This really isnt as depressing as it sounds. I mean i am feeling sort of alone, but like im not sad about it because I think it may be a figure of imagination.. (is that the right term?) So they say people with eating disorders, or at least anorexia are hypersensitive to others emotions. Like you may be feeling totally fine but just tired, but i would tend to assume that its personal. you must be mad at me. you must be annoyed with me. I must have done something. or if i didnt, then at least, the VERY least you are upset about something that you dont want to talk about. So like i have been told about this characteristic of anorexics in therapy, and been told i possess this. Yet i mean its like fighting an oger to go against my instincts. my instincts are the oger. to go against my instincts is so hard. its like all the information im getting from the other person is telling me that they are upset or mad or annoyed and they just dont want me to know. And i can kinda tell when im doing this. but like its like my wise mind is telling me all the signs are there that this person is mad at you, wants you to go away, is annoyed with you, so i should just leave them alone. I feel like the person reading this is prob getting really confused, sorry, i am just not so clear on it all myself so its hard to talk about. I guess to sum up the idea: I tend to read into people's affect. If it is minutely not cheerful i assume they are mad or upset or annoyed or something negative. I read into their emotions too deeply.
And like so this tends to drive people away, but how do i know when i am totally overreacting? or just merely reacting to an obvious affect? i really dont know. i mean i can ask them i know. but how the heck am i supposed know if they are telling me the truth? like if i were mad and annoyed idk if i would be honest? ughhhh i just feel so confused. And the problem is that when i feel like somebody is annoyed or mad at me i tend just back off. give them the cold shoulder..give them space. i guess its just i dont want to be where i am not wanted..ya know? but it sucks. because sometimes these are my closest friends i do this with and il end up losing them over soemthing that i am being stupid about.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
All or Nothing
So for a while I thought all or nothing thinking could only apply to food, exercising, and weight. I mean i understood and could recognize all of those. But lately I recognized it in a diff part of my life, and its truly really problematic. It's been creating problems for a while but i never really realized what the issue was. So I mean i've always been the girl who is either in a serious relationship, or none at all. I really dont have many guy friends, and those that are friends, really quickly end up being my boyfriend or i dont talk to them anymore. as you're reading this you probably are thinking how could you not realize that this is totally all or nothing...but i've been this way for so long that i really never thought of it as a problem. Like i never saw the point in having guy friends. Like idk, i guess that i figured if i like them as a friend, they wouldn't be a bad boyfriend. Not only does this keep me from making guy friends, but it also tends to get me into serious relationships that would've been better as just friendships, but I didnt really make the distinction. I see friendship with guys as the grey area that im not really comfortable with. And then, the part that is even more problematic, is the idea that I can't just "talk" to a guy, or like take things slow. If i like somebody, i am very quick to jump into a serious commitment. I dont like the area, the grey area where there is no official title. Like it leaves for room for ambiguity...and i feel like if there is no actual commitment, then im bound to get hurt. I mean i keep telling myself that i wont jump in too quickly. I'll wait. I'll play hard to get. I'll be careful and not wear my heart on my sleeve. But i totally feel like i cant help it. I physically do not know how not to get attached. I dont want to be attached. I dont want to fall so quickly so hard for some guy that prob will just end up hurting me? often because they are weirded out that im interested so seriously so quickly. I feel like im doomed. I dont know how to take things slow and its really sabatoging my relationships. Its like the only times i have been able to take things slow and not be heart-broken, are the times when i really wasnt into the guy enough to care. I was able to take it slow because i didnt even know if i wanted it to begin with.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
to melt or to not
So not tooo much to say. im on a short break from school and am at home for a little while. It's nice to be home, however idk its kinda weird. Like a few weeks ago my weight went low....like pretty considerably lower than it should be, and i have gained most back but i dont think its all of it. However, in that time i also started eating meat again and due to the weight loss my eating has changed a little. Like i know my metabolism is kinda on overdrive but i feel like it should be done by now! I am so much more hungry than i used to be and i dont like it. I keep thinking like i JUST ate, why would my body want more food???? And i guess ive dealt with it by rationalizing that i screwed up my body and it pretty much deserves the food at this point, however. although i know they probably aren't judging me, i feel like my family is thinking "why is she eating all of this??" like i know its more than normal but its kind of become what has to be my normal. And again, im sure they prob arent noticing much of a difference, but i cant help but be self conscious about it. Do they think im gona get fat??? I DO....do they think im being a bad anorexic???? I DO....do they wonder if im ready to give up my eating disorder for good??? I'M NOT. I mean yes i want to move towards recovery, but im not ready to dive in head first.
so this leads me to the cause of my title. melt. its my favorite restaraunt. pretty much i love it because they make the best grilled cheese (huge fear food but somehow i still love it) it was the best place for me when i was vegetarian because i could get a great grilled cheese, and although i am eating some meat now, i still love the restaurant. Yet, as i mentioned, its a huge fear food. I feel so weak for wanting it. So i mean i was going to go with a friend tomorrow, and for some reason if i go with somebody else, i feel like it makes it justified because i tell Ana that people would wonder if i went and didnt eat it, im only eating it to appear not to have an eating disorder. but then my friend now cant go. So, i was all excited (guilt, like huge amount that im embarrassed to even write this.) and now shes not going. So i mean i still could go and get it to-go. Its not far or anything, but i feel like i need an excuse to go and tomorrow i do not have one! If i went, it would be totally me eating it on my own because I want it. This may sound crazy but there is such a huge difference and i dont know if i can make myself do that. I even suggested that my mom go with me and we would eat together, but she doesnt really feel like it. I know i shouldnt have to rely on other people to justify eating my favorite meal....but i do. I am sure if or when she reads this she will want to go to melt, but i couldnt say to her that i need you to eat this so i can. That just sounds fucking selfish. But eating disorders are..arent they? But technically that wouldnt be my eating disorder, that would be recovery? is recovery even more selfish?
so im gona keep trying somebody to go with to melt for lunch tomorrow, but if not i really dont know what i will do. its like a war to melt, or to not, that is the question! Ana is like you dont have to eat that fattening of a lunch...you could and SHOULD eat something better, if anything at all (which i will.) And this just kinda brings up something that i realized...i have no idea what the difference in calories is between my melt lunch and a lunch i would get at the mall. YET, because i like the melt one more, i automatically feel more guilty and assume it has more calories than the mall meal. This is a common theme for me. Its like i assume that my body only craves things i shouldnt let it have..though i really have not proof. hmmmm i really dont know where im going with this because im not able to reach a conclusion but thats whats going on tn....post again soon!
so this leads me to the cause of my title. melt. its my favorite restaraunt. pretty much i love it because they make the best grilled cheese (huge fear food but somehow i still love it) it was the best place for me when i was vegetarian because i could get a great grilled cheese, and although i am eating some meat now, i still love the restaurant. Yet, as i mentioned, its a huge fear food. I feel so weak for wanting it. So i mean i was going to go with a friend tomorrow, and for some reason if i go with somebody else, i feel like it makes it justified because i tell Ana that people would wonder if i went and didnt eat it, im only eating it to appear not to have an eating disorder. but then my friend now cant go. So, i was all excited (guilt, like huge amount that im embarrassed to even write this.) and now shes not going. So i mean i still could go and get it to-go. Its not far or anything, but i feel like i need an excuse to go and tomorrow i do not have one! If i went, it would be totally me eating it on my own because I want it. This may sound crazy but there is such a huge difference and i dont know if i can make myself do that. I even suggested that my mom go with me and we would eat together, but she doesnt really feel like it. I know i shouldnt have to rely on other people to justify eating my favorite meal....but i do. I am sure if or when she reads this she will want to go to melt, but i couldnt say to her that i need you to eat this so i can. That just sounds fucking selfish. But eating disorders are..arent they? But technically that wouldnt be my eating disorder, that would be recovery? is recovery even more selfish?
so im gona keep trying somebody to go with to melt for lunch tomorrow, but if not i really dont know what i will do. its like a war to melt, or to not, that is the question! Ana is like you dont have to eat that fattening of a lunch...you could and SHOULD eat something better, if anything at all (which i will.) And this just kinda brings up something that i realized...i have no idea what the difference in calories is between my melt lunch and a lunch i would get at the mall. YET, because i like the melt one more, i automatically feel more guilty and assume it has more calories than the mall meal. This is a common theme for me. Its like i assume that my body only craves things i shouldnt let it have..though i really have not proof. hmmmm i really dont know where im going with this because im not able to reach a conclusion but thats whats going on tn....post again soon!
Paris
Paris. thats all i want right now. pretty much, i mean besides being skinnier hahaa but aren't Parisian women supposed to be skinny? hahah totalllllyyyyy kidding. But not about Paris. So i was there over spring break for a week last year, and as i am fluent in french i was in heaven. Believe it or not, i fell in love with french crepes with nutella and banana! of course i felt a little guilty with my love for them, but i mean i kind of got over it seeing that being in europe you walk like wayyyy over the normal american so i figured it all evened out ha.
Well so im in college and a bunch of people i know are studying abroad or going on immersion trips. I guess for a while this was kind of totally out of the question so i didnt even bother asking. But as i found out that my sorority sister is going to study in france next semester, i didnt expect to feel SOOOO JEALOUS. Like i cant help but think, THAT SHOULD BE ME.
im the one who has taken french and loves it so much! But its not me. Because she probably will go to france and adore the food and get as much as she can and not feel guilty...she will go and not worry about whether or not they have zumba somehwere i can do it every night....she will not have to find somebody to weigh her every week to make sure she doesnt lose any weight....she will not be leaving behind a family that she is totally reliant on and that would be worried sick probably most of the time....she wont have to worry about relapsing and having to leave the program early to come back to the states and be admitted to ip again. No, she wont have to worry about any of that....but i would love not to either. i think??
I feel like people will say that if i got to go to france, staying there should be enough motivation to stay healthy and not relapse..and i would LOVE to say that i totally agree and it most def would....however, in my totally wise mind, i hate to admit it, but i could kinda seeing it go the other way. Like what if i get to france and instead of thinking o ill have to go home if i get too sick, i think well nobody here will be worried about my weight and my parents cant see much over skype so they would never know how much weight i lose...i mean honestly based on my history, thats the more likely occurrence.
