox “stopped eating” to lose ten pounds for “Jennifer’s Body,” and Jennifer Hudson has managed to drop 56 pounds to play Winnie Mandela, before going on to lose a total of 80 pounds from her frame.
The focus on celebrities losing weight for the sake of their craft begs the question: Will their thin frames serve as a catalyst for eating disorders and a distorted perception of healthy body image to those watching in the outside world?
“Movie roles can indeed induce eating disorders. Actors, understandably, must morph for certain demands of the role,” Los Angeles-based psychologist, Dr. Nancy B. Irwin told FOX411’s Pop Tarts. “It can be done with extreme diligence and care of the body, but a proper mindset, medical doctor, nutritionist and psychologist or psychiatrist’s guidance is often needed.”
Portman has said that she condensed her portion sizes in addition to a daily exercise regimen of 5-8 hours of ballet training, cross-training, toning and swimming. So dramatic was her weight loss that, at one point, Aronofsky ordered that her trailer be filled with food to ensure she was eating.
Furthermore, entertainment reporter and media expert Lanae Brody also believes that movie roles such as Portman’s can often lead female viewers into developing a dangerous fascination with extreme weight loss.
“Women are fascinated by Hollywood now more so than ever. Young girls admire these women and aspire to be like them and celebrities tend to forget who their audience is and how much they actually are being looked up to by these young women,” Brody explained. “
“I think there is more behind an eating disorder than what Natalie Portman or Mila Kunis do to lose 20 lbs. for a movie role, but, when it's talked about over and over again in the media, young girls do listen and start to think ‘Hmm, can I do that? I would look so great if I was 20 lbs. thinner.’ People need to remember that this is their job and they're being paid to look a certain way, healthy or not.”
But it is hardly just women who suffer from the issue and many of today's biggest male stars have shed weight for a role. Christian Bale, also considered the likely Oscar contender for Best Supporting Actor, dropped significant weight to play crack-addict Dicky Eklund. Robert DeNiro, 50 Cent and Matt Damon have also undergone dramatic weight loss for roles.
According to the National Association of Anorexia and Associated Disorders, while seven to ten million women suffer from eating disorders, nearly one million men suffer from eating disorders in the United States as well. And although no direct studies have been conducted on movies themselves, “media” as a whole is believed to be a prominent cause.
“Celebrities are selected from a crop of impossibly thin people to begin with and then they are sometimes encouraged to lose even more weight. Meanwhile, the young girl consumes media featuring these impossibly thin actresses which is interrupted with commercials featuring slow motion pictures of junk food consumption. I feel sorry for young girls in this mixed up culture,” said Pop Culture commentator, Mark Joseph. “Ironically the more weight we collectively gain in our culture the more we seem to see actresses who are impossibly thin. As a culture we want to see our stars attain what we are unable to and that makes the incredibly skinny actress increasingly cool, some might even say a trend-setter.”
Nonetheless, he doesn’t believe that Hollywood actresses themselves should be held responsible for potentially igniting eating issues among impressionable audiences, and said when in doubt “blame the producers and the consumers of media who demand it.”
Deidre Behar contributed to this report.
Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2011/02/23/experts-dramatic-celebrity-weight-loss-film-roles-trigger-eating-disorders-body/#ixzz1So8hCUU3