So i mean any normal person would be able to realize that studying abroad is a bad idea and i really shouldnt, however i cant help but think Im only in college once and studying abroad won't always be an opportunity, i would hate to miss it and most definitely regret it. So how am i supposed to reconcile that? How am i supposed to get rid of the shame of having taken the time and passion to learn and succeed in the language and then letting Ana stop me from truly experiencing it? I really dont know how i would live with myself. Like i know that if i am to ever fully recover, which idk if i even believe in that, but for arguments sake if i did, i would most definitely regret not doing it. I feel like i would think why did i just not recover fully then and not miss the opportunity....
i know that its not necessarily a choice to like "just recover" and i mean at least i know that now, but maybe i wont think that later in life? what if i get to recovery and cannot understand at all why this was so hard for me ??? I imagine it kinda like the movie "Baby Geniuses." In the movie, the babies speak baby talk up till a point, but then once they "cross over" and speak adult, then they can no longer understand or relate to their friends. What if its like that? What if i "cross over" to recovery and cannot at all understand my anorexia anymore and the difficulty of recovery? (understatement)
sooo that being said, im leaning towards a month program in paris....idk if that is a happy medium but i think it would be good. i mean i dont think i can get tooooo sick in a month and i feel like if i knew i would be home in a month, the freedom and distance wouldnt go to my head too much. I mean i still feel like its a failure not to go for a whole semester. But i kinda feel like that is still not even an option..
Well so im in college and a bunch of people i know are studying abroad or going on immersion trips. I guess for a while this was kind of totally out of the question so i didnt even bother asking. But as i found out that my sorority sister is going to study in france next semester, i didnt expect to feel SOOOO JEALOUS. Like i cant help but think, THAT SHOULD BE ME.
im the one who has taken french and loves it so much! But its not me. Because she probably will go to france and adore the food and get as much as she can and not feel guilty...she will go and not worry about whether or not they have zumba somehwere i can do it every night....she will not have to find somebody to weigh her every week to make sure she doesnt lose any weight....she will not be leaving behind a family that she is totally reliant on and that would be worried sick probably most of the time....she wont have to worry about relapsing and having to leave the program early to come back to the states and be admitted to ip again. No, she wont have to worry about any of that....but i would love not to either. i think??
I feel like people will say that if i got to go to france, staying there should be enough motivation to stay healthy and not relapse..and i would LOVE to say that i totally agree and it most def would....however, in my totally wise mind, i hate to admit it, but i could kinda seeing it go the other way. Like what if i get to france and instead of thinking o ill have to go home if i get too sick, i think well nobody here will be worried about my weight and my parents cant see much over skype so they would never know how much weight i lose...i mean honestly based on my history, thats the more likely occurrence.
So i mean any normal person would be able to realize that studying abroad is a bad idea and i really shouldnt, however i cant help but think Im only in college once and studying abroad won't always be an opportunity, i would hate to miss it and most definitely regret it. So how am i supposed to reconcile that? How am i supposed to get rid of the shame of having taken the time and passion to learn and succeed in the language and then letting Ana stop me from truly experiencing it? I really dont know how i would live with myself. Like i know that if i am to ever fully recover, which idk if i even believe in that, but for arguments sake if i did, i would most definitely regret not doing it. I feel like i would think why did i just not recover fully then and not miss the opportunity....
i know that its not necessarily a choice to like "just recover" and i mean at least i know that now, but maybe i wont think that later in life? what if i get to recovery and cannot understand at all why this was so hard for me ??? I imagine it kinda like the movie "Baby Geniuses." In the movie, the babies speak baby talk up till a point, but then once they "cross over" and speak adult, then they can no longer understand or relate to their friends. What if its like that? What if i "cross over" to recovery and cannot at all understand my anorexia anymore and the difficulty of recovery? (understatement)
sooo that being said, im leaning towards a month program in paris....idk if that is a happy medium but i think it would be good. i mean i dont think i can get tooooo sick in a month and i feel like if i knew i would be home in a month, the freedom and distance wouldnt go to my head too much. I mean i still feel like its a failure not to go for a whole semester. But i kinda feel like that is still not even an option..
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Body building
So i haven't written in a while but i wanted to post about something that has been on my mind and present in my life lately, and i feel like perhaps writing about it may give me some sort of clarity. so somebody very close to me has taken an interest, or i mean "obsession" may be biased but its borderline between the two. in body building. I mean there is a lot of debate i know in the ed community about this sport. where do i begin?
-people are being judged on their appearance.
-people are being judged on how well they can manipulate their body.
-people are being forced to use steroids to win the competition.
-people are expected to have almost no fat on their bodies.
-people are being rewarded for an addiction to looking "good" and looking a certain way
i mean i dont know about anybody else but this sounds freakishly similar to something people call AN EATING DISORDER. i feel like i want to scream. like how the hell are people socially allowed to do this, well not even socially allowed but socially encouraged!!! I mean when i obsessed about my body i was told i was mentally ill....anybody ELSE see a double standard here. lets just look at this. this is what people define characteristics as anorexia. (A MENTAL DISORDER)
-obsession with weight and calories (to have no fat on bodies)
-want to have the same appearance as the stick thin models in magazines (judged by appearance)
-not eating to change their weight and appearance (manipulation)
-often anorexics take diet pills in order to attain this, or more dangerous things like ipecac (steroid use)
-HOWEVER, I WAS NOT REWARDED FOR HAVING ANOREXIA, MORE LIKE PENALIZED
so if you didnt catch on yett...the blue in parentheses is the equivalent in body building....awfully similar if you ask me......or a tonnn of other people.
I mean i guess what bothers me the most is how on Somethingfishy.com i ready that many eating disorder professionals recognize Bigorexia, as the opposite of Anorexia, i mean i know that Bigorexia involves obsession with food as well and that it interfere with your life...but idk doesnt it seem like if your goal is to win the competition..hmmm maybe its TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE???? i mean that seems even worse than interfering. Yet, it also said that there are few, if any medical professionals that will diagnose Bigorexia.
I know im totally ranting but im actually realizing that i clearly have some anger about this. not necessarily with this person that i know that is involved in body building, but with the ignorance of people. the idea that its ok to manipulate your body to be all muscle and look totally abnormal and to take steroids to change your body even more than obsessive exercise and protein shakes would do and its ok, its actually all ok! In fact, we watch these people on TV. we watch them compete in a sport. On that note, a very good friend and i were talking about this today. She's in a similar situation as i am and i wanted some feedback from her. (note: she pretty much could finish my sentences. we agreed that much) and she said something verrrryyyyy interesting. In pretty much every single other sport, the team or individual is judged on their performance and talent. yet, this sport of bodybuilding is NOT judging people based on talent or performance, unless you count how well they can manipulate their bodies, but if so then i win that one ha. hahahaha. i mean bodybuilding you are judged and win based on how you look. I mean i cant even comprehend why this is a "sport" it is nothing like any other sport. The only aspect of it that is "sport-like" would be the aspect of competition, yet, there is plenty of competition in the ed world....might as well make anorexia the next up and coming sport.!!!! (I hope you hear my sarcasm)
well i mean i think ive said enough, i guess i had a lot to say and clearly have a lot of emotion behind it all. I will probably try and post on this again after some reflection and therapy hahaha so night to all. i know ill sleep better having gotten that off my chest
-people are being judged on their appearance.
-people are being judged on how well they can manipulate their body.
-people are being forced to use steroids to win the competition.
-people are expected to have almost no fat on their bodies.
-people are being rewarded for an addiction to looking "good" and looking a certain way
i mean i dont know about anybody else but this sounds freakishly similar to something people call AN EATING DISORDER. i feel like i want to scream. like how the hell are people socially allowed to do this, well not even socially allowed but socially encouraged!!! I mean when i obsessed about my body i was told i was mentally ill....anybody ELSE see a double standard here. lets just look at this. this is what people define characteristics as anorexia. (A MENTAL DISORDER)
-obsession with weight and calories (to have no fat on bodies)
-want to have the same appearance as the stick thin models in magazines (judged by appearance)
-not eating to change their weight and appearance (manipulation)
-often anorexics take diet pills in order to attain this, or more dangerous things like ipecac (steroid use)
-HOWEVER, I WAS NOT REWARDED FOR HAVING ANOREXIA, MORE LIKE PENALIZED
so if you didnt catch on yett...the blue in parentheses is the equivalent in body building....awfully similar if you ask me......or a tonnn of other people.
I mean i guess what bothers me the most is how on Somethingfishy.com i ready that many eating disorder professionals recognize Bigorexia, as the opposite of Anorexia, i mean i know that Bigorexia involves obsession with food as well and that it interfere with your life...but idk doesnt it seem like if your goal is to win the competition..hmmm maybe its TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE???? i mean that seems even worse than interfering. Yet, it also said that there are few, if any medical professionals that will diagnose Bigorexia.
I know im totally ranting but im actually realizing that i clearly have some anger about this. not necessarily with this person that i know that is involved in body building, but with the ignorance of people. the idea that its ok to manipulate your body to be all muscle and look totally abnormal and to take steroids to change your body even more than obsessive exercise and protein shakes would do and its ok, its actually all ok! In fact, we watch these people on TV. we watch them compete in a sport. On that note, a very good friend and i were talking about this today. She's in a similar situation as i am and i wanted some feedback from her. (note: she pretty much could finish my sentences. we agreed that much) and she said something verrrryyyyy interesting. In pretty much every single other sport, the team or individual is judged on their performance and talent. yet, this sport of bodybuilding is NOT judging people based on talent or performance, unless you count how well they can manipulate their bodies, but if so then i win that one ha. hahahaha. i mean bodybuilding you are judged and win based on how you look. I mean i cant even comprehend why this is a "sport" it is nothing like any other sport. The only aspect of it that is "sport-like" would be the aspect of competition, yet, there is plenty of competition in the ed world....might as well make anorexia the next up and coming sport.!!!! (I hope you hear my sarcasm)
well i mean i think ive said enough, i guess i had a lot to say and clearly have a lot of emotion behind it all. I will probably try and post on this again after some reflection and therapy hahaha so night to all. i know ill sleep better having gotten that off my chest
Saturday, August 20, 2011
You know who you are ;)
So a good friend, a super important and special person to me is having a bitch of a time with Ana. She has a blog and i read it avidly just to keep a check on her and see how i can help. We live pretty far apart and texting doesnt always convey everything i want to tell her so when i read her latest post i thought i would dedicate this post to her. She needs to hear all i have to say, and i think it is a lesson that can help a lot of people. so hear it goes!
Darling, being responsible for yourself is the hardest thing ever! I truly dont think there is any way to completely be ok with being responsible for your own eating and actions and decisions about food. I think you grew up in Maudsley like me?? For so long there was absolutely no choice in what we ate. it was not even an option and therefore we didnt feel AS guilty because it wasnt OUR choice. I remember sitting in the windowless room in the hospital and listening to another girl who was farther along in her recovery than i was, talk about how she was so scared to go get her snack when her mom forgot. She would have totally eaten it if her mom got it, but because her mom forgot... she didnt HAVE to eat it and then the guilt creeps up. Its like if we can get Ana to blame somebody but us, it takes the burden off of us. The anger isnt towards us..its towards them! I never ever thought i would be able to remind my mom, i mean for God's sake, i was still hiding food in unmentionable places to get rid of crumbs of calories!! There was no effing was i was going to remind my mom i needed a snack!!! However, what i have seen is that the relying on people for a while is NOT A BAD THING. i did it for about the first three years of my in and out of treatment. My parents prepared the meals. decided what i ate. measured. weighed. and Ana wasnt mad at me so it was somewhat bearable. I dont know how it changes, its a subconcious process. the only thing i can explain it like is that the more you go through the motions of eating, the less weird it becomes. It doesnt matter that its for somebody else or because somebody else is making you, its like youre training yourself the whole time to do it on your own. it just happens. Its like one day your mom is waiting till 3:15 for you pm snack but at 3 you feel yourself hungry...its like youll realize that youre gona eat anyways, why not just get it on your own when you actually feel the need for it???!!! now i know dear, this sounds foreign but what i am trying to tell you is that you shouldnt feel guilty at all for relying on other people. HOWEVER, they MUST know that you are relying on them. You need to be very forward and say "mom dad, i am at a point where i will eat but i need you to remind me and tell me that i need to. explain the guilt piece to them. tell them that its ok if they tell you to eat but you just cant do it on your own...YET (key word=yet) I mean there is no shame in saying what you need, which is accountability. That was actually a skill at my last treatment center, not a weakness...a skill!!!! And i promise you, that the more you get into the habit of eating, slowly you will realize that if you dont make yourself do it...somebody will!!! your mom, dad, or a treatment center! through force or a tube!!! so im not saying you have to take responsiblity today, but take responsiblity and ask for their support and accountability. its what you need and shouldnt be ashamed. It shows how far you have come that you WANT them to tell you to eat!! and honestly...the rest will come my dear!
Darling, being responsible for yourself is the hardest thing ever! I truly dont think there is any way to completely be ok with being responsible for your own eating and actions and decisions about food. I think you grew up in Maudsley like me?? For so long there was absolutely no choice in what we ate. it was not even an option and therefore we didnt feel AS guilty because it wasnt OUR choice. I remember sitting in the windowless room in the hospital and listening to another girl who was farther along in her recovery than i was, talk about how she was so scared to go get her snack when her mom forgot. She would have totally eaten it if her mom got it, but because her mom forgot... she didnt HAVE to eat it and then the guilt creeps up. Its like if we can get Ana to blame somebody but us, it takes the burden off of us. The anger isnt towards us..its towards them! I never ever thought i would be able to remind my mom, i mean for God's sake, i was still hiding food in unmentionable places to get rid of crumbs of calories!! There was no effing was i was going to remind my mom i needed a snack!!! However, what i have seen is that the relying on people for a while is NOT A BAD THING. i did it for about the first three years of my in and out of treatment. My parents prepared the meals. decided what i ate. measured. weighed. and Ana wasnt mad at me so it was somewhat bearable. I dont know how it changes, its a subconcious process. the only thing i can explain it like is that the more you go through the motions of eating, the less weird it becomes. It doesnt matter that its for somebody else or because somebody else is making you, its like youre training yourself the whole time to do it on your own. it just happens. Its like one day your mom is waiting till 3:15 for you pm snack but at 3 you feel yourself hungry...its like youll realize that youre gona eat anyways, why not just get it on your own when you actually feel the need for it???!!! now i know dear, this sounds foreign but what i am trying to tell you is that you shouldnt feel guilty at all for relying on other people. HOWEVER, they MUST know that you are relying on them. You need to be very forward and say "mom dad, i am at a point where i will eat but i need you to remind me and tell me that i need to. explain the guilt piece to them. tell them that its ok if they tell you to eat but you just cant do it on your own...YET (key word=yet) I mean there is no shame in saying what you need, which is accountability. That was actually a skill at my last treatment center, not a weakness...a skill!!!! And i promise you, that the more you get into the habit of eating, slowly you will realize that if you dont make yourself do it...somebody will!!! your mom, dad, or a treatment center! through force or a tube!!! so im not saying you have to take responsiblity today, but take responsiblity and ask for their support and accountability. its what you need and shouldnt be ashamed. It shows how far you have come that you WANT them to tell you to eat!! and honestly...the rest will come my dear!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Help in an unexpected person.
Long time no post..i know i just have been really busy and not had a whole lot of insight as to what was going on with me. Well, i had a really good and eye opening night tonight. Ive been hanging out a lot with a girl ive been in treatment with since the beginning...like the very beginning. She is a bit younger than me, but we have gone through almost all of the same stuff and really get each other. I remember even when i first started and i wanted nothing more than to be thin and stay sick, i wanted Lola (we will call her) to get better. I wanted her to be back to her life and get out of her routine of her eating disorder. Today she is doing pretty well, but like me, Ana is still and may always be a part of her. We laugh to this day about how awful we were when we were younger...i told her she was the most difficult child i had ever seen..she laughs now! We didnt talk for a few years and i never really thought we would be this close..but we are. We have started doing fun activities together and its just really good to talk to her because since she has known me so long and gone through it all with me, she gets me. nothing i say surprises her...which is truly rare! haha
Well tonight i suggested we go out to eat, after our fun activity. Although we are really close, I still dont know how comfortable she is with eating. I mean i know she will do it, but i didnt know if this would be hard for her. I actually felt kind of guilty because i SOOOO didnt want to put her in a situation where she would feel uncomfortable or feel badly saying no and then it cause bad stuff to happen after or anything...i just really thought it would be fun to eat out together and talk but i was a little nervous. SKIPPING AHEAD it went really well. we had a lot of fun and she said it was really good that we did it together!
So heres where ill get to the interesting part, I realized how motivated i was at dinner not to worry about calories or anything and to be TOTALLLY NOT EATING DISORDERED. I guess i still feel like as much as i want to be sick, i so want her to be well. I think i feel like if im doing well, maybe being a little older she will follow in my footsteps. I want to be a role model for her. I want to set a good example. I guess its kind of a lot of pressure, but i really dont feel that way. I just feel like this is motivating me to do well myself. I've always wanted to work with eating disorders and be an advocate and although the advocacy thing is going well, i doubt ill be recovered enough to work with EDs. But i see this as an opportunity. An opportunity to change the course of Lola's life. Show her that if i can do it, maybe we can beat this together! She is so receptive to what i tell her and she knows so much about me that she knows i wouldnt bullshit her. Im going to tell her if it sucks and all but mostly i just want her to get better and to be honest, i think it wouldve helped if i had somebody to play the role im playing for her. Not that i dont have amazing role models, but somebody who still is going through it every day and knows exactly how much it sucks, who was older and maybe a bit wiser (ha maybe??) I think with all the older role models out there who are constantly dieting and bouncing between "anorexically thin" and "obese" (i say those with such sarcasm and disgust because of the way the media uses them), that having somebody real who is recovering from an eating disorder would have helped. But lets not fret over what cannot be changed..what i can do is be there for Lola. And i will be. She is helping me, as much as i am helping her.
Well tonight i suggested we go out to eat, after our fun activity. Although we are really close, I still dont know how comfortable she is with eating. I mean i know she will do it, but i didnt know if this would be hard for her. I actually felt kind of guilty because i SOOOO didnt want to put her in a situation where she would feel uncomfortable or feel badly saying no and then it cause bad stuff to happen after or anything...i just really thought it would be fun to eat out together and talk but i was a little nervous. SKIPPING AHEAD it went really well. we had a lot of fun and she said it was really good that we did it together!
So heres where ill get to the interesting part, I realized how motivated i was at dinner not to worry about calories or anything and to be TOTALLLY NOT EATING DISORDERED. I guess i still feel like as much as i want to be sick, i so want her to be well. I think i feel like if im doing well, maybe being a little older she will follow in my footsteps. I want to be a role model for her. I want to set a good example. I guess its kind of a lot of pressure, but i really dont feel that way. I just feel like this is motivating me to do well myself. I've always wanted to work with eating disorders and be an advocate and although the advocacy thing is going well, i doubt ill be recovered enough to work with EDs. But i see this as an opportunity. An opportunity to change the course of Lola's life. Show her that if i can do it, maybe we can beat this together! She is so receptive to what i tell her and she knows so much about me that she knows i wouldnt bullshit her. Im going to tell her if it sucks and all but mostly i just want her to get better and to be honest, i think it wouldve helped if i had somebody to play the role im playing for her. Not that i dont have amazing role models, but somebody who still is going through it every day and knows exactly how much it sucks, who was older and maybe a bit wiser (ha maybe??) I think with all the older role models out there who are constantly dieting and bouncing between "anorexically thin" and "obese" (i say those with such sarcasm and disgust because of the way the media uses them), that having somebody real who is recovering from an eating disorder would have helped. But lets not fret over what cannot be changed..what i can do is be there for Lola. And i will be. She is helping me, as much as i am helping her.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Linger-ers.
So a good friend of mine (you know who you are ;) ) gave me an idea to make a list of all the ways in which I am still actively using my eating disorder. They may seem insignificant, and thats what i even tell myself, however i do know that it is still fueling Ana. I usually will not post triggering things but i really want to be honest with myself and put it all out there. bc i think they say acceptance is the first step..here it goes.
* I have a number in my head, 1XX calories that is a number that i consider that max number of calories a food can have for it not to be "bad". I wont eat two "bad" foods in one meal. It doesnt prevent me from eating the food, but i usually will work around that "bad" food for the rest of the day with "good" foods.
*I will NOT eat oreo cakesters. there is a long story behind this but i think i would cry if i had to eat them.
*Every morning when i pour my cereal it HAS to be in the same blue bowl. i know exactly how much i need IN THAT BOWL. it avoids measuring. however, i am rarely satisfied with what i pour. I often end up putting some back, for fear of "overeating"
*I wont let myself have regular cheese more than once a day. I can have the light stuff, but the full fat stuff is limited to once a day
*The night before my weigh-in i am very semi-restrictive. I dont mean i am not eating, but i am very aware. Like tonight i went out to dinner and had a mushroom burger and fries...(normal) and we had frozen yogurt...i got the toppings i like, but the idea of eating the whole thing made me feel like a failure and sure way to be out of my weight range. i didnt finish it.
*I have to get weighed in the morning. BEcause i will not eat ANYTHING before i am weighed. Sometimes i am so weak from not eating that morning that i am dizzy but it seems ok to me because i am just trying to give an accurate weight.
*I get excited to get weighed because i know then if i succeeded at staying in my range this week or if i failed. OBVIOUSLY i hate failing, but the high of succeeding is so good.
*I still get a sort of high from pro-ana
*Today I looked in the mirror and while body-checking, thought if i were a model they would airbrush this...and this...and this..and o deff that...
ok so im falling asleep as im writing but i will continue tomorrow with these lingering Ana traits.
* I have a number in my head, 1XX calories that is a number that i consider that max number of calories a food can have for it not to be "bad". I wont eat two "bad" foods in one meal. It doesnt prevent me from eating the food, but i usually will work around that "bad" food for the rest of the day with "good" foods.
*I will NOT eat oreo cakesters. there is a long story behind this but i think i would cry if i had to eat them.
*Every morning when i pour my cereal it HAS to be in the same blue bowl. i know exactly how much i need IN THAT BOWL. it avoids measuring. however, i am rarely satisfied with what i pour. I often end up putting some back, for fear of "overeating"
*I wont let myself have regular cheese more than once a day. I can have the light stuff, but the full fat stuff is limited to once a day
*The night before my weigh-in i am very semi-restrictive. I dont mean i am not eating, but i am very aware. Like tonight i went out to dinner and had a mushroom burger and fries...(normal) and we had frozen yogurt...i got the toppings i like, but the idea of eating the whole thing made me feel like a failure and sure way to be out of my weight range. i didnt finish it.
*I have to get weighed in the morning. BEcause i will not eat ANYTHING before i am weighed. Sometimes i am so weak from not eating that morning that i am dizzy but it seems ok to me because i am just trying to give an accurate weight.
*I get excited to get weighed because i know then if i succeeded at staying in my range this week or if i failed. OBVIOUSLY i hate failing, but the high of succeeding is so good.
*I still get a sort of high from pro-ana
*Today I looked in the mirror and while body-checking, thought if i were a model they would airbrush this...and this...and this..and o deff that...
ok so im falling asleep as im writing but i will continue tomorrow with these lingering Ana traits.
Monday, August 1, 2011
I'm a sponge.
Maybe that isnt the right title but its kinda how i've been feeling lately. Emotion wise. Like whatever is going on around me is how i feel...internalizing is what they call it i think? well i mean i know its a typical characteristic of somebody with anorexia...that they tend to be overly sensitive to others feelings and to pick up on slight changes and to internalize it. and i just have to say that i really hate it. its like today i was babysitting and the families house basement flooded (bad storm) it wasnt my fault, it wasnt even like i was home alone with the kids so it was my responsibility, it wasnt my house, it had no impact on me. HOWEVER the mood in the house was tense, as you can imagine. Everyone was running around me doing their part and although i had no reason to feel anxious or in a bad mood, i did! its really frustrating. because when i start feeling that way i totally realize i have no reason to feel that emotion..but i cannot help it!
Then there's the "absorption" of eating disorder thoughts and feelings. Its like i can totally be having a fine day, but if i know my friend is struggling, i start to feel like i should be too. Now i know you may be thinking Well Gillian you are just triggered by their behaviour... But its not that at all. I dont even have to know what they are doing or any details, it can be the most general thing that they are having a rough day. I kind of chalk it up to being that if they are struggling then I have no reason to be doing well. Its like i should be feeling their agony with them.
But ultimately, the part that i am having the most difficulty with is the "absorption" of emotions from the people i care about most. I've done this for a while but i have really started noticing it. Like if my brother is snappy and in a bad mood, either i retreat and stop talking, or i do exactly the same thing. Im not even always aware of the fact that im doing it! il just notice, all of the sudden, that im being snappy whereas ten minutes ago i was in a totally fine mood! Or if my mom is in a bad mood, i cant distance myself from that and just give space, i tend to feel the same way and get moody as well.
Ok so i dont really know where i was going with the "absorption" idea, i think, as usual, i may have gotten off track, but let me get to the point that has been really eating at me. I seem to pick up on emotions and small emotional and social cues that are normally undetectable, and sometimes non-existent. Its like either i am totally overanalyzing something and creating a problem that isnt there, or there is a small problem (VERY small like somebody is feeling tired) and i tend to make it a big deal. Its really a problem when it comes to relationships of all kinds. Like in friendships, i remember when i was little, i used to always think my friends were mad at me. I dont really know if i had any concrete evidence that they were, but even if i did, i can guaruntee it wasnt of any substance. And if i am constantly asking somebody if they are mad at me...it tends to either annoy them or make them think i dont trust them. Which is weird to me. I dont know how me thinking that they are mad at me, means i dont trust them???!!! i think it more means, (which someone astutely pointed out to me) that i dont trust myself..i mean come on..that seems much more likely!!! :) hahaha i mean i think that is totally the problem. I know i dont trust myself. I dont trust that i am worthy of friendship or being loved. I dont trust that i am special enough for either of those. I mean this isnt going to be a pitty party. its not like im some sad puppy wandering around because i dont think i deserve to be loved...its more of something that perplexes me. I dont totally understand why my friends want to be friends with me or my boyfriend is with me. I mean yes i know i have some desireable qualities, but they dont amount to too much (according to me). AGAIN, i am not trying to say i dont have any self-esteem or anything, because i do have some and i know i am a good person and all, but its just something that perplexes me sometimes. And i truly think that the confusion, has to do with the insecurities i feel in all of my relationships. Its like i dont know why they WOULDN'T want to stop being friends with me. or why they WOULDN'T be annoyed with me. It truly isnt about me not trusting them, its that i dont trust myself. I think??? im really not sure. because i truly believe that i trust my friends and boyfriend, and i know very well that i dont trust myself...so this would make sense.
but despite the fact that it makes sense, its EXTREMELY frustrating. i feel like i need constant reassurance that people still want to be my friend or my boyfriend. i want to constantly ask..."do you stilll like me? love me? want to hang out with me?" but i am learning that that eventually pushes people away. I can understand its annoying. and i know im supposed to "ask for what i need" in relationships, but i dont think this is a healthy need. I think this is something that i need to overcome. I need to put more faith in myself. Give myself the chance to trust myself, even if it could end badly. I mean there is always the chance that if i dont ask, then they will just drop me as a friend....but i guess thats a risk, whereas if i keep checking in, its inevitable. its kind of a sucky position. i dont like either option...but il go with trust.
Then there's the "absorption" of eating disorder thoughts and feelings. Its like i can totally be having a fine day, but if i know my friend is struggling, i start to feel like i should be too. Now i know you may be thinking Well Gillian you are just triggered by their behaviour... But its not that at all. I dont even have to know what they are doing or any details, it can be the most general thing that they are having a rough day. I kind of chalk it up to being that if they are struggling then I have no reason to be doing well. Its like i should be feeling their agony with them.
But ultimately, the part that i am having the most difficulty with is the "absorption" of emotions from the people i care about most. I've done this for a while but i have really started noticing it. Like if my brother is snappy and in a bad mood, either i retreat and stop talking, or i do exactly the same thing. Im not even always aware of the fact that im doing it! il just notice, all of the sudden, that im being snappy whereas ten minutes ago i was in a totally fine mood! Or if my mom is in a bad mood, i cant distance myself from that and just give space, i tend to feel the same way and get moody as well.
Ok so i dont really know where i was going with the "absorption" idea, i think, as usual, i may have gotten off track, but let me get to the point that has been really eating at me. I seem to pick up on emotions and small emotional and social cues that are normally undetectable, and sometimes non-existent. Its like either i am totally overanalyzing something and creating a problem that isnt there, or there is a small problem (VERY small like somebody is feeling tired) and i tend to make it a big deal. Its really a problem when it comes to relationships of all kinds. Like in friendships, i remember when i was little, i used to always think my friends were mad at me. I dont really know if i had any concrete evidence that they were, but even if i did, i can guaruntee it wasnt of any substance. And if i am constantly asking somebody if they are mad at me...it tends to either annoy them or make them think i dont trust them. Which is weird to me. I dont know how me thinking that they are mad at me, means i dont trust them???!!! i think it more means, (which someone astutely pointed out to me) that i dont trust myself..i mean come on..that seems much more likely!!! :) hahaha i mean i think that is totally the problem. I know i dont trust myself. I dont trust that i am worthy of friendship or being loved. I dont trust that i am special enough for either of those. I mean this isnt going to be a pitty party. its not like im some sad puppy wandering around because i dont think i deserve to be loved...its more of something that perplexes me. I dont totally understand why my friends want to be friends with me or my boyfriend is with me. I mean yes i know i have some desireable qualities, but they dont amount to too much (according to me). AGAIN, i am not trying to say i dont have any self-esteem or anything, because i do have some and i know i am a good person and all, but its just something that perplexes me sometimes. And i truly think that the confusion, has to do with the insecurities i feel in all of my relationships. Its like i dont know why they WOULDN'T want to stop being friends with me. or why they WOULDN'T be annoyed with me. It truly isnt about me not trusting them, its that i dont trust myself. I think??? im really not sure. because i truly believe that i trust my friends and boyfriend, and i know very well that i dont trust myself...so this would make sense.
but despite the fact that it makes sense, its EXTREMELY frustrating. i feel like i need constant reassurance that people still want to be my friend or my boyfriend. i want to constantly ask..."do you stilll like me? love me? want to hang out with me?" but i am learning that that eventually pushes people away. I can understand its annoying. and i know im supposed to "ask for what i need" in relationships, but i dont think this is a healthy need. I think this is something that i need to overcome. I need to put more faith in myself. Give myself the chance to trust myself, even if it could end badly. I mean there is always the chance that if i dont ask, then they will just drop me as a friend....but i guess thats a risk, whereas if i keep checking in, its inevitable. its kind of a sucky position. i dont like either option...but il go with trust.
Friday, July 29, 2011
identity
You know the feeling of wanting to be the best? Well the answer for me was to be the best at Ana. I would be the thinnest. the sickest. the most anorexically motivated. the one that always fought for Ana. And never let anything blindside me from the goal of being the best anorexic.
I remember when somebody, dont remember if it was a treatment provider or my mom, asked why i didnt focus that drive into recovery? I could be the best at recovery. For some reason that never worked for me. I really cant pinpoint why not, i mean in theory its a good idea. but its like i wanted to be the best at something that not everybody could do. I didnt think everybody had the amount of will-power that i did to be thin. to me recovery was the easy way out. the way that anybody with less will-power than me could do, so why would i want to succeed at that?
It may sound crazy but it still all makes sense to me. I totally feel the same way, thought i havent let my actions reflect it. I am going through the motions of a great recovery, but i really dont know what or who i would be without my eating disorder. Like when i meet somebody for the first time, i dont outright say "i struggle with anorexia." but i kinda feel like for them to know and get me, they will eventually need to know that. I guess it could be considered skillful, and i really doubt its gona ever change, but i am noticing that it allows Ana to still hold on to me. It allows me to keep that as my identity. Its like I cant just say "Hi im Gillian" because otherwise there is nothing special about me to remember. It may sound sad that thats what i consider special, but it is. It sets me apart from a lot of people. It allows me to be good at something, losing weight and not eating, that not everybody is. It allows me to distinguish myself from the so called normal population, and put me in the smaller (no pun intended) population of anorexics. i guess i see that as a more prestigious spot because not everybody can be there.
But since my actions cannot really mimic my feelings about anorexia anymore, ive noticed myself trying to build an identity. Most of you prob think thats great! an identity outside of Ana!! WHAT COULD BE BETTER??!! Well the thought is good, but im noticing all to many similarities between this "forming identity" and my anorexic identity. My new identity really has to do with being noticed for being stylish and classy and well dressed and fashionable and having good taste and having people be jealous of me for that instead of anorexia. yes, im embarrassed as i write this because i really shouldnt want people to be jealous of me. but i guess thats the feeling i had in my ED, I wanted people to look at me and think, wow i wish i was as thin as her!! but people dont do that anymore, if they ever did. So yea. i am seeing that both identities are based on an outward appearance. I've noticed that both identities involve being noticed for something. being the best. So like as im planning my room decorations for next year, i notice that i keep adding things. its like ill be totally happy with it today...but tomorrow i have something to make it even better!! it may sound like im just being a silly girl, but the similarity between this and my ED is interesting. its like with my weight it could ALWAYS be lower, and with my room it can ALWAYS be better. idk its just interesting.
but i guess this identity is better than my Ana one. I mean it costs more, which makes me mad. i keep thinking well being anorexic was free while im spending money to build this new identity... but i guess i just have to get over that. I mean ive tried other identities, ive tried involving in activities and that never worked. i couldnt find anything i was as passionate about. and i mean ive done the co-dependency thing with boyfriends. That did work...till that became extremely self-destructive too. I mean i still struggle with this one but the NEW identity of fashion and class is helping distract me from things. it may not be a fix all or the best or cheapest ha solution, but its getting me somewhere i think.. and anywhere is somewhere.
I remember when somebody, dont remember if it was a treatment provider or my mom, asked why i didnt focus that drive into recovery? I could be the best at recovery. For some reason that never worked for me. I really cant pinpoint why not, i mean in theory its a good idea. but its like i wanted to be the best at something that not everybody could do. I didnt think everybody had the amount of will-power that i did to be thin. to me recovery was the easy way out. the way that anybody with less will-power than me could do, so why would i want to succeed at that?
It may sound crazy but it still all makes sense to me. I totally feel the same way, thought i havent let my actions reflect it. I am going through the motions of a great recovery, but i really dont know what or who i would be without my eating disorder. Like when i meet somebody for the first time, i dont outright say "i struggle with anorexia." but i kinda feel like for them to know and get me, they will eventually need to know that. I guess it could be considered skillful, and i really doubt its gona ever change, but i am noticing that it allows Ana to still hold on to me. It allows me to keep that as my identity. Its like I cant just say "Hi im Gillian" because otherwise there is nothing special about me to remember. It may sound sad that thats what i consider special, but it is. It sets me apart from a lot of people. It allows me to be good at something, losing weight and not eating, that not everybody is. It allows me to distinguish myself from the so called normal population, and put me in the smaller (no pun intended) population of anorexics. i guess i see that as a more prestigious spot because not everybody can be there.
But since my actions cannot really mimic my feelings about anorexia anymore, ive noticed myself trying to build an identity. Most of you prob think thats great! an identity outside of Ana!! WHAT COULD BE BETTER??!! Well the thought is good, but im noticing all to many similarities between this "forming identity" and my anorexic identity. My new identity really has to do with being noticed for being stylish and classy and well dressed and fashionable and having good taste and having people be jealous of me for that instead of anorexia. yes, im embarrassed as i write this because i really shouldnt want people to be jealous of me. but i guess thats the feeling i had in my ED, I wanted people to look at me and think, wow i wish i was as thin as her!! but people dont do that anymore, if they ever did. So yea. i am seeing that both identities are based on an outward appearance. I've noticed that both identities involve being noticed for something. being the best. So like as im planning my room decorations for next year, i notice that i keep adding things. its like ill be totally happy with it today...but tomorrow i have something to make it even better!! it may sound like im just being a silly girl, but the similarity between this and my ED is interesting. its like with my weight it could ALWAYS be lower, and with my room it can ALWAYS be better. idk its just interesting.
but i guess this identity is better than my Ana one. I mean it costs more, which makes me mad. i keep thinking well being anorexic was free while im spending money to build this new identity... but i guess i just have to get over that. I mean ive tried other identities, ive tried involving in activities and that never worked. i couldnt find anything i was as passionate about. and i mean ive done the co-dependency thing with boyfriends. That did work...till that became extremely self-destructive too. I mean i still struggle with this one but the NEW identity of fashion and class is helping distract me from things. it may not be a fix all or the best or cheapest ha solution, but its getting me somewhere i think.. and anywhere is somewhere.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
just a lot of stuff
Normally i name my posts before i write them..i usually have an idea of what i wana talk about...however not so much the case this time. I guess its been a few days and in those few days i didnt THINK a lot had happened but as im sitting down and trying to decide where to begin..ha maybe i was wrong OOPS ;)
Well im home now which idk how i feel about...kinda good. i guess i was really looking forward to the trip and it went really well just really quickly. but i guess two potential topics come to mind..i guess il go with both and see where it takes me! ha
well the first topic is insecurity. yea sure im insecure about my body. i hate this i hate that...blah blah its kind of white noise now. i guess it doesnt even seem worth me discussing because 1) it wont get me anywhere whether you hear it or not, and 2) it just makes me laugh to say it outloud because nobody really wants to hear it anymore. so i keep it to myself. i may not like it but thats not the insecurity im talking about. this is the insecurity about my self worth and insecurity about why people want to be around me and care about me. Like i feel the closest people to me are those that i have met in treatment, because they do want to talk about this stuff, they do understand why i feel this way and when i talk about EDs or nutrition or media pressure it actually interests them! But lately im not really surrounded by people from treatment. Im in touch with them, but im back in a life that doesnt totally revolve around EDs, however my mind is still there. So i really dont know why somebody not as interested as me can want to be around me....SO WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS??? ha i tend to ramble and go on tangents but what i am really trying to get at is this...i always doubt the security of my relationships. No matter what relationship i've been in if i am not getting constant reassurance from the other person that they are still interested in me or still want to be with or around me...i immediately start to doubt it. crazy? yea probably lol. But its true. And God bless my therapist who is my sounding board for this crazy paranoia, but its something i cant seem to shake. And any of you who have been reading these blogs know that im blaming a lot on Ana, and i really dont know if i even believe what im about to say ha, but maybe, its true? il try you! maybe Ana doesnt want me to feel connected to people outside of treatment. She wants me to feel controlled and totally linked to that time and part of my life. Because if not...i may begin to fathom the idea that i may not need her??? crazy? idk but its like if im doubting all of my other relationships and the only ones i can rely on are my treatment people and Ana...well that kinda keeps me under her wrath. So i mean idk if i even believe that...maybe if you wanna give feedback let me know lol but its just a thought...thinking outloud here!
Second topic (bored yet??? ha) well now that i think about it im kind of going off of my first topic but its a little different. Along with not feeling secure....and because im not feeling secure i constantly plan. I plan my outfit for the next day because im afraid il wake up in the morning and have a meltdown. I plan meals...well you can guess why ha...i plan my week/day. i plan my night. i plan my workout schedule. i plan presents months in advance. i really plan everything! literally il lay in bed thinking i have this and this and this to do..and i wont fall asleep till i figure out a schedule and have it in ink. again CRAZY ha but i cant help it. I guess it gives me some sort of control in a world where i feel totally out of control. Like dont get me wrong, being out of control allows me to feel less guilty for the things i do that Ana does not want me to do (ex. eating, walking not running, following an exercise regimine to the tee...) i mean the lack of control def lets me off the guilty hook with Ana, but that doesnt let me feel any less out of control. Like idk i guess its like theres a sword at both ends. I feel like there are swords at a hundred ends. every way i turn there is a sword. and ya now i sound depressing but i guess i just feel trapped sometimes. Like im doing the motions of recovery and i know that the goals i have for my life will NEVER be achieved if i do not succeed in recovery..however part of me doesnt even know if i think i can fully recover. like maybe its just not possible for me. and they are forcing something that will never be. I am in no way giving up and i will go through these motions for a very lot longer before i throw in the towel but its just hard sometimes. To see such little progress mentally. I guess i wish i thought differently now. that Ana wasnt even a consideration. But she is. she always is. however since my loved ones have pretty much banned her from my life, i am doing the best i can without having a choice. I plan because it gives me control. and i am not in control of a whole lot right now.
PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT I AM SAYING THAT I NEED MORE CONTROL. I KNOW THIS IS WHATS BEST FOR ME AND I ACCEPT THAT. I AM MEARLY VENTING FRUSTRATION OVER A GOOD, BUT TIRING SITUATION. MY PARENTS ARE SAVING MY LIFE.
Well im home now which idk how i feel about...kinda good. i guess i was really looking forward to the trip and it went really well just really quickly. but i guess two potential topics come to mind..i guess il go with both and see where it takes me! ha
well the first topic is insecurity. yea sure im insecure about my body. i hate this i hate that...blah blah its kind of white noise now. i guess it doesnt even seem worth me discussing because 1) it wont get me anywhere whether you hear it or not, and 2) it just makes me laugh to say it outloud because nobody really wants to hear it anymore. so i keep it to myself. i may not like it but thats not the insecurity im talking about. this is the insecurity about my self worth and insecurity about why people want to be around me and care about me. Like i feel the closest people to me are those that i have met in treatment, because they do want to talk about this stuff, they do understand why i feel this way and when i talk about EDs or nutrition or media pressure it actually interests them! But lately im not really surrounded by people from treatment. Im in touch with them, but im back in a life that doesnt totally revolve around EDs, however my mind is still there. So i really dont know why somebody not as interested as me can want to be around me....SO WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS??? ha i tend to ramble and go on tangents but what i am really trying to get at is this...i always doubt the security of my relationships. No matter what relationship i've been in if i am not getting constant reassurance from the other person that they are still interested in me or still want to be with or around me...i immediately start to doubt it. crazy? yea probably lol. But its true. And God bless my therapist who is my sounding board for this crazy paranoia, but its something i cant seem to shake. And any of you who have been reading these blogs know that im blaming a lot on Ana, and i really dont know if i even believe what im about to say ha, but maybe, its true? il try you! maybe Ana doesnt want me to feel connected to people outside of treatment. She wants me to feel controlled and totally linked to that time and part of my life. Because if not...i may begin to fathom the idea that i may not need her??? crazy? idk but its like if im doubting all of my other relationships and the only ones i can rely on are my treatment people and Ana...well that kinda keeps me under her wrath. So i mean idk if i even believe that...maybe if you wanna give feedback let me know lol but its just a thought...thinking outloud here!
Second topic (bored yet??? ha) well now that i think about it im kind of going off of my first topic but its a little different. Along with not feeling secure....and because im not feeling secure i constantly plan. I plan my outfit for the next day because im afraid il wake up in the morning and have a meltdown. I plan meals...well you can guess why ha...i plan my week/day. i plan my night. i plan my workout schedule. i plan presents months in advance. i really plan everything! literally il lay in bed thinking i have this and this and this to do..and i wont fall asleep till i figure out a schedule and have it in ink. again CRAZY ha but i cant help it. I guess it gives me some sort of control in a world where i feel totally out of control. Like dont get me wrong, being out of control allows me to feel less guilty for the things i do that Ana does not want me to do (ex. eating, walking not running, following an exercise regimine to the tee...) i mean the lack of control def lets me off the guilty hook with Ana, but that doesnt let me feel any less out of control. Like idk i guess its like theres a sword at both ends. I feel like there are swords at a hundred ends. every way i turn there is a sword. and ya now i sound depressing but i guess i just feel trapped sometimes. Like im doing the motions of recovery and i know that the goals i have for my life will NEVER be achieved if i do not succeed in recovery..however part of me doesnt even know if i think i can fully recover. like maybe its just not possible for me. and they are forcing something that will never be. I am in no way giving up and i will go through these motions for a very lot longer before i throw in the towel but its just hard sometimes. To see such little progress mentally. I guess i wish i thought differently now. that Ana wasnt even a consideration. But she is. she always is. however since my loved ones have pretty much banned her from my life, i am doing the best i can without having a choice. I plan because it gives me control. and i am not in control of a whole lot right now.
PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT I AM SAYING THAT I NEED MORE CONTROL. I KNOW THIS IS WHATS BEST FOR ME AND I ACCEPT THAT. I AM MEARLY VENTING FRUSTRATION OVER A GOOD, BUT TIRING SITUATION. MY PARENTS ARE SAVING MY LIFE.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Guilt.
Today was a difficult day. just a lot of stress with a lot of family time. my brother who i love very much wasnt in a super duper mood and that kind of put a damper on my originally chipper mood. I duno why i let other peoples emotions affect me so much, its kind of a problem, but i've been told that it is a typical trait of people with anorexia...we tend to internalize other people's emotions and problems...really sucks if you ask me! ha And as i've said before my grandparents are amazing and special people but the whole day with my grandmother is just enough to send anyone bonkers. I mean i love her to death and this could sound harsh but she marvels at EVERYTHING! like the trees on the hill are "just magnificent" (they are standard trees) and her favorite tree, the weeping willow...well not like we have seen over a hundred of those, but dont bother trying to drive by one without getting a reaction haha
but that just sets the stage for how my day was going...just slightly annoyed. ED thoughts werent too bad today, my mom actually told me something that i never thought about my body but always wanted. (i wont say specifics as to trigger anybody) but it made me feel good...idk if it made *me* feel good or *Ana* feel good....cant really separate the two yet. But the moral is that it was stressful but manageable until we went shopping. Now see i LOVE to shop. clothes are my favorite but handbags and accessories and home decorations...pretty much anything i can make fun. Well we went to Forever 21 which is a pretty cheap store and i found a few things...see my grandparents usually pay when i am with them however i figured it was a small price and i would just pay myself. I liked everything a lot, but when i got to the cash register i immediately started second guessing myself. Now this is NOTHING NEW. I do this all the time. As much as i love buying new things, spending money is super hard for me. I always feel so incredibly guilty after...sometimes to the point of being sick or just returning the items. Today i really tried to rationalize with myself...use some *wise mind*...yea it was way beyond skills ha...sadly. i felt so sick i couldnt eat dinner. (but i did eat it a little later, just got it to-go) I actually went back to the store to return it! only to find out that they only do store credit!!! you would think they might mention that...NOPE. well i mean i left the store that second time feeling mixed emotions. I was pissed i couldnt return it. i felt stupid for not thinking it through before i bought it. but i also thought well this will give me a chance to enjoy the clothes without thinking i could just return them for money. i mean it was kind of like forcing me to sit with the anxiety of having spent the money...not fun... but supposedly a good lesson!
But i think feeling guilty is something that people with eating disorders really feel severely. I think it starts out with feeling guilty for eating or consuming calories or something of the sort...then maybe not having the behaviour they usually have...then for challenging the eating disorder....the list goes on and on but i know throughout my ED i ALWAYS felt guilty for something. maybe it would be guilty that my parents didnt have a healthy daughter, or that i lied to them, or that i crossed my fingers when i swore to God, or when i made my ill mom get out of bed because she caught me exercising...and again the list goes on. But Ana is clever, and just because i may not feel the magnitude of the guilt from my eating disorder, though i think i may always have some guilt for not committing my life to Ana, she is grasping at straws. Making me feel guilty about other things. Spending money. i feel like im letting people down when i spend money. Like im being frivolous and it could be going to a better place and im not worthy of just buying what i want. (eventhough i earned the money) I mean Ana is making me feel guilty in other ways...maybe hoping i will revert back to my eating disorder to cope with that negative emotion. And you know what!????? SHE IS DAMN SMART. I can totally see this happening, but today i dodged her clever trap. I did eat dinner tho i would have loved to have skipped it. I reached out to my friends and family for support instead of dealing with the emotion on my own. So as much as i may feel guilty for a lot and shopping especially....i must be aware that it really is Ana who is making me feel guilty...and she hasn't been honest with me yet..so why now??
but that just sets the stage for how my day was going...just slightly annoyed. ED thoughts werent too bad today, my mom actually told me something that i never thought about my body but always wanted. (i wont say specifics as to trigger anybody) but it made me feel good...idk if it made *me* feel good or *Ana* feel good....cant really separate the two yet. But the moral is that it was stressful but manageable until we went shopping. Now see i LOVE to shop. clothes are my favorite but handbags and accessories and home decorations...pretty much anything i can make fun. Well we went to Forever 21 which is a pretty cheap store and i found a few things...see my grandparents usually pay when i am with them however i figured it was a small price and i would just pay myself. I liked everything a lot, but when i got to the cash register i immediately started second guessing myself. Now this is NOTHING NEW. I do this all the time. As much as i love buying new things, spending money is super hard for me. I always feel so incredibly guilty after...sometimes to the point of being sick or just returning the items. Today i really tried to rationalize with myself...use some *wise mind*...yea it was way beyond skills ha...sadly. i felt so sick i couldnt eat dinner. (but i did eat it a little later, just got it to-go) I actually went back to the store to return it! only to find out that they only do store credit!!! you would think they might mention that...NOPE. well i mean i left the store that second time feeling mixed emotions. I was pissed i couldnt return it. i felt stupid for not thinking it through before i bought it. but i also thought well this will give me a chance to enjoy the clothes without thinking i could just return them for money. i mean it was kind of like forcing me to sit with the anxiety of having spent the money...not fun... but supposedly a good lesson!
But i think feeling guilty is something that people with eating disorders really feel severely. I think it starts out with feeling guilty for eating or consuming calories or something of the sort...then maybe not having the behaviour they usually have...then for challenging the eating disorder....the list goes on and on but i know throughout my ED i ALWAYS felt guilty for something. maybe it would be guilty that my parents didnt have a healthy daughter, or that i lied to them, or that i crossed my fingers when i swore to God, or when i made my ill mom get out of bed because she caught me exercising...and again the list goes on. But Ana is clever, and just because i may not feel the magnitude of the guilt from my eating disorder, though i think i may always have some guilt for not committing my life to Ana, she is grasping at straws. Making me feel guilty about other things. Spending money. i feel like im letting people down when i spend money. Like im being frivolous and it could be going to a better place and im not worthy of just buying what i want. (eventhough i earned the money) I mean Ana is making me feel guilty in other ways...maybe hoping i will revert back to my eating disorder to cope with that negative emotion. And you know what!????? SHE IS DAMN SMART. I can totally see this happening, but today i dodged her clever trap. I did eat dinner tho i would have loved to have skipped it. I reached out to my friends and family for support instead of dealing with the emotion on my own. So as much as i may feel guilty for a lot and shopping especially....i must be aware that it really is Ana who is making me feel guilty...and she hasn't been honest with me yet..so why now??
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Jaded Memories.
So I am actually out of town right now...i'm back in my hometown where my extended family still lives. Its great to see my family because im super close with my grandparents..however these trips are always a little difficult. See my family can be extremely triggering..without knowing it OF COURSE. I mean i know everybody's family is like that but honestly until you have met my grandparents...lets just say you may question if they have EDs. (WHICH THEY DONT but its just difficult...they are stubborn and elder so ya)
Well before we actually met up with the fam we stopped at my grandma's house. I love her house...see shes totally OCD like me and everything in her house is white and spotless and its just so crisp and clean hahaha weird but true. And see not to sound narcissistic but my brother and i are the center of her universe. Soooo naturally her house is filled with pictures from birth to present. Its always fun to go and see baby pictures...but its not so fun when you've had an ED for most of your life and currently look very different than you did for most of your life. So i mean i kind of expected it and my *wise mind* told me not to even look at the pics...see i knew i shouldnt..but there's something so addicting to me about pro-ana. Now please know this is NOT pro-ana but it was the same idea..they were pics of a sick looking person----ME. I looked at a few and i mean one i was clearly sick in but it was the sick i knew i was..like i was aware of when i looked that way...or at least i am now. but then there was this one picture that kind of shocked me. I mean i know they say that you when you are in your ED you cannot correctly perceive your body or weight loss, but the thing is that i was sort of in recovery at the time this picture was taken. and i will not trigger anybody with details so all i will say is that i never realized i was that thin..even when i was sick..let alone in recovery.
And then of course as im marveling at how different i look my mom walked over. see my mom usually gets all of this and is honestly the most important and supportive person to me. I WOULD BE NOWHERE WITHOUT HER. yet, in this moment i said like jokingly.."i look really *triggering word* in this picture and she just kind of laughed and pulled me away, giving me the look of ARE YOU SERIOUSLY STARTING THIS???!!! see i was seriously starting it, i wanted support and something more encouraging than her shrugging it off...however i did not let it ruin my day...i wasn't in the best mood the rest of the evening and until now i didnt know why...but i mean i guess in the whole scheme of things i could have reacted a whole lot worse...so yea
But the whole purpose of this was to point out to you..and myself that Ana or maybe in somebody elses case Mia, only lets us remember the parts of our disease that benefit her. Like I remember that I loved not eating, and that i felt in control, and that i felt the bliss of numbness, but i also remember not being skinny enough..EVER! yet im starting to see that Ana CONVENIENTLY forgot to remind me that i looked sick and had reached a bad point...something i really never accepted. I mean im not saying i totally believe it from one picture or that i am ready to end my friendship with Ana, but im saying that this was definitely a strike against her tonight..and i think every strike counts!
Well before we actually met up with the fam we stopped at my grandma's house. I love her house...see shes totally OCD like me and everything in her house is white and spotless and its just so crisp and clean hahaha weird but true. And see not to sound narcissistic but my brother and i are the center of her universe. Soooo naturally her house is filled with pictures from birth to present. Its always fun to go and see baby pictures...but its not so fun when you've had an ED for most of your life and currently look very different than you did for most of your life. So i mean i kind of expected it and my *wise mind* told me not to even look at the pics...see i knew i shouldnt..but there's something so addicting to me about pro-ana. Now please know this is NOT pro-ana but it was the same idea..they were pics of a sick looking person----ME. I looked at a few and i mean one i was clearly sick in but it was the sick i knew i was..like i was aware of when i looked that way...or at least i am now. but then there was this one picture that kind of shocked me. I mean i know they say that you when you are in your ED you cannot correctly perceive your body or weight loss, but the thing is that i was sort of in recovery at the time this picture was taken. and i will not trigger anybody with details so all i will say is that i never realized i was that thin..even when i was sick..let alone in recovery.
And then of course as im marveling at how different i look my mom walked over. see my mom usually gets all of this and is honestly the most important and supportive person to me. I WOULD BE NOWHERE WITHOUT HER. yet, in this moment i said like jokingly.."i look really *triggering word* in this picture and she just kind of laughed and pulled me away, giving me the look of ARE YOU SERIOUSLY STARTING THIS???!!! see i was seriously starting it, i wanted support and something more encouraging than her shrugging it off...however i did not let it ruin my day...i wasn't in the best mood the rest of the evening and until now i didnt know why...but i mean i guess in the whole scheme of things i could have reacted a whole lot worse...so yea
But the whole purpose of this was to point out to you..and myself that Ana or maybe in somebody elses case Mia, only lets us remember the parts of our disease that benefit her. Like I remember that I loved not eating, and that i felt in control, and that i felt the bliss of numbness, but i also remember not being skinny enough..EVER! yet im starting to see that Ana CONVENIENTLY forgot to remind me that i looked sick and had reached a bad point...something i really never accepted. I mean im not saying i totally believe it from one picture or that i am ready to end my friendship with Ana, but im saying that this was definitely a strike against her tonight..and i think every strike counts!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Late.
So I am kinda having a weird night. This isnt my usual *one subject* post, but more of a vent and so if you are not interested...totally take no offense ;) So i had a good evening, baked cupcakes with my best friend but now i am home and all day my dog has been acting weird...now this may not make much sense to some people but my dog is like my child, i couldnt love him any more if i tried. I miss him when i am sitting next to him. I talk about him constantly. He gets whatever he wants. I cannot get enough of him. But as great as i am saying he is, he does have a grouchy side. So it isnt weird that he is snappy, but what is weird is since this morning his tail has been between his legs and he doesnt really wanna be touched...just lay close to somebody???!!!! This is so not like him. Usually he wants to be scratched all the time and his tail is always wagging!! So i know my mom said we would call the vet in the morning but i am laying here so worried. See-i got my dog, named Ed, as a sort of reward. It was the first time i got out of treatment, hahaha i know should've been the last but what can ya do?? I named him Ed...idk why exactly it just seemed right. I fell in love with him right away, and he is my love. I would take him everywhere with me if i could. I remember the first week we had him he was a really little puppy and i had him in a blanket and i carried him through Target. the lady was like....
"miss, we dont allow dogs, but he's so darn cute, if you keep him quiet i wont tell!!!!!" hahahahahahha
I could just go on and on about him. He is my world, and i just dont even want to think about what i would do if something was wrong or happened to him. He's not so much a motivation....as a reminder of the work i do to fight my eating disorder. Like when i was at Remuda for four months i remember i missed him the most, because you can talk to your family...but not to your puppy!!
And i know i really should just put it out of my mind because we will call the vet tomorrow but my OCD is not letting me. I have tried to be super skillful and read and do my nails and yes i know its 1am but im not sleepy and i just am sitting here FREAKING. I know if my mom was up she would talk sense into me...but i doubt she'd be thrilled if i woke her ha. so im left to stew...and write to you :) And see, the even bigger problem is when i feel out of control...i always resort to my ED. However, since it is not meal time i cannot gain control that way and my other ways of releasing anxiety are not much more "kind" to my body....i mean i totally do not want to go down that path again of behavior substitution and i know when i wake up in the morning (if i ever fall asleep!) im going to think i was crazy for even being tempted, but i am tempted. I havent had these urges in so long and part of me just likes that i have urges, but i know that part isnt me...its Ana. She wants to reel me back in anyway she can, and now that im writing this...i've come to the conclusion....I WILL NOT LET HER USE MY PRECIOUS PUPPY Ed TO PULL ME BACK!!!!! HE CANNOT BE TO BLAME FOR A RELAPSE ...ANYTHING BUT HIM. so i guess that settles what i sat down to write about....i know im worried but Ana is just grasping at straws here and using my puppy's odd and unsettling behaviour to throw me off course. well Ana, for once i figured it out before it was too late.
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| My heart- Ed |
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Win-Win
Things have been going well for me, and i spent the day with a girl i was in treatment with today. Ive known her since the beginning and we talked about a lot and i’ve come to some good conclusions. For those of you not as immersed in the ED world as i am, Maudsley is a form of eating disorder treatment. It is used mostly in treatment of kids or adolescents because total control of weight and food management is given to the parents. I know lots of you reading may be thinking that SUCKS! and at first it totally does. I mean i remember my first day when the food was given to me and i had no choice as to what it was….lets just say not fun. But im not gona really talk about whether Maudsley is good or bad, because for me it was good but not everybody i know has had the same experience. However, I have realized how little responsibility i hold in my recovery....this probably sounds LOADED with issues but it actually is a benefit ;)
See, when you start Maudsley at such a young age, (14) and have no option in food choice or whether or not to eat it, you become accustomed to blaming somebody else, in my case, my parents. Now, please do not misunderstand, i am not saying i have any resentment for my parents...just keep reading and you will understand. See, my eating disorder would be really SUPER mad at me if one day i decided to have a super big brownie ice cream sunday, HOWEVER, if my parents had insisted i had it, it was like my ED wasnt mad at me, he was mad at my parents. This left me to feel less guilty. At least at the end of the day I could say to myself, well, if i had any choice i wouldn't have done it, but it was for them, not for me. NOT MY CHOICE.
And as the years have gone by, though i do not resent my parents in the least, in fact i adore them and am so blessed to have them, i have continued to let them take the blame for me recovering. I keep telling myself the recovery is THEIR choice, not mine. ED then isnt mad at me. Just them. I tell myself i must eat because if not THEY will have me hospitalized and tubed. THEY would make my life a living hell.
Yea Yea i know its a load of bull crap and im just lying to myself, but it has gotten me through a lot. Although therapists may say that i am failing to accept the responsibility of my recovery and health, i just cant do it yet. and believe me, my parents are more than ready for that. so its kind of a win-win situation, they get me in a "healthy" state of mind, and i dont feel QUITE as guilty because, again, its not for me, its for THEM.
See, when you start Maudsley at such a young age, (14) and have no option in food choice or whether or not to eat it, you become accustomed to blaming somebody else, in my case, my parents. Now, please do not misunderstand, i am not saying i have any resentment for my parents...just keep reading and you will understand. See, my eating disorder would be really SUPER mad at me if one day i decided to have a super big brownie ice cream sunday, HOWEVER, if my parents had insisted i had it, it was like my ED wasnt mad at me, he was mad at my parents. This left me to feel less guilty. At least at the end of the day I could say to myself, well, if i had any choice i wouldn't have done it, but it was for them, not for me. NOT MY CHOICE.
And as the years have gone by, though i do not resent my parents in the least, in fact i adore them and am so blessed to have them, i have continued to let them take the blame for me recovering. I keep telling myself the recovery is THEIR choice, not mine. ED then isnt mad at me. Just them. I tell myself i must eat because if not THEY will have me hospitalized and tubed. THEY would make my life a living hell.
Yea Yea i know its a load of bull crap and im just lying to myself, but it has gotten me through a lot. Although therapists may say that i am failing to accept the responsibility of my recovery and health, i just cant do it yet. and believe me, my parents are more than ready for that. so its kind of a win-win situation, they get me in a "healthy" state of mind, and i dont feel QUITE as guilty because, again, its not for me, its for THEM.
Recovery?
n Fighting Anorexia, Recovery Is Elusive
By ABBY ELLIN
Published: April 25, 2011
Dr. Suzanne Dooley-Hash believes that she will never fully recover from the anorexia that has plagued her since she was 15 years old.
Brendan Smialowski for The New York Times
Kathleen MacDonald, a policy assistant at the Eating Disorders Coalition in Washington, had an eating disorder for 16 years, but considers herself fully recovered.
Multimedia
For many years, she did not take laxatives constantly to lose weight, as she did in the mid-1980s, and her health was “relatively O.K.” Thoughts about her weight did not occupy every second of every minute of every day.
But in 2005 she relapsed, losing one-third of her body weight in six months. She took off 19 months from her job as an emergency room physician at the University of Michigan Medical School in Ann Arbor to devote herself to getting her life back in order.
Like many patients with eating disorders, however, she is not sure what recovery means.
“Does it mean ‘functional?’ ” asked Dr. Dooley-Hash, 45. “I’m a physician at a really high-powered institution, and I’ve published in well-respected journals — I’m functional. I don’t think functionality is necessarily a good measure.”
Dr. Dooley-Hash is not alone in her confusion. Most medical experts agree that a third of people with the disorder will remain chronically ill, a third will die of their disorder, and a third will recover — with one significant caveat. There is surprisingly little agreement as to what “recovery” means for people with anorexia.
Indeed, just a handful of studies on long-term recovery rates have been conducted over the last decade or so, and different parameters were used in each one.
“Without consistency, it’s hard to compare across studies,” said Dr. Michael Strober, a professor of eating disorders and psychiatry at the University of California, Los Angeles. “You just have to know how recovery is defined in each study to have a balanced interpretation.”
It is difficult to define recovery from an illness that has both physical and mental dimensions.
If, for example, a patient reaches “normal weight” — which researchers define as either 85 or 95 percent of a person’s ideal weight — and starts menstruating again, she would be considered to have recovered in most studies.
But what if she still weighs herself daily, monitors her calories with a vengeance and obsesses about food and the size of her ankles? Or, as is often the case, moves from anorexia to bulimia or binge-eating disorder?
“About 50 percent of people with anorexia will be able to reach and maintain a normal weight, but most of them are very preoccupied with the calorie content of food,” said Dr. Katharine Halmi, professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College in New York City.
Still, she added: “Many people who’ve never had anorexia watch their diet carefully. So the big issue is, how do you define recovery? Maintaining a normal weight, recurrence of menstruation is easy to document. Mental status is a different problem.”
With that in mind, many with anorexia prefer to view recovery as many alcoholics do — the disease may be in remission, but the potential for relapse always lurks in the background.
“Some people find comfort in saying ‘recovering’ so they don’t have to be responsible for being recovered, which means ‘I will never relapse,’ ” said Aimee Liu, 57, author of “Restoring Our Bodies, Reclaiming Our Lives.” Others, she said, liken their eating disorder to managing a chronic illness like diabetes, requiring constant vigilance.
“I say to patients, ‘This is your Achilles’ heel,’ ” said Dr. Daniel Le Grange, an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Chicago and director of the eating disorders program at the University of Chicago Medical Center. “If you have another crisis, you’re predisposed to resorting to starvation as your way of managing that issue. It would be foolish of us as clinicians not to prepare our patients that they should be on the lookout for a recurrence.”
Most doctors believe recovery from anorexia is rarely absolute and more often occurs by degrees. While patients may get better, aspects of their disease will continue to nag at them.
“The literature suggests you can have physical recovery from the weight loss, but the cognitive symptoms might not continue to get better,” said Dr. Kamryn T. Eddy, a psychologist at Massachusetts General Hospital. “They definitely do improve, but one of the things we wonder is, how well does one have to be to be ‘recovered’? And how well does one actually get?”
In the absence of expert consensus, patients and caregivers have come up with their own definitions of recovery.
Harriet Brown, author of the recently released “Brave Girl Eating,” a memoir of her 14-year-old daughter’s bout with anorexia, defines it as “absolutely ordinary relations with food.”
And what exactly is ordinary? “That thinking about food does not consume large quantities of your time and energy,” she said in an interview. “You enjoy food, you don’t undereat or overeat often, you don’t meet any of the diagnostic criteria for anorexia. Your weight is in a healthy range for you. And most of all, you’re able to live life in a way that’s not completely organized around food and eating.”
For Ms. Liu, recovery is a “full restoration of nutritional, physical, emotional and psychological health.” But in a telephone conversation, Ms. Liu, who was actively anorexic from age 13 to 20, acknowledged that without good treatment many people spend years in what she called the “half life” of anorexia.
“They recover nutritionally and suspend the behaviors of starving, bingeing and purging,” said Ms. Liu, who suffered a relapse 11 years ago. “But the self-criticism, self-abuse, perfectionism, judgmentalism and restrictive mind-set persist.”
Still, both doctors and patients emphasize the importance of believing that full recovery is an option.
Kathleen MacDonald, a policy assistant at the Eating Disorders Coalition in Washington, was anorexic and then bulimic for 16 years, but considers herself fully recovered since 2004.
“People always said once you have an eating disorder, you’re always going to have an eating disorder,” she said. “I tell people, ‘There was a time in your life when you didn’t have an eating disorder, and if that’s possible, anything is.’ ”
For Dr. Dooley-Hash, the future feels a little murkier.
“I feel like I can’t ever be off guard,” she said. “The next time I’m overwhelmed and stressed, my first instinct is going to go back to restricting. I think I would be naïve to think it would ever not be a part of my life.”
Are Celebs making EDs ok???
Experts: Dramatic Celebrity Weight Loss for Film Roles Can Trigger Eating Disorders, Body Issues
Published February 23, 2011
| FoxNews.com
AP/Paramount
Natalie Portman and Christian Bale both lost significant amounts of weight in roles that have already won them Golden Globe Awards.
Natalie Portman delivered a highly-acclaimed performance as a professional ballerina crumbling under pressure in Darren Aronofsky’s psychological thriller “Black Swan.” But while her performance has made her an Oscar frontrunner, the discussion of her grueling diet and dramatic weight loss has become an even bigger topic of scrutiny.
After losing 20 pounds from her already thin frame, the 29-year-old’s on-set picture has been posted in numerous “thinspiration” sites – but she isn’t the first, and nor will she be the last to undergo drastic weight loss for a role.
Beyonce famously shed 20 pounds by drinking nothing but maple syrup and lemon juice for weeks for her part in “Dream Girls,” Megan Fox “stopped eating” to lose ten pounds for “Jennifer’s Body,” and Jennifer Hudson has managed to drop 56 pounds to play Winnie Mandela, before going on to lose a total of 80 pounds from her frame.
The focus on celebrities losing weight for the sake of their craft begs the question: Will their thin frames serve as a catalyst for eating disorders and a distorted perception of healthy body image to those watching in the outside world?
“Movie roles can indeed induce eating disorders. Actors, understandably, must morph for certain demands of the role,” Los Angeles-based psychologist, Dr. Nancy B. Irwin told FOX411’s Pop Tarts. “It can be done with extreme diligence and care of the body, but a proper mindset, medical doctor, nutritionist and psychologist or psychiatrist’s guidance is often needed.”
Portman has said that she condensed her portion sizes in addition to a daily exercise regimen of 5-8 hours of ballet training, cross-training, toning and swimming. So dramatic was her weight loss that, at one point, Aronofsky ordered that her trailer be filled with food to ensure she was eating.
Furthermore, entertainment reporter and media expert Lanae Brody also believes that movie roles such as Portman’s can often lead female viewers into developing a dangerous fascination with extreme weight loss.
“Women are fascinated by Hollywood now more so than ever. Young girls admire these women and aspire to be like them and celebrities tend to forget who their audience is and how much they actually are being looked up to by these young women,” Brody explained. “
“I think there is more behind an eating disorder than what Natalie Portman or Mila Kunis do to lose 20 lbs. for a movie role, but, when it's talked about over and over again in the media, young girls do listen and start to think ‘Hmm, can I do that? I would look so great if I was 20 lbs. thinner.’ People need to remember that this is their job and they're being paid to look a certain way, healthy or not.”
But it is hardly just women who suffer from the issue and many of today's biggest male stars have shed weight for a role. Christian Bale, also considered the likely Oscar contender for Best Supporting Actor, dropped significant weight to play crack-addict Dicky Eklund. Robert DeNiro, 50 Cent and Matt Damon have also undergone dramatic weight loss for roles.
According to the National Association of Anorexia and Associated Disorders, while seven to ten million women suffer from eating disorders, nearly one million men suffer from eating disorders in the United States as well. And although no direct studies have been conducted on movies themselves, “media” as a whole is believed to be a prominent cause.
“Celebrities are selected from a crop of impossibly thin people to begin with and then they are sometimes encouraged to lose even more weight. Meanwhile, the young girl consumes media featuring these impossibly thin actresses which is interrupted with commercials featuring slow motion pictures of junk food consumption. I feel sorry for young girls in this mixed up culture,” said Pop Culture commentator, Mark Joseph. “Ironically the more weight we collectively gain in our culture the more we seem to see actresses who are impossibly thin. As a culture we want to see our stars attain what we are unable to and that makes the incredibly skinny actress increasingly cool, some might even say a trend-setter.”
Nonetheless, he doesn’t believe that Hollywood actresses themselves should be held responsible for potentially igniting eating issues among impressionable audiences, and said when in doubt “blame the producers and the consumers of media who demand it.”
Deidre Behar contributed to this report.
Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2011/02/23/experts-dramatic-celebrity-weight-loss-film-roles-trigger-eating-disorders-body/#ixzz1So8hCUU3
